Alberta Government Launches Aggressive New Kyoto Blows
|Alberta Premier Ralph
Klein denounces Kyoto at a First Minister's meeting earlier this year.
Earlier this month, the Kyoto Protocol on Climate Change went through
the House of Commons and became officially ratified by Canada. However,
the Government of Alberta, strong opponents of the accord, refuses to
back down. The government of the oil-rich province today kicked off a
new campaign designed to sway public opinion against Kyoto.
In recent weeks, Alberta Premier Ralph Klein and his cabinet seemed to
have been taking a more conciliatory approach towards the federal government
on the controversial accord, making their new Kyoto Blows campaign
a bit of a surprise for political observers. The new advertisements appear
to be decidedly more aggressive than the previous series of anti-Kyoto
television ads from the Western province.
"Ha ha ha!!! Fools! We tricked you! What a masterful job of lulling
you into a false sense of security!!!! Bwoo-hahhahah!" boasted Premier
Klein, who was decked out in19th Century undertaker's attire for the press
"We must work people into a frenzy over Kyoto, for Hell hath no
fury like a moderately annoyed Canadian."
Kyoto Blows campaign will feature full-page advertisements in
major daily newspapers, billboard advertisements, and television and radio
spots which have began already to air in Eastern Canada.
As could be expected, Environmental Non-Governmental Organizations are
not impressed with the new campaign.
| "When Canadians find out about
the costs of Kyoto, they will be so angry, they will think very hard
about maybe voting." -Ralph Klein gives yet another ominous prediction
for the future of Canada under Kyoto.
"This is the most blatant example of scaremongering I've ever heard
in my life," complained Ronnie Ernest, President of the Vancouver-based
Western Hugging Alliance of Trees (WHAT), after hearing Alberta's latest
Kyoto spot. "The claims made in that advertisement are utter hogwash-except
possibly for the babies being born with seven heads part, we're not sure
about that one yet."
Countered Premier Klein: "There's no scraremongering! Everything
we're saying in this campaign is completely true. The Kyoto Accord will
cause the earth to open up and swallow us whole. And the eyes of every
puppy dog in the land will fall out of their head once it becomes law!
Oh, it might not happen overnight, but it will happen! These are all facts!
We have the science to back it up!-official, registered Scientitians from
the Texas Institute of Scientitioneering have verified all of these claims
Members of Klein's cabinet seconded their overlord. "What we need
to address this problem, if you even want to call it a problem, is a Made-in-Canada
approach to fighting climate change: That is, keep everything exactly
the way it is," asserted Alberta Minister of Resource Extraction
Lorney Driller at the campaign kick-off. "It's what Canadian politics
is all about-maintaining the status quo."
To coincide with the launch of Kyoto Blows, a massive two-hour
'rev-in' protest took place at the parking lot of the Calgary Saddledome
earlier today. "We got together about 5,000 sports utility vehicles,
souped-up muscle cars, big trucks, only big emission producers, no Toyotas
or crap like that," said anti-Kyoto rev-in organizer Donny LaBeat.
"We idled them, revved the engines, sqealed some tires, laid down
some peelers, y'know stuff like that, just to let those Easterners know
that Kyoto Blows."
No member of the federal cabinet was available for comment on the new
campaign from Alberta, as they were busily being chauffered about Ottawa
in their really big limousines.