Canadian Tire Couple In Divorce Shocker
| ?I?M ENDING WITH YOU?|
Ted and Gloria Pneumatic, the ubiquitous couple featured in those Canadian Tire commercials on the TV every five goddamn minutes, have filed for divorce, thehammer.ca has learned.
In an exclusive interview, Gloria admitted that she and her husband of 13 years have in fact been separated from one another for several months.
"We wanted to keep this secret because of the possibility of negative implications both for the company and for our careers as a husband-wife pitch duo, but I couldn't continue living a lie," said Gloria, who admitted that she wasn't happy in the relationship for a long time.
"Ted and I were all smiles and chuckles when we were extolling the virtues of the 50 dollar folding recliner or the cheap-ass DVD player for the car that breaks after the first speed bump, but when the cameras stopped rolling, we would just return to the loveless sham that was our marriage," she admitted in a phone interview. "We hadn't made love in our inflatable BYO Bed, complete with Memory Foam, in over a year. All he seemed to care about was his...stuff.
"Oh sure, I'd plaster on a smile and ooze with enthusiasm over the new Mastercraft Electronic Corkscrew, or whatever the hell it was we happened to be schlepping that particular day, but I began to ask myself...isn't there more to life than this?
"I think it was the ad for the Motomaster Automatic Car Door Unlocker that broke the proverbial camel's back. That's when I realized that I didn't love this man anymore.
|Mike McChuckle, spokesperson for Canadian Tire and a direct descendant of Sandy McTire, had no knowledge of Ted and Gloria's marital difficulties.
"I mean, why can't you just unlock the goddamn door with your keys?
"Our marriage got to the point where it was built on nothing more than the wanton consumption of crap," she continued. "Instead of devoting more time to the relationship, Ted thought all of our communication problems would go away if he just continued to buy more shit that would just wind up collecting dust in the closet. I mean, the Mastercraft Tap Turner? What was he thinking? Who needs all this shit?"
Gloria admitted that it was she who initiated the divorce proceedings. "Ted's still a little shook up about the whole thing. He's tried to win me back with more...stuff, but he just doesn't get it. Sometimes, I'd just like to grab a Mastercraft XM-70 Megaphone and scream it out to him: 'You can't buy my love with all of this crap! I'm a human being with emotional needs!'"
When reached for comment, Ted Pneumatic sniffled audibly before hanging up his Pulsar Belltone Cordless Phone, available for only $59.99 at your nearest Canadian Tire.
Gloria said that the couple have agreed not to get "the lawyers" involved as of yet. "We're trying to keep things amicable for our son, but we haven't exactly determined who gets what," she indicated. She revealed that she has asked her husband for 1,200 Canadian Tire dollars per month in support, for herself and for little Bocihpus, the couple's child.
Mike McChuckle, a spokesperson for Canadian Tire, said that the company had no knowledge of Ted and Gloria's marital difficulties, but he indicated that the venerable Canadian retailer has no plans of firing the couple. "We look forward to having Ted and Gloria continue to annoy the living shit out of Canadians from coast to coast. After all, it's just TV right? They can act...well, sort of..."
|Ted nearly breaks into tears and has to "take five" after doing an extended scene with his ex-wife for the Motomaster Eliminator 600A PowerBox, now only $149 at Canadian Tire.
However, the revelation of the couple's split could have negative repercussions for the Crappy Tire brand, according to Nigel Berconso, marketing professor at the University College of Western Prince Edward Island.
"What does it say to Canadian consumers that this smarmy, eternally upbeat couple with the seemingly perfect life selling them the Motomaster 'Boat in a Suitcase' on the TV are in fact going through an acrimonious divorce? It seems rather hypocritical," said Dr. Berconso, who continues to be stupefied to this day that they give out doctorates for marketing.
"Not only that, but they refuse to say which side they voted for in the 1995 Quebec referendum on sovereignty. That might have something to do with the fact that they have never lived in Quebec, but still...it raises some red flags."
And as for the couple's on-air future? Will they continue working together? Gloria says as far as she's concerned, yes.
"Hey, we're professionals...plus, the gig pays a lot better than dinner theatre in Niagara Falls. It's all about the Dead Prime Ministers, baby."
Posted on August 15th, 2005