"This just in: We are doing a great job! Heck of a job, even!"

Well, it's about 24 hours into the campaign and I'm already electioned out. For a change of pace, let's turn to Bush administration skulduggery, since it's been a while since I've typed anything about that, and god knows there's plenty of it to choose from.

In case Bill O'Reilly doesn't talk about this on his show tonight and you don't hear about this story otherwise, I thought I'd share this with you: According to this article in today's LA Times by Mark Mazzetti and part-time CBC freelancer Borzou Daragahi (I think he's still doing work for the corp), the US government is paying newspapers in Iraq to run positive news stories written by troops. Of course, many if not most of the articles are claiming to be written by independent, objective journalists:

"The articles, written by U.S. military "information operations" troops, are translated into Arabic and placed in Baghdad newspapers with the help of a defense contractor, according to U.S. military officials and documents obtained by the Los Angeles Times.

Many of the articles are presented in the Iraqi press as unbiased news accounts written and reported by independent journalists. The stories trumpet the work of U.S. and Iraqi troops, denounce insurgents and tout U.S.-led efforts to rebuild the country."

Freedom is on the march, indeed.

Newsworld catfight this morning

Whew...did anybody else see the screaming monkeys on Newman's show this morning? In particular, the 'I-can-shout-louder-than-you' contest between Liberal hack (former CBC journo Susan Murray) and Conservative hack du jour? (whose name eludes me) Man, it was like I had tuned in to Fox News or something...

So uh, d'ya think this is gonna be a nasty campaign?

Oh and uh, this whole 'I love Canada more than you do' thing is really tiresome and lame.

Wow, that didn't take long

OK, so let's pretend you're Stephen Harper, just for a minute. If you want to, you can even comb your hair like he does, just to get into character, but I wouldn't recommend it. You might inujure yourself. Now, everybody agrees that your biggest challenge the next eight weeks is appealing to 'Central Canada' and making inroads in the 416 area code, the 613 area code, maybe even the 514 area code - you want to connect with the "moderate" voter, with the person who might still be a little put off by your alleged 'hidden agenda'. You want to say to these people, "look, I'm not scary. I'm not some doctrinaire social conservative. I won't turn the country into one giant Leave it to Beaver rerun."

So...an HOUR into the election campaign yesterday morning, you decide to broach the subject of holding a free vote on same-sex marriage, unprompted, without even being asked about it by a scribe. Aside from hardcore religious fundies, nobody, even people who were opposed to same-sex marriage when it was an issue, cares (look at page nine) about this anymore. It's time to move on. You lost. Scoreboard. I don't understand why he's playing to his base, instead of to the people whose support he needs to solicit if he wants, to, you know, win, which I thought was the objective here. Why is he dredging up this issue again?

"Hey, while we're at it, I don't think women should be able to vote. I don't think the issue of women's suffrage was ever truly debated by Parliament, and I think it should be subjected to a free, non-whipped vote in the House."

Sometimes, I really do think this guy is a Liberal plant.

But seriously, folks...

Wow, the zingers are flying already:

"We plan to win seats in Quebec."
-S. Harper, Parliament Hill, 2005/11/29

Ha!!! This guy should really try an open mike night sometime...

Here it is, the 2006 Federal Election Schedule

2006 Federal Election Schedule:
January 23
March 13
May 30
July 3
July 7 (do-over)
August 21
October 16
November 4 (Saturday special)
December 25

Apparently , the GG made the announcement for the upcoming year so that Paul won't have to make all those trips back and forth from 24 Sussex to Rideau Hall...


I would like to point out that I wanted to put this bit up on the site's main page as a real story, and not on my stupid blog that nobody in the effing country reads, but my idiot brother Dave wouldn't do it.

Screw you, Dave.

At Issue panelist for hire

So here we are, an hour and change into the official election campaign, and I still haven't been contacted by any media outlets for my chance to regurgitate stunningly obvious platitudes about the campaign and the election itself. I'm staring at that phone, longingly...

Come on, producers! I'm just itching to provide quotes here!

Here's just a sampling of some of the insightful, penetrating musings I can bring to your 'talking heads' panel:

"Whoever does best in Ontario will win the election."

"Stephen Harper has a lot to prove this campaign."

"This will be a nasty election."

"It's cold in winter."

"Did I mention that this election will be nasty?"

"The Bloc Québécois will do very well, especially in Quebec...less so in Nova Scotia."

"New Brunswick is a hellhole."

Drop me a line, media bookers...competitive rates.

A winter election? OH NO!!!

An hour 13 minutes into the campaign, and this early nomination for the weirdest question from a media talking head: George Strombalopopopoloopolopoplous (sic, possibly) on Newsworld is talking to Paul Wells from Macleans, and he asks him (I'm paraphrasing slightly) "So, how do you think the snow on the ground will affect this election?"

OK, could we please stop with the whining about a "winter election?" Here's the thing: We LIVE IN CANADA! IT'S COLD HERE!

"Oh, what if there's snow on the ground on voting day? How will I get about? What if I encounter a polar bear on my way to to the polls?"

This is a truly historic post

I've already heard this referred to as a "historic" winter election several times. Why, exactly? What's so historic about it? It's an election, yes. The government fell in a non-confidence vote, hmm...yeah, and...

Voter turnout will most likely be historically low, I'll say that much...

Pass the cheese dip, asshole

So uh, if Milliken's little joke was true, and there will actually be a Christmas Party tonight on the Hill, how awkward d'ya think that's gonna be?

I sure hope D'Arcy McGee's has taken on extra staff for tonight.

(For those of you outside of the Queensway-Parliament Hill corridor, D'Arcy McGee's is the unofficial watering hole for our nation's MPs and wonking classes...)

Oh no!!!

Ah Christ, and just after I had finished memorizing all 304 MPs by heart, they go and do this. Fuck.

And now we're gonna be subjected to Rex Murphy on Newsworld? Thank you very much, Mr. Harper...

Only 4 hours, 13 minutes, three seconds!!!

I know that CTV Newsnet is still all giddy that they don't have to broadcast on 15-minute loops anymore, so now they can show 'real' news broadcasting, that said, on Newsnet right now, Mike Duffy is hosting a 'gummint's gonna fall' six-hour countdown show, complete with running clock at the bottom of the screen.

Right now, as I type this, did you know that it's a mere 4 hours, 13 minutes, 37 seconds left in the "non-confidence countdown?"

"Coming up next, folks, the Black-Eyed Peas will be here to perform a medley, as we're countin' down to no-confidence, here on Newsnet."

It's almost door slamming in the candidates' face time

I have been very remiss in my blogging duties, as I've been swamped with a million different things going on the last couple of weeks, but you really don't care about that. I fell compelled to put something up today, or the entire blogosphere as we know it will come tumbling down.

And now, for some astute political analysis:

Election comin' up, looks like? Eh? Hope I can make it to the polls without gettin' mobbed by a polar bear. Eh?

Jon Stewart: an American Hero

Kudos to...whoever it is that hands out this award. Jon Stewart's absolutely effing hillarious America: the Book has been awarded the Thurber Prize for American humour - kind of the American equivalent of the Leacock Medal, I guess.

Now, I'm not gay or anything, but I want to marry Jon Stewart. I love him.

Haven't heard anything about it yet, but I'm sure Randy Jack Layton is just thrilled that Ralph Goodale has re-instated the corporate tax cuts that were uhm, put on the shelf by the Libs as a condition for the NDP's support a whopping six months ago.

If there wasn't ample fodder for a Dipper no-confidence motion before, there sure is now.

What's goin' on, man?

It's been a while since I blogged. Heh. Mea culpa. Dave assures me that nobody has noticed.

Truth is, I was trapped in a cave in northern Quebec the last 10 days (long, complicated story, involving a long-standing bet with Rex Murphy that I lost) so uh, anything happened on the hill since then? Have I missed much?

When McGraw speaks, people listen

...then they usually tell me to shut up and go away, but this time, this one time in my life, I have actually got what I wanted, no, what I have demanded.

A couple of weeks ago, I was whining about the Comedy Network's refusal/inability to air the great Stephen Colbert's new vehicle, the Colbert Report, which is airing on Comedy Central in the US. And whaddya know - it might be three weeks late, but starting on Monday night, they'll be broadcasting it on the Comedy Network.

I am taking full credit for this one. I didn't realize it would be so easy. Just one blog posting, and my request has been fulfilled. Buford McGraw, 'a man who gets results.' Maybe I should run for office.

Now, if only they'd cancel Popcultured...

Oh, the inanity!

For the three of you who actually read this self-indulgent wankfest, err...'blog,' you may have noticed I like to discuss CBC Radio, because being a long-time listener, first-time blogger, I do care so much about what I hear on the corp.

That said, here is a link to an article I noticed a couple days ago in the Hopeless Flail, but it slipped my mind temporarily, what with the outbreak of World War Three, I mean, the release of Gomery Part One, which has received media coverage equal to I don't know, armageddon, I guess?

Now, I've never been a huge fan of Radio One's Roundup, even back in the Bill Richardson era, as I've always found it to be a little too quaint. A little too 'fluffy' for me, a grizzled, quart-quaffing, sweat stained-armpit hard news man. Not really my cup of tea. Well, it turns out the CBC's afternoon programming can get worse, apparently. You think we were fluffy before? You want inanity? Oh we'll give you inanity!

Alas, the Roundup is being replaced with Freestyle, (how hip is that name, eh kids?) which, will make the Roundup look like This Hour has Seven Days, from the sounds of the Globe article.

First, this from co-host Kelly Ryan, sounding like a very enthusiastic soccer mom:

"What we found is that people . . . need a recess from all that information that CBC Radio gives them in the morning and on their local noon shows."

Oh yes, all that 'information' gives me tired brain! Soothe me, Christina Aguilera! Mellow me, Nickelback! I need relief! Hey, maybe we can get Luba Goy from the Air Farce on to share her marvellous new recipe for blueberry muffins!

And then, this from Ms. Ryan, former CBC news reporter previously known for covering 'hard' news:

"we're playing lots of music. Music that doesn't normally make it on the CBC," such as Madonna, Elton John and Top 40, Ryan added. "This is the kind of show you can have on in the background at work, in the dentist office, moms at home. We're really hoping we can move into the work market, the office market, retail..."

Now, I'm going to try to be measured here. OK, the thing is, uhm, there's a reason this music "doesn't normally make it on the CBC,", my dear madam. It's because, erm, this "music" of which you speak fucking sucks ass! If I wanted to listen to top 40 dreck, with its corresponding vacuous blather from vapid on-air radio personalities, there are about 20 options already available in my media market. Why is the CBC again simply trying to emulate what private media already does, and does in such an irritating manner, I might add? In the words of Nancy Kerrigan, "whyyyyy?"

How in God's name is this mediocrity, this lame and transparnent pandering to 'youth culture' and adult contemporary-listening office temps fulfilling CBC's mandate as a national public broadcaster?

Oh uh, and by the way, it's good to see that Jian Ghomeshi, the CBC's in-house second banana, has finally got a steady gig again. Sure beats doling out soup at the CBC cafeteria, which is what he's been doing the last few months, evidently.

The Harper drinking game

So, I'm playing a drinking game today: every time Stephen Harper says "resign" or "Liberal corruption", I do a shot of tequila. It's 11:49 AM as I type this, and I am already plastered.

And look, this isn't the biggest scandal in Canadian history, OK? It's the fourth biggest scandal in Canadian history, according to politicscan, Version 4.0, the world's foremost political scandal detection software.

Highlights of Harper's presser:
(paraphrasing Steve) "Yet despite all this, the Liberals are still in power. Every other example of this in Western democracies, the party responsible has been "obliterated." Uh, what does that say about the alternatives, Steve-O?

Susan Delacourt: "well, Mr. Harper, maybe the reason the gov't hasn't fallen is because...you're a dork. (again, I'm paraphrasing)

CTV guy: same question, in slightly different words.

Harper: (paraphrasing) Look, Canadians will judge next election. Next election, things will be different. Oh yes. I can feel it. And the Leafs will win the Stanley Cup this year, too. Really. And I will sprout wings and fly out of this press gallery.

And Steve-O claims Martin was "exonerated of something he was never accused of."

Huh? Have you listened to yourself and your party the last two years? Then, in the next breath, he implies that Martin, as "chief financial officer" of the governing party that produced this "greatest scandal in the history of the universe," basically should be drawn and quartered. I don't follow here. I'm missing something. Maybe it's because I'm drunk. I think I need to go lie down. This 8-thousand page Report I have before me should make a nice pillow.

Radio One's answer to On the Road Again

All would agree that this the political news story of the year, like, even bigger than Belinda, and what is my beloved Radio One broadcasting right now? Good ole' Shelagh, talkin' with some guy who makes clocks out of cow patties or something equally banal, I assume.

All I know is, they ain't covering Gomery. What the farg? Isn't this supposed to be the public broadcaster's 'news' channel?

some free advice from McGraw-

If you're a government department or large Canadian corporation with some bad news to release, right now might be a good time to do it.

28 minutes to Gomery....