Tortured Arab Airlines Jet Refused Permission to Land at Pearson Airport
A new international incident between Canada and the United States has arisen, after a Casa 235 turboprop airplane operated by the CIA's Tortured Arab Airlines was reportedly refused permission to land in Toronto last night.
According to stories that broke earlier this week in the national media, planes leased by the CIA have for months, if not years, been using Canadian airspace and making secretive refueling stops in Canada before whisking terror suspects to undisclosed overseas locations for...rest and relaxation. These flights have been conducted under the American policy of 'extraordinary rendition,' in which individuals suspected of links to terror are kidnapped by CIA officers and surreptitiously transported to regimes with more, uh, liberal interpretations of what exactly constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.
Upon the publication of these reports, pressure mounted on the federal government to take action and...possibly ask the American government to...maybe...think about stopping doing whatever it is that their planes are doing over, or in, our country.
While this could be a possible explanation for last night's action by Canadian authorities, no government official was admitting responsibility for the refusal-to- land order. Despite evidence to the contrary, including a transcript from the Pearson control tower telling the Tortured Arab plane that it couldn't land, Anne McLellan, Minister of Public Order and Discipline, denied that the plane was refused access to the airport.
"The Tortured Arab Airlines plane in question was never refused permission to land," insisted McLellan, busily campaigning in her Edmonton riding that she hopes to win by at least six votes this time.
"Er, I mean, except, that is to say, there was no flight. It never happened. There were no airplanes. No airplane has ever landed at Pearson Airport. Ever. Thank you. That is all."
The Minister then disappeared in a cloud of smoke, returning to Mugwarts, according to her spokesperson.
Transport Minister Jean Lapierre was unavailable for comment, as he has been muzzled (literally) by orders of the Liberal Party for the remainder of the election campaign.
And we didn't even try asking the Prime Minister about it, because we can't afford the cover charge to get on his bus.
However, in a written statement on the subject released late last night by the PMO, the Prime Minister said that he would make it "very, very, very clear to American officials that he would be asking them, in a very, very clear manner, to think about possibly not doing what it is that they may or may not be doing.
"I don't want George getting mad at me again. (U.S. Ambassador) Frank (McKenna) already got yelled at this week," the news release concluded. "I like you, George. I really do."
Campaigning in British Columbia, Conservative Leader Stephen Harper criticized the federal government for its "wanton disrespect towards our American friends."
Said Harper: "I can't believe we have Liberal cabinet minister standing up to our American overlords just to score cheap political points. If the Americans want to use our airports to refuel their torture flights, who are we to say no? I think it's rather rude. I mean, they've got to refuel somewhere. What do you want them to do, stop in Russia or Australia or something? I don't see what the big deal is.
"Such blatant electioneering by the Liberals during an election campaign is unconscionable," continued the opposition leader, who then promised every Canadian a shiny toonie if they voted for him.
As for the American response, US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, completing a wildly successful lecture tour of European Union leaders, was remarkably forthright, saying that the US government does not operate "secret ghost flights" anymore.
"That's why we put 'Tortured Arab Airlines' on the side of the planes," said Dr. Rice. "We're being very open and transparent about it, isn't that what the international community wants?
"God, there's no pleasing you Euro-weenies...and Canadian Euro-weenies," added Secretary Rice.
President George W. Bush was even more forthright, when asked about what's become known in the US press as the 'Canadian incident.'
"Look, I'll say it again: read my lips, and my father's lips - we do not torture. We do not torture," read the president from his teleprompter.
Posted on December 14th, 2005