4,000 Replacement Livers Arrive in Ottawa for Grey Cup Week

Surgeons are on liver replacement standby at every hospital within a 150-kilometre radius of Ottawa during Grey Cup week

A shipment of 4,000 livers collected from various organ donor banks across the country has arrived in Ottawa in preparation for this week's Grey Cup festivities.

"We're hoping these will last us the week," said Grey Cup 2004 Social Convenor Lyle Cirrhosis. "The Calgary contingent [of fans] alone has dibs on about 600 of them, but we still think we'll be OK."

Having enough replacement organs for the blown-out livers that inevitably occur every Grey Cup is the number one priority of any host city, according to Canadian Football League (CFL) spokesperson Angus Threedown.

"It's the first thing the league's board of governors asks a potential host city when they inquire about hosting the Grey Cup. Will you have enough livers on standby?" said Threedown, working on his 11th draft beer of the morning. "We don't want another Winnipeg on our hands."

Disaster hit the 1998 Grey Cup in Winnipeg when the city?s supply of replacement livers was completely depleted the night before the game, and organizers were forced to stop serving beer for more than 15 minutes.

Who's playin' this year? Ah, who cares?

"That was the worst day of my life," added Threedown.

Long known as the biggest party in the country, Grey Cup week, or the National Drunk, is a veritable orgy of binge drinking.

"Getting plastered off your ass is a long-running Grey Cup tradition," said Ottawa Mayor David Lee Chiarelli as he welcomed attendees at the annual Grey Cup Wild Turkey breakfast. "Welcome to...Hamilton. Hey, get off my lawn!"

Harvey Halibut from Edmonton has attended every Grey Cup since 1966, although he has yet to actually see an actual Grey Cup game. "I can never quite make it - there's always some vital organ that gives out before the big game."

Halibut plans his vacations around every Grey Cup week, and he says he wouldn't change it for the world. "From the time you get off the plane to the time you throw up in the artificial plants in your hotel lobby, Grey Cup week is one hell of a week!" he explained. "This year, I'm really gonna try to catch the opening face-off. You betcha. Now, where did that waitress go?"

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