Toronto Maple Leafs Declare Themselves 2005 Stanley Cup Champions
|Hey, a cup is a cup is a cup, right?|
The Toronto Maple Leafs--our nation's favourite hockey team--have ended their 38-year championship drought by declaring themselves 2005 Stanley Cup champions.
Leafs' management made the unexpected pronouncement at a press conference called after the official cancellation of the National Hockey League's 2004-2005 season.
While it was assumed the coveted trophy would not be awarded this year, the Leafs' top brass see things differently.
"The Stanley Cup is not the property of the National Hockey League," Leafs General Manager John Ferguson Jr. accurately pointed out. "Thus, we feel that we were well within our rights to claim it. Who's gonna stop us? We're the Leafs!"
And, according to Ferguson, procuring the Cup was rather easy.
"The real Stanley Cup is at the Hockey Hall of Fame, just a couple of blocks away from my office," he explained. "So I just walked over there on my lunch break and asked the security guard if we could borrow the Cup for a while, and he said ?sure'. Sucker.
"I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner."
"It was great walking down Yonge Street with the Cup and everyone honking their horns at me and cheering. It gave me goose bumps," continued Ferguson. "And it was so much easier than trying to win it the more traditional way, you know, on the...ice, with a team full of 55-year-old men."
But wouldn't it be more fulfilling to win the Stanley Cup the "more traditional" way?
"That's the old paradigm," barked Leafs coach Pat Quinn, who flew in from a six-month golf vacation in Antarctica to celebrate his first Stanley Cup championship. "You have to think outside the box to win championships today."
"I defy you to tell us that we're not the Stanley Cup champions," added a visibly agitated Ferguson. "Tell us that we're not. Look into my four-year old son's eyes and tell us that we're not the Stanley Cup champions. I dare you."
Upon hearing the news, jubilant Leaf fans immediately took to the streets of Toronto to celebrate their team's first cup since 1066.
"YEAH!" said Frank McFrank of Etobicoke, wearing a tinfoil Stanley Cup on his head as he strolled around Yonge Street in a drunken stupour. "I'm not goin' to work for a week!
"Season or no season, someone's gotta get the cup. The cup is ours! Lockout champions 2005! WOOHOO!!!"
Members of the Leafs will be gathering in Toronto for a public rally and parade, once they've all been notified about the Stanley Cup win.
A spokesperson from the NHL's head office in New York said the league is "examining the situation."
Posted on February 18th, 2005