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AGENDA: National Conservative Policy Convention, Montreal, March 17-19

Thursday, March 17, 2005:
3 PM: Liver check-in and registration
4 PM: Debate on what it is exactly we should debate
5 PM: Plenary discussion: 'hiding our secret agenda more effectively'
6 - 8 PM: Dinner of roasted Vancouver vegetarian
8 PM: "How to get the frogs on our side"- a presentation from some angry old man from Saskatchewan
8: 30 PM: "Just do nothing and hope it fixes itself: the 'Made-in-Canada' approach to fighting climate change" - a speech from party Environment critic...whazizname...you know, with the moustache?
9 PM: "Testing CPAC's 'beep' button" - an address from John Motherf***in' Crosby (18+)
10 PM: Delegate information session: Tipping protocol at Club Supersexe and how to respond to locals who laugh and point at you when they see you on the street wearing Conservative Party nametag
Friday, March 18, 2005:
8 - 10 AM: Hangover breakfast, with green beer communal puke
10 AM: "Social conservatism: the path to electoral success in Central and Atlantic Canada" - a presentation by Mr. S. Day
11 AM: Plenary discussion: Tax cuts --the answer to homelessness in Canada?
12 PM -- 1 PM: Working lunch plenary: "Resign!" - How to make our daily demands for every cabinet minister's resignation more urgent
1 PM: Vote on Resolution 97: Let's get even drunker than the Liberals did at their convention
2 PM: Vote on Resolution 99: Making Quebec sovereignty official party policy so that we don't have to worry about winning seats there anymore
3 PM: Parade of wingnuts
4 PM: 'Insert foot in Mouth Now' -- A video career retrospective of Randy White
4:03 PM: Plenary discussion: Should Harper have at least waited until Goodale finished his speech to mention how great budget was?
5 - 7 PM: Dinner, with bear wrestling demonstration by Darrell Stinson
7 PM: 'The Wild Rose of Alberta': Myron Thompson's topless review
7:30 PM: The ethnic comedy of Ablonczy and Toews
8 PM: 'Fiery' keynote speech from our leader
9 PM: Delegate wake-up session
9:30 PM: Man, I need a beer
10 PM: Late night entertainment: the public consummation of Peter and Belinda's relationship (18+)
11 PM: Here we come, Crescent Street!
Saturday, March 19, 2005:
7 - 9 AM: Leader's breakfast
7 - 9 AM: Avoid getting cornered into stilted small talk with leader
7 - 9 AM: Laugh at how those youth delegates can't hold their liquor
10 AM: Oh shit, we never actually came up with any policy this weekend
10:30 AM: Uh, what the fuck is our official party policy? Goddamn hospitality suites and their free booze!
11 AM: Constitution? We have a party constitution? It has to be ratified? Shit, I didn't know that! I just came here for the strippers!
12 PM: Hope that the airline that flew you to Montreal hasn't gone out of business over the weekend

Posted on March 17th, 2005


 

 

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