Harper Takes on Second, Third Wives in Support of Polygamy
|Stephen Harper welcomes wives number two and three to Stornaway|
Conservative leader Stephen Harper made a bold political statement last weekend by marrying two women in a simultaneous civil ceremony.
In addition to Laureen Harper, his wife of the past 10 years, the leader of the opposition is now married to 34-year-old legal secretary Elsa Longenhurden of Ottawa and 30-year-old Elaine Nabob of Pickle Lake, Ont.
Harper made his second and third marriages public yesterday at a press conference in Ottawa, where he introduced brides number two and three to the national media.
"They're quite the lookers, eh? And, much more low mileage than the first wife!" exclaimed Harper, who then winked and made the universally recognized 'click click' sound out of the corner of his mouth. "What a wedding night! I'm still recovering!
"One wife can't possibly fulfill all of my needs," he continued. "Plus, it's gonna be great having an extra couple of broads around the house to help Laureen with the cookin' and cleaning and looking after the kids and all that other woman stuff."
According to Harper, his first wife, Laureen, wasn't in attendance at the press conference because she was "back home, fixin' up dinner."
The timing of the Conservative boss's new marriages-coming just days after Harper raised polygamy as a side effect of the 'slippery slope' ramifications of legalizing gay marriage-left some reporters wondering if Harper's adoption of the polygamous lifestyle is a provocation to the federal government to legalize polygamy under the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
"Damn straight it's a challenge!" boasted Harper. "Come and get me, feds! If the gays can marry each other, why can't I shack up with a couple extra women? Huh? Why the hell not?"
The two new wives, ranked hierarchically as 'number two' (Longenhurden) and 'number three' (Nabob), have already settled into Stornaway, the official residence of the leader of the opposition, and assured reporters they both love their new man.
Longenhurden said she fell in love with Harper because of his tireless efforts to defend "traditional" marriage. "The way my Stevie has so eloquently explained the threat gay marriage poses to our great country, how can you not love that?" asked wife number two, a long-time Canadian Alliance and Conservative party activist who first met Harper at a swingers' convention.
|The threat of gay marriage is only starting to emerge
(Photo courtesy of samesexmarriage.ca)
"Imagine, gay people marrying. How abhorrent. That's not my Canada."
One brave reporter asked Nabob, a massage therapist, if the Leader of the Official Opposition was 'man' enough to...(shudder) satisfy three wives.
"Oh my God, yes," enthused wife number three. "It might not come across on TV, but my Stevie's a man of great...appetite. He can't get enough. The word 'insatiable' almost comes to mind."
"He's a raging inferno of passion, that Stephen is," confirmed Longenhurden. "I just hope I get first crack at big Stevie tonight!"
While it was suggested by some radical left-wing, bongo-playing chick reporter that polygamy is seen by many as extremely patriarchal and misogynistic, Harper brushed it off.
"A man having three wives isn't demeaning to women. Just because I rank them by number, we're still all equal. Me, Laureen, Elsa, and wife number three...what's her name again? We're all equal. As long as they agree with me, we're all equal."
Furthermore, he wouldn't rule out taking on more wives in the future.
"It depends how things work out. Once I'm Prime Minister, I'll probably need a couple more around, just to keep everything in order, and so I can have a couple of wives on call for all the traveling I'll be doing and all the dignitaries I'll be hosting."
While remarkably candid about his own affairs, Canada's newest bigamist refused to confirm rumours that Conservative Foreign Affairs critic, Stockwell Day (remember him?), will marry a donkey this weekend, in an effort to defy the nation's animal marriage laws and challenge the matter before the Supreme Court.
Posted on January 27th, 2005