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Random Typings with Merv Jeacle

Random Typings with Merv Jeacle

I know, I know, it's been a while since I...'filed,' as they call it in the biz, but Mr. McGraw said that according to "market research," nobody reads my column, so from now on, Random Typings will be used as a "last resort" whenever the aforementioned Mr. McGraw is too hungover to come up with something himself for deadline. As he had a late night at the Conservative's election victory party (seems a tad presumptuous to me, but what do I know? I'm no political expert) last night, I'm getting called up to the plate. Not sure why he got invited to that, seeing that he hates them all, but hey, the point is, I could really use the work, so the more benders he goes on, the better it is for my bottom line.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to discuss salary, but it's not like I have one of those...'confidentiality agreements' or anything...I'm getting $7.50 a column now! Instead of throwing an ashtray at my head like the last time I asked for a raise from my usual 5 dollars per, Mr. McGraw said yes when I...broached the subject last week. (My friend Larry gave me a thesaurus for my birthday, seeing as I'm a professional writer now). That's a...well, can't find the calculator, but that's a substantial raise! I don't care what other people say, he's all right, that Mr. McGraw.

So, anyway, as per my contractual obligations, I guess it's time to review what's going on in the world of politics, just like that Paul Wells guy.

Finally got cable hooked up at my apartment, and I was watching the Don Newman show yesterday on Newsworld (class act, that Mr. Newman is-I shook his hand once at a hockey game a few years back...or maybe it was a strip bar...most of the past 20 years have been kind of a blur for me) and my goodness but those Members of Parliament are getting ornery with one another. The NDP House Leader, Libby something, I think her name is, and this dame with a bad fake tan from the Bloc, I actually thought they were gonna get in a fistfight right there in the foyer of the House of Commons. 'Bitch' this and 'slut' that, oh, it was terrible. At least, I think that's what they're saying...I'm on this new medication for my back that's really strong, and it has a tendency to...affect my...umbilical...breath...

Lot of...acrimony on that there hill...actually, that would have been kind of cool, as the kids say today, if those two did fight. My money would have been on Libby-she's a bigger woman, and despite their uh, earnestness and peace-loving ways, those NDPers are surprisingly good fighters when need be, as I discovered a few years back when I was still drinking and one of them came...canvassing at my apartment door after I had a few and had been listening to too much of the talk radio.

Yeah...'Parliamentary Catfights' there would be a DVD I'd buy, if only I had a DVD player. I figure I'll wait until they come down in price a little more.

Speaking of angry, my goodness, but Stephen Harper is looking bound up. Somebody really needs to buy that guy a box of All-Bran. Why, it even looks like he's tryin' to out-anger Duceppe, which is absolutely impossible, as far as I can tell. One of these days, those big googly eyes are gonna pop right out of his head when I'm watchin' CPAC.

It's a good thing Ed Broadbent, may his soul rest in peace...oh wait, you only say that after people die, not when they leave politics, I guess...anyway, Ed is getting out when he is-I would have definitely voted for him last election, if I lived in that he represents, whatever that word is...and I got around to voting.

Does anyone know what "procedural wrangling" means? Is that a new line of jeans? Not sure what denim pants have to do with the nation's business, but again, I'm no Jane Taber. All I do know is, I bet Belinda Stronach would look great in them. Hmm...excuse me for a minute...

Maybe I should go ask about them at Sears on my lunch break tomorrow.

You know, being a pundit, I feel like I have some punditing on this-was that not...bizarre what the Conservatives were doing with their two Members of Parliament with the cancer, trying to score political points off of their illness back there a couple of days ago? I'm surprised they didn't wheel the two of them out on hospital beds for maximum effect-Last time I remember seeing that Stinson guy say anything in the House was when he challenged some equally anonymous backbencher to a fistfight...I wouldn't wanna fight him, cancer or not. He's a mean lookin' little bugger.

I guess the moral of the story is, unless you're a classy-looking dame like Belinda or that other lass they got-y'know, with the glasses, who's strategically placed behind Harper in the House seating plan so you can always see her on TV-if you're in the Conservative caucus, you have to get cancer to ask a question during QP.

Next week, if the little darlings don't get their confidence vote when they want it, I'm thinking the next step will be for the Conservatives to bring a gaggle of crippled orphans all clutching little puppy dogs into the House, to ask that nasty Prime Minister why he's such a big meanie and why can't they have their election NOW, goddamit?

Oh, I'm getting all worked up now, (not as much as the Harper-Duceppe two-headed monster of indignation, but still, worked up) not good for the old ticker. I've already exceeded my word count, so I better save all my other ideas for my next column. Maybe I'll go buy Mr. McGraw a six-pack and see where it leads...

Posted on May 14th, 2005



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