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Unsubstantiated Horseshit from Jane Tabloid

thehammer.ca's political gossip columnist

Jane Tabloid

Wow, that recess just flew by. The House is back in session, and all that juicy political gossip is flowing with it! It's so great hearing everyone yelling at one another again! It's like music to my ears!

 

 

Peter and Belinda! Ottawa's worst kept secret was confirmed recently by the Capital's newest and most attractive power couple! That sound you hear is this girl's heart breaking, now that Peter's off the market! I just hope I get invited to the wedding! I wonder what designer she'll use! Don't worry, I'm sure this one will work out, Belinda! I'm guessing she picks up the tab when they go out to dinner at Al's Steak House!

Conservative Leader Stephen Harper is tired of being demonized over his strong stance in defence of ?traditional' marriage. "It's not like I'm suggesting the gays should be jailed or anything," he told Sources Report. "I've even seen a couple of minutes of Queer as Folk while channel surfing. It's just that we have to make inroads into Quebec somehow, and Stockwell told me that strongly opposing gay marriage is the best way to do it. He's been there before, he knows what he's talking about."

At roughly the same time Conservative House Leader Harvey McScotch announced his resignation as house leader and impending departure from politics, LCBO outlets throughout the Ottawa area issued several layoffs. Coincidence?...

Rumour has it that the offshore oil deal that Paul Martin signed with Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams and Nova Scotia Premier John Hamm last week was sealed over pizza! Apparently, it took the three parties more than four hours to determine what toppings they could all agree on. The pizza was reportedly delivered to the negotiating parties by former Citizenship and Immigration Minister...ANONYMOUS. (Editor's note: There are a lot of lawsuits flying around from...ANONYMOUS. ?Nuff said). "ANONYMOUS has to moonlight now to make ends meet," according to a Liberal insider. "Big drop in salary."

I can't understand a word he says (in either official language), but of course, Gilles Duceppe and his gang of Bloc sourpusses are all worked up about something I couldn't possibly understand or care about this new session. Get with the times, guys. People don't care about "fiscal imbalance," whatever on earth that is. How about a good intra-caucus fight? That's what gets your picture above the fold and sells papers. Learn from the Liberals. And how about a smile, Gilles? You always look so constipated. You are so ?not hot.'

Sources tell me that Jean Chretien and Paul Martin don't like each other very much. Who knew?

Sometimes, I wonder about things. Is the NDP still a party? Is this Gomery thing still going on? And who's Gomery, anyway? Is he a new judge on Canadian Idol, or something? Why do I keep reading about him?

Usually I stick to the federal beat, but sources tell me that Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty was overheard haggling over the price of envelopes at a Grand and Toy outlet in his Ottawa South constituency. What do you care, Dalton? It's not your money!

Oh well, only two more days until the next eight-week recess! Better make the most of them!

Posted on February 8th, 2005


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