Canada to be Moved to South Pacific
|CONTINENTAL DRIFT: Tugboats
begin hauling Moresby Island of B.C.'s Queen Charlotte Islands Archipelago
to its new home in the South Pacific yesterday.
In what will be the most massive public works project in the history
of the country, the federal government has announced that Canada, the
second largest country on earth, will be physically moved to the equatorial
confines of the South Pacific Ocean.
Dubbed the 'Canada Moves' project, the $900 kajillion initiative will
see the province-by-province transportation of the country's 9,970,610
square kilometers of land mass to its Pacific destination, according to
Prime Minister Chrétien and Minister of Moving Arthur Flatbed,
who were both on hand for the 'Canada Moves' kick-off in Sandspit, B.C.
At the media event to unveil this surprise project in B.C.'s Queen Charlotte
Islands yesterday, a fleet of Department of Public Works and Ginger-Sauteed
Chicken (PWGSC) tugboats and decommissioned (were they ever commissioned
in the first place?) B.C. 'fast' ferries began to haul the approximately
150 islands of the Queen Charlotte Islands archipelago to their new destination,
some 4,000 kilometers away in the South Pacific.
The massive project is expected to be completed by 2020.
"The zoning is in place-they've made room for us, so we're all set
to go now," boasted the outgoing Prime Minister, who made no bones
about this being a 'legacy' project of his.
"Damn right it's a legacy project ---Top that one," said a
confident Prime Minister as he watched numerous islands, filled with numerous
surprised residents, being hooked up for towing. "It's my going away
present to Canadians-surprise!"
"Logistics? Opposition? Won't be my problem! I go golfing now."
When questioned about the province-dragging initiative, anonymous MP
Paul Martin refused to say whether or not he will continue with the project
.no, when, he becomes Prime Minister in a couple of weeks.
"Are you kidding? I can't actually state where I stand on something
I know nothing about! I need to practice my doublespeak! I don't state
where I stand on things I know lots about! "
|"I think Canada should be moved
around the world, to a different location every year, so that we can
better understand one another."
-Newly elected NDP leader Jack Layton.
Speaking on behalf of the PM and other ministers, a PWGSC spokesperson
on hand at the 'launch' addressed the thorny question of how massive slabs
of land, otherwise known as provinces and territories, many of them land-locked,
will be moved thousands of kilometers overwater.
Beginning in 2005, specially-trained government cutters will perforate
the borders of each province along all provincial and international borders,
in preparation for their move. Then the aforementioned government tug
boats, along with contracted barges, icebreakers and fishing dorys, will
tow each province, starting in the west and moving eastward. Once they've
been moved to their new tropical home, members of the Canadian Forces
elite jigsaw unit will ensure that all of the provinces fit as they did
before being moved.
|A 'provincial perforator'
begins training for the eventual dismantling of Canada's provincial
Spokesperson Ray Vacuum-Packed assured Canadians that there will be no
change in their day-to-day life during the move: "While your province
is being towed, life will carry on as usual, with the only occasional
interruption being the odd trembler and typhoon when encountering rough
seas-for those of you from B.C., it'll be just like your daily earthquake."
As can be expected, an announcement of such magnitude has resulted in
much bitching, so we thought we'd fill the rest of the article with quotes.
Great way to fill your word quota.
As the formula dictates, we'll begin with the official opposition, who,
surprise, surprise, are opposed to 'Canada Moves'. Said Canadian Alliance
leader Stephen Harper: "Canadians have not been consulted on this.
There needs to be a national, binding referendum on this. An Alliance
.oh, who am I kidding? An Alliance Government
.that's about as likely as a Fijian in the NHL.
"I think we should be moving Canada underneath the United States
if we're going to move anywhere," added Harper.
Canada's Premiers come next, and hey, guess what? They bitched and moaned
about it too! Alberta Premier Ralph Klein led off first: "What if
it's stopped in the middle of the project and Alberta, B.C. and maybe
the Yukon are out in the tropical South Pacific while the rest of the
country is back in its original location? We think we're alienated from
Ottawa now-what if we're an extra 6,000 kilometers away in the middle
of the Pacific
"Hey, now that I think about it, that's pretty good actually-I like
it---as long as all of our oil gets dragged along with us," said
the Alberta Premier.
"We like it. No, no we don't. Yes, yes we do. No, now we don't.
Give us time to come up with a proper flip-flop please," commented
Ontario Premier Ernie Eves.
|HEY, IF CANADA'S REALLY
A BANANA REPUBLIC, WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A BANANA REPUBLIC-TYPE CLIMATE:
The projected location of Canada in the year 2020 when the 'Canada
Moves' project is completed.
However, Canada's youngest and sexiest Premier gave the project his qualified
approval. "Just for fun, we want to be put upside down one we get
to the South Pacific. Might make things more interesting here," said
Bernard, Lord of New Brunswick.
Quebec Premier Bernard Landry raised the always-dangerously high level
of bile in his innards to new heights when he was informed of 'Canada
Moves,' refusing to acknowledge his province's participation and promising
a "serious fist-fight" with the federal government.
"This is an intrusion into the democratic desires of the Quebec
people! In the Constitution that we have not signed, it clearly states
that Province moving is an issue of provincial, not federal jurisdiction!
We will not stand for this! Can you imagine what the Polynesian influence
will do to Quebec's distinct language culture?
"If Quebec is to be dragged anywhere, it will be the other way,
so we can be closer to France," bellowed a purple-faced Landry.
The perspective of the leather elbow patches-on-tweed jacket crowd:
"This is a unilateral declaration of movement, which is not acceptable
under the provisions of the Constitution Act nor of the British North-American
Act," said some nerdy constitutional professor who really needs to
get laid, before adding some mumbo jumbo about there needing to be seven
provinces representing 50 per cent of the population or something like
"This will represent a profound shift in our values," added
some dude in a cardigan sweater who writes for some big newspaper or something
and is always on TV blathering on and on about the social fabric and the
loss of community in our urban centers and all that crap. We're not even
sure if he was talking about the same thing, but it fits with the story.
And finally, the international point of view: When asked about 'Canada
Moves' at a press conference yesterday, U.S. President George W. Bush
expressed his concerns.
"Canada? Canada, Canada
.uh, I've heard that name somewhere
before. Oh yes, that big place up north with the funny-talkin' lad-why,
they can't move-Alaska'll fall in the ocean! Who'll we blame for all our
|So it's come
to this: A Top 12 List On Why Canada Should Be Moved to the South
||Significant reduction in snowfall, with possible exception of Vancouver
||Boon to Saskatchewan's fledgling deep-sea fishing industry;
||Will easily be able to culturally, politically dominate Vanuatu,
Micronesia, Solomon Islands Sphere of Influence;
||No more CBC panel discussions on 'the nature of our relationship
with the U.S.';
||Tourist visits to Ellesmere Island will skyrocket; ('This year,
visit Alert Beach!!!')
||Greatly reduced risk of David Frum ever coming back to Canada;
||Premier Campbell will be able to walk to his trial;
||Someone might actually stay the night in Smiths Falls;
||Everyone's gone surfing, surfing Lab-ra-dor!!!!;
||Exciting, new breeds of aqualife that can be fished into extinction;
fresh, virginal South Pacific air to be polluted with impunity; new
supply of water for Halifax to establish new harbour, dump untreated
||No more American tourists with skis on car roof in July;
||New project for government to fuck up, give folks somethin' to talk