Now is the Time to Restore Civility to the House of Commons, You Scum-Sucking Liberal Pigs
A rebuttal to the Prime Minister from the Honourable Stephen Harper, Leader of the Official Opposition
On Monday, while campaigning...sorry, I have to try to be...'civil' now, while traveling around the Maritimes, like any head of government worth his salt...or 'her' salt (don't want to be sexist, gotta score with the chicks...I mean the chick 'vote'...the broads still don't like me much for some reason), would do, needlessly frittering away our tax dollars on those backwards provinces, no, no, I mean, 'making prudent expenditure announcements' to our brothers and sisters in Atlantic Canada, the Prime Minister made an appeal for a return to civility in political discourse in our country, particularly in the House of Commons.
"I believe that anyone who watches question period would walk away shaking their heads," were his exact words, and well, I, for one, agree with the Prime Minister on this. After much sober reflection this past weekend, I too have come to the conclusion that the tone of debate in the House of Commons must change. We are "turning Canadians off" with our childish rhetoric. We should do better. We must do better.
I mean, just because the Liberals have been proven irrefutably and categorically to be criminally evil demons drunk from systemic corruption and hellbent on ruining Canada and everything it stands for as a nation, now is not the time nor place to be saying this.
And just because every last Liberal in our country is a thief and a crook who should be publicly shamed and jailed for the rest of their natural lives, well, I'm sorry, but it's time to take the high road.
Therefore, I would like to announce that I, along with all of the members of my caucus...well, I mean most of them-some of those wingnuts, I can't keep a lid on them-are you kidding? Like I'm gonna muzzle Myron Thompson...I can't even stand talking to the guy...and he's not the only one...anyway, my point being, we will refrain from the personal attacks. No, until I say otherwise, not a word will pass these lips about the Liberals being ghoulish, sub-human monsters who will eat your elderly relatives in barbecue sauce if re-elected. And of course, we all know they won't be re-elected, because the Canadian people aren't that idiotic. Right? The Liberals returning to power would be the worst thing to happen in human history. Ever.
Yes, I promise that I will refrain from saying anything about the Prime Minister returning home to 24 Sussex after a hard day of bamboozling the Canadian people, only to unwind by engaging in kinky man-on-man sexual activities with members of his cabinet, because that just wouldn't be appropriate. Canadians expect more from us, as parliamentarians, and as leaders in our respective communities.
You have my guarantee, Mr. Prime Minister, that I, nor any of my caucus, will make any completely baseless, unfounded allegations about you snorting coke off of Ralph Goodale's ass, until the writ is dropped.
While it has been scientifically proven that each and every member of the Liberal Party of Canada hopes you all get terminal cancer and that this Liberal government consists of corrupt, vile swamp creatures who think nothing of clubbing small animals for pleasure and publicly urinating on the graves of our veterans, you won't be hearing about it from this leader of the opposition. No sir. We must rise above such partisan invective.
Now is the time for civility. Now is the time for Parliamentary peace.
So to you, Mr. Martin, I say this: I am extending an olive branch. I am calling a truce. It is time to make Parliament work. At least until I get my election. Then, it's Liberal ass-whipping time. Whoohoo! We're gonna have Karl Rove-quality material!
Like, I don't want to tip my hat, but how's this for a campaign slogan: "We're not as corrupt as the Liberals are." Pretty good, huh? Oh, I can't wait to be Prime Minister! I just can't wait! It's gonna be so awesome!
Posted on May 17th, 2005