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The Prime Minister's Address to the Nation

The Prime Minister's Address to the Nation

Good evening. That is to say, evening, being the time, that is between late afternoon and what we call, nighttime. While I realize that for some of you, particularly those of you in the west, it may not in fact be evening, but still the afternoon, I apologize for the inaccuracy of my reference to the time of day. I'm sorry. And in the Atlantic and Newfoundland time zones, I am aware of the fact that it is currently late enough in the day that it could be accurately referred to as 'night,' and not, the evening. Again, I'm sorry.

I don't want to preempt...Train 48 or that George Snuffleupagus guy, so I'll try to keep this under 20...what? I've only got six minutes? Christ, I'd get more time on amateur night at Yuk-Yuk's-OK, well, this is a very, very important speech for me, and I've already wasted two minutes, so, I should get to the meat of the speech. I think you'll find it to be very, very galvanizing. Trust me, by the time I'm done, you'll wonder why you ever considered not voting for me.

At this time, I would like to reiterate how deeply sorry I am. If I could show you my innards, my angst-filled internal organs, they would indicate the depth of my penitence for what a rogue band of 85 per cent of the Quebec wing of my party- my beloved, beautiful party that I worked so hard to wrest control of-did.

Allegedly.

You know, if you may permit me this confession, the past few weeks have not been easy. Christ, even that fucking McGuinty twerp is taking shots at me now. I'm taking arrows from every side. You know, it's true-it's hard at the top. It really is. Very, very, very hard.

To be perfectly honest, I have been feeling rougher than Myron Thompson strolling through the plateau ...plateau...in Montreal. Large gay community...there...Am I, am I, supposed to pause for laughter? Right, there's no studio audience. We couldn't...couldn't get one of those with such short notice.

But enough about me-I'd like to talk to you now about recent allegations that have been put forth at the Gomery Commission. Myself, along with my party, have full confidence in Justice Gomery's ability to get to the bottom of this rancid, vile, brackish, odious matter. More than anybody, we want the truth. No, we demand the truth. The truth is the most important thing in the world to my government, and to me. Very, very, very, very important. In fact, it is truly my first priority. No stone must go unturned. It is therefore imperative that we wait until Justice Gomery has completed his report before Canadians are to have their say at the polls. I pledge to call an election within 30 days of the tabling of Justice Gomery's report. It's my commitment to you.

By the way, I would like to announce this evening that the Gomery Commission has been extended until 2009. Again...no stone unturned, etcetera, etcetera...

I can assure you. Really. I mean it, so much. So fucking much. Justice will be served. All of those found to have behaved improperly under the auspices of the sponsorship program will be paraded across the country for shaming. They will then be returned to Ottawa, whereby they will be hanged by their thumbs after being dragged through the streets. After this, they will be skinned alive before the public. What remains of their hides will be boiled in oil, and then they will be stoned by ornery beef farmers from Alberta. Finally, they will then be forced to watch a continuous loop of episodes of PopCultured with Elvira Kurt until they succumb to their madness and beg for mercy.

(SOBBING AUDIBLY) I...promised Sheila I wouldn't cry. I would...I would like to bring out little Jimmy right now. (Enter a sickly waif on crutches dressed like an extra from Oliver Twist). Little Jimmy here is such a lovable scamp. He reminds me quite a bit of myself when I was a little boy, sitting at my father's knee here in this very building, watching him unsuccessfully become Prime Minister with four different governments. Did you know I was actually born, raised and schooled right here in the House of Commons? In fact, I never ventured off of Parliament Hill until I was 18 years old. This place is, in my blood, you could say.

I want you right now to take a look at little Jimmy. So innocent. So sweet. Such hope for the future. Pretty soon, you're not gonna need those crutches anymore, right Jimmy? (Jimmy grins and nods)

(SOBBING EVEN MORE AUDIBLY) Ask yourself, do you want Stephen Harper in charge of Jimmy's future? They'll have him working in the salt mines in no time! The Conservative Party will torch the orphanages! Are these the people you want as stewards of the future for Jimmy, and for thousands of telegenic little kids like him?

(SOBBING TO THE POINT OF VIRTUAL INCOHERENCE) Please people-throw me a bone! I just want to be loved! Love me! I've worked all my life for this! All my life! I mean, taking over the party, now it's all gone out the window in a year and a fucking half? What the fuck! For what? Chretien was right! This whole Gomery thing has been a mistake! A huge fucking mistake!

(30 SECOND PAUSE)

Uhm, I mean, what I meant to say was, I'm uh, very, very thankful that the majority of you across the country aren't watching this. After all, Survivor is on. The fact of the matter is that half the country wouldn't even know who John Gomery was if he punched them in the nose. Hell, half of you probably couldn't even pick me out of a line-up. That's...probably a good thing. Just remember, on election day, vote for the red guys.

Thank you.

Posted on April 22nd, 2005


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