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Celebrity Advice For Men with David Lee Roth

Q) My daughter has just entered her terrible twos. She says "no" all the time, and throws terrible temper tantrums when we are in public. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this situation?

DLR) Whoa! Ha ha ha. I told my waitress last week, after she told me they ran out of gin, I said 'Come sit down and enjoy a Cherry Coca-Cola with me'. Ha-ha-ha-Dooooooo-whop. I tell you man, Every little lady has her time in the sun, and I say 'Yes!!', get those rays because I love them tan-lines, you know what I'm talking about. Zooooom! A chick without her chrip can take a load of engine fuel without my help.


Q) My wife and I are currently planning our summer vacation and was wondering if you had any suggestion on where we could go?

DLR) There's a saying that the mole people of Kasilli hills say to me everytime I visit there, 'A little yellow flower can make a k-9 howl for delight', and that's no lie! Of course, we're not talking puppy-dogs here, now are we... Two in the bunker means three on the street ? you know what I mean? I've been around the globe, brother, and what I would do is pull up a seat on the beach with two-thousand of my closest female companions, raise my cocktail high in the air and wait for the paramedics to arrive because no-one's going to survive that shin-dig. No moss, no loss!


Q) I have a bit of money stashed away for a rainy day but would like to make the most of it. Do you think I should dabble in the stock market or should I keep it all in low-risk investments?

DLR) Here's my situation, my friend - my assets are liquid, my expenses are expensive, and my financial adviser is 38-22-38. Heh-he-he!!! I have to tell you, though, the only rainy day there is every going to be is when you're six-feet under the cold, cold ground. Heh... Lick some lolly-pops, build an arc, take some tapioca pudding and place it on the hood of your car because there ain't no tomorrow! A fire ain't a fire if there is no fire! Driving a convertible the middle of summer with no clothes on and sending away for a subscription to The Scandal Weekly can be good for your heart, your eyes and the ladies. Take it from me ? nothing is anything, and a multi-coloured canary can make the best lover.

Know what I mean?

Posted on April 25th, 2005

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