Canadian Humour, Satirical News and Hard-Hitting News.
Bringing you the best Canadian satire since 2001.
Advertise with for as low as $15 per month

Canadian Satire, Humour and Hard-Hitting News View Headline Feed The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of, Trevor and David The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of, Trevor and David

Jean Issues Televised Statement of Loyalty: "I F*#@ing Hate Quebec."

Jean Issues Televised Statement of Loyalty:

Earlier this week, Governor-General designate Michaëlle Jean issued a terse press release proclaiming her loyalty to Queen and country. Although it was seen as an effort to appease the talk radio intelligentsia who've been calling for Jean's head because she reportedly shook hands with Jacques Parizeau's accountant in 1993, her written statement still wasn't good enough for many of them.

"She did not specifically say whether she was, or if she had ever in the past, been a member of the Communist Party...I mean, whether she voted...whatever the wrong way to vote was in the 1995 thingie," said Edmonton talk radio host Hubert McCarthy, who has been angering up the blood of Alberta shut-ins and pensioners for 346 years. "She needs to resign right now, or else Alberta's gonna be so mad, we'll separate," he added, blisfully oblivious to the irony of what he just said.

Aware of the fact that McCarthy, along with at least three kooks from the Ottawa Sun's editorial board, were still not satisfied with her federalist pedigree, Jean took to the national airwaves (except for the CBC, who was in the midst of an 21-hour Antiques Roadshow marathon due to management's lockout of staff) last night to quell any further uproar about her alleged separatist links.

In a five-minute statement delivered in English, French, Spanish, Creole and Uzbek, Jean not only reiterated her love of Canada and the role that she will play in salvaging it, as well as all of humanity, she also took the time to emphasize her hatred for Quebec and "everything it stands for."

The doormat outside their home gets regular use.

"I hate Quebec. No, no...I fucking hate Quebec," emphasized Jean at the beginning of her speech. "I sincerely hope that the pipe dream of Quebec sovereignty-a dream shared by so many backwards thinkers in that backwards province where I have had the terrible misfortune of living for over 30 years-goes unfulfilled for the next ten thousand years.

"It is my life's ambition that the people of Quebec be made to live in misery and subjugation at the tip of the boot of English Canada.

"Not only did I vote 'No' in the 1995 referendum," she insisted, "I burned Lucien Bouchard in effigy on my front lawn every day for two weeks before the vote to demonstrate my contempt for the sovereignty movement. In hindsight, I really wish I got (filmmaker husband and fellow traveler) Jean-Daniel to videotape it so I could prove it to you."

Jean said that she, her husband and their six-year old daughter start every day by wiping their feet on the Fleur-de-Lys. "We then discuss how it is we can dedicate ourselves to screwing over the French on that particular day. What is it we can do to crush the aspirations of the Quebec people?"

Michaëlle and Jean-Daniel's beloved bedroom suite.

Continued the future vice-regal, who speaks 71 languages: "Furthermore, every Christmas, my family re-enacts the "night of the long knives" from the Constitutional First Minister's Convention in 1981, when Trudeau totally gave Lévesque the shaft. Man, that was awesome. Take that Rene!"

"I hope all of that suffices and you all believe how much I love Canada, and hate Quebec," concluded Jean, while adding that she "really looked forward" to the next five years.

"Maybe introducing the Passionate Eye for 30 seconds a week wasn't so bad after all."

The office of Conservative Party leader Cowboy Stephen Harper was working on a news release titled "Still Not Loyal Enough For Us" as of press time.

Posted on August 19th, 2005



The Hammer - Canadian Satirical News, Stories and Hard-Hitting Headlines
©2004 Cancon10 Inc. [ Disclaimer and Privacy Notice ]
Content on this site is satirical and intended for mature audiences.