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Harper Holds First Cabinet Meeting

Harper Holds First Cabinet Meeting

An increasingly confident Stephen Harper held his first cabinet meeting this morning in Ottawa, even though his Conservative Party has yet to be elected as the nation's government.

"I thought we'd get to work early on ending Liberal corruption, and all that other...stuff we've been promising decent, God-fearing, law-abiding, tax-paying, multi-gendered Canadian families," said the suddenly moderate, downright cuddly sexpot of a Prime Minister-no-longer-waiting.

Members of Harper's new cabinet conducted their meeting publicly, before fawning members of the national media, many of whom were awestruck with Harper's take charge style of leadership.

"Doesn't he look Prime Ministerial?" cooed CTV Newsnet's Mike Duffy, clutching a pen in hope of procuring an autograph.

"All this time, I forgot how moderate Prime Minister Harper really is," added the Toronto Star's James Travers. "All hail the Dear Leader."

While the meeting was brief, several topics were covered by the Conservative cabinet, including a timeline for the implementation of tax cuts for the well-off; a timeline for the implementation of tax cuts for the extremely well-off; and a timeline for the implementation of tax cuts for the supremely, super-duper well-off.

Questions have arisen, however, about the appearance of arrogance in holding a cabinet meeting four days before the federal election actually occurs.

Prime Minister Paul Martin was quick to attack the Conservatives' pre-emptive cabinet meeting: "The fact is, fundamentally, Stephen Harper's not officially in office yet, so I'm not really sure what he's, the fact is, uh, up to, here," commented the PM while campaigning at a truck stop in Resolute Bay, Nunavut this morning.

"Ah shit, does it matter? Call the travel agent, Scott, let's go skiing."

Prime Minister Harper, for his part, was defiant about his decision to get down to work slightly ahead of schedule.

"Haven't you read the papers? The latest Globe and Mail poll (of 11 people, all of them in Camrose, Alberta) has us 70 per cent up on the Liberals! Every media outlet in the country has jumped on our bandwagon! Even the Toronto Star!

"I think we're going to need to bring in two-tiered health care just to deal with all these broken ankles."

Prime Minister Harper said he will formally introduce his cabinet this afternoon, and his first visit with US President George W. Bush as PM will take place tomorrow morning in Washington, during which he is expected to apologize profusely for his predecessor's repeated examples of insolence.

Posted on January 20th, 2006


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