Buford McGraw puts students through a brisk, regimented pace at the Buford McGraw School of Small Talk Development in Smiths Falls.

By Henry J. Shill
Full-Time Bus Driver, Part-Time Recreational Advertorial Composer

For some people, talking about anything, no matter how insignificant, is a struggle. If you're one of those individuals always leaning hopelessly against the wall at parties or known simply as 'that weird guy' to your neighbours because of your inability to strike up a conversation, the Buford McGraw School of Small Talk Development might be the answer for you!

An intensive four-week program offered at Hammer World Headquarters in Smiths Falls, Ontario, or on-line through thehammer.ca, the Buford McGraw School of small talk development is the path to winning acquaintances and making yourself at least somewhat noticeable to those around you.

"People are too concerned about….what they know, or more precisely, what they don't know, when it comes to small talk-they're always afraid that they're coming across as some kind of…..idiot, eh?" said McGraw, thehammer's glorious and virtuous and wonderful union-busting leader and certified small talk expert.

Weather, sports, traffic tie-ups, those crooks on Parliament Hill, the rack on that broad on the news, you name it, the B.M.S.O.S.T.D. offers thorough tutorials on all of these topics, according to McGraw.

"The thing is, you don't need to know anything about anything to be a good small talker-all you need are my tried, tested and true 'building blocks to small talk,' as taught at my school, and you'll be able to shoot the shit about anything you can think of, from the economics of hockey to public nudity statues in Saskatchewan to those guys there in Quebec, even that….hot fusion thing. I guarantee it.

"I've made small talk with people from around the world, and within numerous correctional institutions across the country," said McGraw. "I know everything there is to know about idle chit-chat. I make sure to keep abreast of all new developments in the world of small talk, and I pass it all on to to my students.

"For example, we've recently updated our curriculumum…how do you say that word? No, don't write this part down, you idiot…..we've made some updates to include small-talk instruction on the West Nile, the Mad Cows and the SARS."

McGraw also pointed out that the school offers a special unit on small talk reception. "In small talk, it's very important to create the impression that you give two shits about what is being said to you by your small talk partner-we teach all of the fundamentals, from sporadic head nodding, eyebrow raising, lip pursing and how to say, 'oh yeah?', 'ya don't say?' and 'you're shittin' me' with the correct inflection, tone and timing."

Before he attended the Buford McGraw School of Small Talk Development last summer, plumbing supplies salesman Lester Waeling of Cranbrook, B.C. was hopelessly lost in the art of making small talk.

"In my line of work, being a good small talker is critical to success," said Waeling. "But I just didn't have the necessary skills to hold my own with my clients-some of those boys can small talk a dog off a gut wagon.

"THE FARMERS COULD USE SOME RAIN.... HUH?": A student of the B.M.S.O.S.T.D. uses a 'McGraw approved' small talk aid to help him get through a chat with his neighbour unscathed.

"Believe it or not, there isn't one single course on small talk techniques offered at Harvard Business School. I didn't go there-I'm a Princeton man-but that's what I hear."

Waeling said that he was losing business due to his awkward approach to benign, informal chatter. "I'd start talking to new clients about how good my wife is in the sack, or the lint I'm always finding in my belly button at the most inopportune times, or the watermelon-sized goiter I had removed from my neck a couple of years ago-stuff that Mr. McGraw told me was funny as hell, but not the best approach for small talk initiation in a business environment."

However, the instruction Waeling received at the McGraw School of Small Talk has put the aspiring salesman on the straight and narrow, and now he's reaping the benefits. "Since taking that course, I'm now in the top 97 per cent of all salespeople at my company, and I owe it all to Buford McGraw," boasted Waeling.

"Damn right," said McGraw. "Looks like rain."

Find out with the Buford McGraw School of Small Talk Development can do for you! Call
1-613-555-BLAB for your free brochure! New sessions are starting shortly!

Also inquire about the Dave McGraw School of Pick-Up Lines!

*DUE TO RECENT EVENTS, THE BUFORD MCGRAW SCHOOL OF SMALL TALK DEVELOPMENT IS NO LONGER AFFILIATED WITH CARLETON UNIVERSITY.

(Completion of the course no longer counts as credit towards graduate and post-graduate degrees offered by Carleton. We apologize for any inconvenience.)