It's Christmas eve for nerds

Oh, all the inside the Queensway insiders are so excited! It's like wonk Christmas eve!!!

So uh, do you think the PM's advisors are being required to work a little overtime tonight?

"Look boss, it's 4 AM and we still haven't got past the table of contents yet, so uh, we better move along here if we wanna have a response-type thing ready for those opposition guys this morning."

What?

Listen to what this freedom-hating, America-hating subversive pinko has to say. Appalling. Simply appalling. How dare he.

I mean, doesn't he watch the news? America is safer because freedom is on the march in Iraq. If we keep saying it it's true. And we've always been at war with Eurasia.

It's Gomery Eve! Get your Stephen Harper Fridge Magnets!

I have amazing powers to see into the future. I know it has yet to be officially released, but it matters not-I can foretell how the Conservative party, and, more specifically, Stephen Harper will respond to Gomery, Part One:

The following words will be used interchangably by Mr. Harper in the foyer of the House of Commons tomorrow:
Liberal
corruption
end
systemic
abuse
angry
dump
Canadians
election
need
constipated
deserve
better
really
no, really

An enterprising individual could make a fortune were he or she to develop some Stephen Harper fridge magnets.

Call me a cynic, but...

...how much you wanna bet the terror alert level is gonna be raised sometime in the next 48 hours in the US?

If you haven't heard it already, you have to listen to the comedy album "It's Not Funny" by David Cross, (the funniest man in the world in my opinion) for further insight on the above speculation.

Damn lottery...I choked again!!!

I can't believe I didn't win the lottery! Fuck! After all the preparation, all the studying, the four-year degree program at Carleton...and nada. Shut out! I was so sure that this was the time! I could feel it! I just can't deliver in the clutch!

Oh wait, I forgot to buy a ticket. Oh well, does it really matter? I prefer to just stand on my front step and toss 20 dollar bills into the wind to playing the lottery. Saves me the trip to the store...

Habitant Pea Soup-the official pea soup of the Rolling Stones

Is there any product or multinational that these tired old hacks won't shill for or 'partner' with? Really, guys-how many pounds are enough?

In the words of the late, great Bill Hicks:
"You do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll-call."

So do you think HMV will remove all of the Stones' catalogue from their stores, like they did with Alanis?

Save us Lord, from gay marriage!

The state of Texas, that bastion of tolerance, is holding a vote on eight different constitutional amendments on November 8. One of these is Proposition 2, which would enshrine the state's 'Defence of Marriage' Act, outlawing gay marriage, as a constitutional amendment. So, those upstanding Christian soldiers from the KKK have decided to hold a rally in the state capital to support Propisition 2 right before voting day.

Listening to this 'man-of-god' determined to keep them uppity gays in their place squirm about his new brothers-in-arms is real funny:

"(Baptist Pastor Ryan) Rush said that a group that would come in that is characterized as hateful and bigoted is not welcome in this city. He said he doesn't want the Klan as a partner on any cause."

Uh, uh...hoo boy...hmmena hemmena hemmena...

The irony of this man's stance, what with his unlimited tolerance and acceptance for gay people, is completely lost on him, I guess.

I can't help but feel some...

Schadenfreude.

White Russians rule!!!

Sometime in my life, I gotta go to one of these.

Greatest. Movie. Ever.

Oh yeah, and shut the fuck up, Donnie.

Those uppity gays are at it again, this time in Kansas

I don't even know why I'm surprised when I read stuff like this anymore. Kansas-the state responsible for the modern re-enactment of the Scopes Monkey Trial you're witnessing today in America, has stricken down a law that has seen the punishment of illicit gay sex 15 times more severely than illicit straight sex.

This line is priceless:

"Mathew Staver, attorney for the conservative Orlando, Fla.-based Liberty Counsel, said the different treatment was justified by the state's interest in protecting children and families. He also said the court does not have the right to rewrite the statute.

"That's a legislative function," he said. "This is clearly a sign of an activist court system.""

Damn bleeding-heart pinko activist court system...what with their interpreting laws...sticking their nose in to prevent cruel and unusual punishment for those hedonistic gays. When will they learn? When will these people just convert and become fruitful, Christian breeders?

Now, I'm just some dumb Canadian with a drinking problem, so maybe I don't get it, but could Mr. Staver explain to us how singling out illegal gay sex for far more severe punishment than illegal straight sex is in anyway "protecting children and families?"

Svend's coming back

OK Svend, if you can't beat Hedy "crosses burning are burning on our lawns as we speak" Fry, you know there's still baggage left over from that little...incident of yours from a while back.

"More foie gras, Mr. Brown?"

Once again, it bears repeating:

"You're doin' a heck of a job, Brownie!"

Dingwall before some...committee or something

ROWRRR.....snippy exchanges today before the Commons gum and chip accounts committee today!

David Dingwall is certainly a true Chretienite. Defiant to the very end.

I wonder how long Brian Palliser spent thinking up "you're not gonna Wrigley your way out of this one." HA HA, get it? Wrigley? Why isn't this guy on Jon Stewart's staff?

And this gem from Mr. Palliser, after Mr. Dingwall accused him of excessive partisanship: "If you were in my party, I'd despise you as well." Despise? What is this, professional wrestling? talk radio? Can ya dial it down a notch, guys? Oh well, so much for a new era of civility on the hill...

Good clean family fun

Not that anyone cares, but the Parents Television Council, led by neo con moralist-at-large L. Brent Bozell III, (if there's a more easily lampoonable name out there, I haven't heard it) has released their annual list of God-approved programing on US network TV, and Dancing with the Stars was one of the only nine shows that they deemed to be zealot-approved. I tell you, they're lowering their standards - I'm pretty sure some of the female participants on that show have wantonly exposed shoulders and even, gasp, ankles!!!! I ask you, is this what we want our children to see? And I'm sure Chris Rock is just thrilled to have his new show included in the PTC's list of family friendly viewing...

Every Canadian-born hockey player on Olympic 'LONG' list

81 players on Hockey Canada's Olympic 'long' list? Christ, who isn't included here? I know it's an article of faith among our jock-sniffing press that our hockey-mad country could send three teams to the Olympics and finish one-two-three, but this seems like a transparent attempt to placate a lot of guys who don't have a hope in hell of making the team. I mean, how else can you explain the inclusion of Canucks' sieve Dan freakin' Cloutier? Not to mention Steve Staios...Steve Staios? Wes Walz? Who is he again? Old man Joe Nieuwendyk? Where's George Armstrong? And how about Syl Apps? Oh...he's dead apparently.

And how could they omit Gord, from my Tuesday night beer league from their list? Sure he's about 40 pounds overweight right now, but you should see his hands in front of the net. You just can't teach a touch like his! And when he's sober, he's even better.

Canada Stinking Cesspool: Report

Read this article from the Ottawa Sun, that bastion of fair and balanced reporting and top-notch T and A, and tell me if its title ("Canada Unhealthy, Violent: Report") is oh, just a tad misleading. Of course, the front-page cover story on the front of today's Sun, written in its typical, 72-point, war-has-just-been-declared-sized font, is that Ottawa Senator right-winger (probably why the Sun likes him so much) and Rockette reject Martina Havlat has been suspended for gasp, five games, for placing his skate-clad foot into the nether regions of Boston behemoth Hal Gill at the Core-hell Centre last Saturday night. Bah, forget Maher Arar, this is a bona fide injustice!

And what a great eight weeks it was

Robert Rabinovitch, architecht of that wildly successful CBC lockout you might have heard something about, was on the Current this morning with Anna-Maria Tremonti, in a vain effort to polish his image, I guess. He spent a great deal of the interview stressing how hopelessly unavoidable the whole lockout was, we need to rebuild trust with Canadians, we must find the right kind of audience, it's the quality, not the quantity, yadda yadda yadda...

Anyhoo, Anna-Maria finally gets around to asking her boss about all of the criticism he has faced lo these past couple of months, including repeated calls for his resignation from various MP's, CBC staffers, ordinary listeners, house plants, etc...

What's his response?

"Well, you should see the letters of support I got."

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! And then, the little chunks of chewed-up raisin bran go flying across the breakfast table.

"Erm...yes. Yes indeed. I have the two of them right here."

OK, I made up that last line, but really-who is Mr. Rabinovitch kidding? This guy has been getting it from every side, even those noted fans of public broadcasting at the National Whipping Post.

And now, back to more of Just for Laughs Gags...

Tonight's sign of the apocalypse

Not only is it number one in our country, The new album by Nickelback, easily the worst band in the history of humanity, has debuted at number one in the United States. Last week alone, 325,000 Americans bought a copy of...whatever their shitty new CD is called.

May God have mercy on us all.

That said, how much you wanna bet they win 27 Junos next spring for their new derivative crap?

Carolyn Parrish won't run again...

I guess Steve Mahoney is happy.

Think there's a Senate appointment in store for Carolyn?

A runaway freight train, alright

Remember the classic Simpsons episode (back in the good old days, when the show was still...funny), when Mr. Burns is running for Governor and, while dining with the Simpson family during a photo-op campaign dinner, Homer and Lisa are both forced by his campaign team to ask him stungingly planted questions? Lisa asks future-governor Burns, with all the enthusiasm of a robot in need of a recharge:

"Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway frieght train. Why are you so popular?"

I'm reminded of this episode after reading this gem on MSNBC.com:

If you scroll down to the sub-heading that reads "Carefully choreographed," you'll see to what I'm referring:


"Before it began, a Pentagon official coached the troops, telling them the president planned to ask questions on three topics: The overall security in Iraq, how they were preparing for the vote on Saturday and how much progress had been made in the training of Iraqi troops.

Allison Barber, a Pentagon official, said Bush would ask them specifically, “In the last 10 months, what kind of progress have we seen?”

She asked who was prepared to answer the question. “Master Sgt. Lombardo,” one said. "


Christ, does this guy ever subject himself to an unstaged, unscripted, unsycophantic question? Could you imagine if he had to go through the rigours of Question Period every day?

"Uh, Mr. Speaker, uh...it's, it's....hard work! It's hard work! I, I...think about Iraq every day, Mr. Speaker!"

How dare you be...lawyerin' like that

Earlier today, I'm perusing the Washington Post, because, as a charter member of the liberal media elite, it's part of the rules of admission, and I come across this dity in an inside-the- beltway blog known as 'The Fix' about the acrimonious Governor's race in Virginia between Repugnican Jerry Kilgore and Demmycrat Tim Kaine, two people you've never heard of. Unless, of course, you live in Virgina, but what are the chances of that?

Anyway, the gist of this new spat between the two candidates is that apparently, it is now indefensible in the state of Virginia to defend an accused murderer. Yes, this guy was convicted (and subsequently executed), but you, Virginia resident, shouldn't vote for Mr. Kaine, because he had the temerity to represent an accused criminal. How dare he...

CBC Radio's back in full force,

and Shelagh Rogers is already on vacation?

I read yesterday that all regular programming on Radio One is supposed to be back as of today-
lo these past two months, I really did miss CBC radio, especially the local shows, (although some programs, such as Smells Like Canada, not so much-a little too folksy for my liking) , so I'm tuning in today, and at 10 bells, I hear guest host whatzername, introducing 'the best' of Shelagh's old interviews. The first day back after eight weeks, and they're airing reruns. After eight weeks, you'd think she'd want to...uh, get back to work? It's not summer any more, Shelagh.

I ask you: is there anybody in the western world who gets more time off than this woman? Man, I want her agent.

No, shut up, YOU'RE wrong!!!

I'm reading this story (registration required) in today's New York Times about the forthcoming debut of the Colbert Report, which, if it's even 50 per cent as good as the Daily Show, would still make it the second best show on television, and I notice this interesting quote at article's end from US cable news screaming monkey Joe Scarborough:


Asked if he had any advice for Mr. Colbert, who will also interview one guest each night, Mr. Scarborough passed on a nugget that he said had been given to him by an MSNBC executive.

"If you let someone talk for more than seven seconds on your show without interruption," he said, "then you are a failure."


That pretty much summarizes the state of public discourse today, in one tidy little soundbite.

Speaking of Stephen Colbert's new show, which is scheduled to premier next week, it doesn't appear as though our Comedy Network, with all of its excellence in programming, is going to be carrying it. At least not as of yet, as there's nothing about it on their website.

Now I know that they already have a pretty packed schedule, what with such top-notch shows such as Bacterialcultured with Elvira 'the Grimace' Kurt, syndicated Everybody Loves Raymond episodes, and that ridiculously sophmoric college show involving Motley Crue's monosyllabic drummer, you know...what's his name...but you'd think they could maybe air...I don't know, one less re-run of Comedy at Club 54 a day to make room for Colbert?

Please?

Why didn't I know about...

this?

"Uh pastor, can we watch that last scene from 'Operation Anal Storm' again one more time, just to bear witness as to how truly demeaning it...is? Wait, wait, just rewind...that...last bit...oh yes, Praise the Lord!!!!"

"Quite frankly it's talked about everywhere but church often," said church goer Katie Fisher. She joined thousands of Christians in our (Toledo, Ohio...a veritable 'pornotopia' if I've ever heard of one) area and millions (emphasis mine) nationwide in National Porn Sunday.

Yeah, go figure. Porn isn't discussed very often in church. That's why I stopped going.

You know, I often hear my church-going aunts and uncles lamenting this fact every time we get together during the holidays.

Fuck, what happened to that whole looking after the less fortunate thing? Wasn't that a hell of a lot more important priority for Jesus than all of this moral majority bullshit?

It cost me, like, 200 bucks to fill up my humvee! Normally, it's only 140!

Here's the thing: if you drive a SUV, you are not allowed to complain about the price of gas. I don't care if it goes up to 8 dollars a litre. I don't care if we're getting hosed by the oil companies. You're just not allowed.

I'm watching the local news on one of the Detroit network affiliates for my daily dose of life in the Wild West, and this piece comes on about gas prices. There's a headshot of this 'gas-consumer-on-the- street,' complaining about the hit to his pocket book he's taking since gas prices went all haywire lo these past five weeks, when the shot then pans out: it turns out that buddy is filling up one of those Expeditionavigatorexplorer behemoths that take up three lanes of traffic on a four-lane highway.

You know, maybe if you didn't drive, I don't know, an aircraft carrier with wheels, the cost of filling up wouldn't be so...exorbitant?

Poor Todd might get booed tonight in Edmonton. Poor guy.

OK, if I see one more monosyllabic "good Canadian boy" hockey player say Todd Bertuzzi "has paid his punishment and it's time to move on" or something like-minded (like I saw Edmonton's Ryan 'the mullet' Smyth say in a soundbite this morning), the 13 inch black and white Electrohome TV here at the hammer compound is going to have a remote heading in its direction.

I know everybody, especially in Vancouver, wants this all to be swept under the carpet, but Bertuzzi did not pay an adequate punishment. He did not serve a 17-month suspension, he served what amounts to 20 games. Imagine if the NHL were to suspend a player in June and reinstating him in October, and saying he served a four-month suspension. I guess every guy on every team who misses the playoffs serves a six-month "suspension" each season.

This appears to be the NHL's suspension guidelines: You leave the bench to take part in a fight, you get 10 games. You nearly cripple a man and break his neck after attacking him from behind and giving him a forearm shiver to the back of his neck, you get...20 games. That's justice.

And for everybody who's said that his teammates and fellow NHL brethren (even members of the Avalanche) have all stuck up for Todd-answer me this: would you say anything negative about Todd if he was your teammate or you had to play against him eight times a year?

"So what do you think about Todd's return to the team, Henrik Sedin Are you glad to have him back?"

"Oh, yes...Todd is a great guy...great teammate...anything else you want me to say, Mr. Bertuzzi sir?"

"Tell them I'm a good family man."

"He's a good family man...gulp..."

Yeah, yeah, I know. I need to let it go, new era, hockey's a man's game, the code, and all the usual macho Don Cherry bullshit. Whatever.

Jesus told me to attack Iraq...he also told me to clear more brush

I don't know why everybody is so surprised with the whole President Bush "God told me to bomb the hell out of Iraq" brouhaha. Whether he really said what he said to the Palestinian negotiator that has caused this latest uproar, and whether or not this was to be taken literally, let's look at other recent comments from the Connecticut-Texan. The Independent's Washington correspondent, Rupert Cornwell, points out what Bush told journalist Bob Woodward in the oval office for last year's Plan of Attack, (which, you know, I haven't actually read myself, cause there's like, 467 pages according to Amazon-but once the Reader's Digest condensed version comes out, I am all over that. Please...I am a working fake journalist-I'm too busy investigating how much Joe Volpe spends on pizza to be spending any time reading books.)

But, I digress:

Cornwell writes:
"He told Bob Woodward - whose 2004 book, Plan of Attack, is the definitive account of the administration's road to war in Iraq - that after giving the order to invade in March 2003, he walked in the White House garden, praying "that our troops be safe, be protected by the Almighty". As he went into this critical period, he told Mr Woodward, "I was praying for strength to do the Lord's will.

"I'm surely not going to justify war based upon God. Understand that. Nevertheless, in my case, I pray that I will be as good a messenger of His will as possible. And then of course, I pray for forgiveness."

Another telling sign of Mr Bush's religion was his answer to Mr Woodward's question on whether he had asked his father - the former president who refused to launch a full-scale invasion of Iraq after driving Saddam Hussein from Kuwait in 1991 - for advice on what to do.

The current President replied that his earthly father was "the wrong father to appeal to for advice ... there is a higher father that I appeal to"".

Woodward's book was released in April of last year. I'd be fascinated to hear God's take in all of this. A rebuttal should be forthcoming from the heavenly press office shortly.

Worst program...ever

Boy, I can hardly wait for PopCultured with Elvira Kurt's cutting, no-holds-barred take on Tom Cruise and Katie whatsherface's pregnancy!

Oh wait, yes I can.

I can see the cuecard now-
"Tom Cruise (grimace) he...got Katie Holmes...pregnant! (grimace) (futile pause for laughter (known in the Canadian television industry as a 'FPL')) He put his penis (grimace) in her vagina! (grimace) Oprah! Oprah! (FPL) Come on, people! (insert canned laughter) How much harder do you want me to grimace?..."

I wonder when I'll get my letter in the mail from the CRTC telling me it's my turn to host my own television program. I mean, that's how it works, right? Like jury duty?

A message from Rabinovitch

A Message to Canadians from Robert Rabinovitch, President, CEO and Acting Chair,Board of Directors-Canadian Broadcasting Corporation/Radio-Canada

Cherished Canadian Viewers/Listeners/Shareholders/Stakeholders,

After nearly two months, I would now like to summarize what this lockout, erm, I mean, labour disruption has accomplished:

















Uh, well, the workers have become even more united in their hatred of me.

That's pretty much it.

And now, back to ruining public broadcasting inCanada.

Thank you.

Robert Rabinovitch

Irony, thy name is Dubya

So, I'm walkin' down the street this morning, and I can't help but notice the big ole jumbo-font, above-the-fold headline in Friday's Ottawa Shitizen, which reads: "Terrorists seek vast empire, Bush says"

In the accompanying article about Bush's speech yesterday (Thursday) in front of his usual audience of toadying sycophants, Mr. President said the following of amateur stand-up comedian/global terrorist Sammy Bin Laden and Iraqi insurgent leader al-Zurqawi yesterday:

"They have endless ambitions of imperial domination."

Does anybody else see the irony in those statements? Or should I say, does everybody see the irony in those statements?