All of England Drunk
England: Questionable teeth, even more questionable cuisine, 400 days of rain a year, a national football team that always chokes on penalties, and 11 or 12 pints after a hectic Monday at work.
All of England is completely drunk. In pubs, homes, high-rises and on the streets, the entire nation of some 50 million residents is right out of it, passed out on their couches, sleeping it off under their desks, or throwing up in toilets and in ditches across the country.
"This is the worst it's ever been. Even during National Drunk Week back in February people weren't this loaded," said Henry Jobens, Minister of Public Drunkenness. "Sorry mate, but I've got to go take a piss."
According to international observers, not one single sober person could be found in the entire country over the past 24 hours. The situation has gotten so bad in English communities, Irish peacekeepers have been brought in under United Nations' decree to re-establish national sobriety.
"I've been drunk ever since England got knocked out of Euro (soccer championship) last summer," said unemployed bricklayer Steve McWhirter of Sheffield, out wandering the streets just lookin' for a donnybrook to join in. "I was thinkin' I might sober up in a few days, but oy, not like I've got a job to go to our anything like that.
"Give us another tin of lager."
McWhirter then punched his mate Nigel in the nose.
According to experts, the national drunk crisis appears to be the result of the growing binge drinking culture in England, upon which Prime Minister Tony Blair has pledged to crack down in recent months. However, the Prime Minister appeared to be a bit "sozzled" himself in an address last night in the House of Commons.
Commenting about its national drunkenness crisis, Prime Minister Tony Blair said, "I'm...pretty pissed right now...too many pints of Strongbow at tea time, I'm afraid." Members of the House of Commons garbled drunken gibberish in response.
"Come on, let me celebrate, ya tossers," added Prime Minister Blair. "I just got re-elected three or four weeks ago...wow, has it been three weeks already? I should go and see...my wife I guess. She's a top bird, she is...lookit Winston Churchill, he was a right boozer, and he was...innit? Slag off, you fucking barmy Conservative punters!" declared the Labour Prime Minister, according to the official transcript on Hansard.
To combat the problem of over-indulgence, Blair also announced a national happy hour, whereby all drinks will be half price for the next three months, and bars will be permitted to serve alcohol 24 hours a day from now on. (That last bit isn't satire, it's the truth-EDITOR)
"We figure it'll help, because, the lads will get so tired of drinking and so full of booze that their pancreases will explode, and all the blokes will have to stop drinking. It'll help the national health system in the long run," concluded Blair.
English police, who are also right knackered, the whole lot of them, are reporting full and complete drunkenness throughout the country.
"Oy, everyone in the whole bloody country seems to be smashed tonight, gov," said Lieutenant John Souse from the Nottingham police. "I'm pretty tipsy meself.
"Usually, there's a couple of sober punters lyin' around to drive a few of us home if need be, but there was a bit of a mix-up tonight. I guess we're stayin' over this evening."
What is the explanation behind this national drunk? "There is undoubtedly an alarming trend of increased alcohol consumption in England," said Dr. John Sweetmeat from the British Institute on Substance Research, a public health organization critical of more liberalized liquor laws in the UK. "Drinking is a way of life in England. If you aren't drunk, you soon will be."
Added Dr. Welland: "Oy, I'm fucking pissed!" as he ripped his shirt off and began running down the street, beating his chest and urinating on a parked car.
Posted on May 29th, 2005