Ontario to Make Helmets Mandatory

A private member's bill introduced in the provincial legislature will make protective helmets mandatory for all Ontarians. Bill 267, An Act to Make Sure Everyone's Always Wearing a Helmet, passed second reading today in the legislature, and was referred to committee for review and eventual rubber-stamping.

Backbench Liberal MPP Harry Wuddledump, who introduced the bill, said mandatory helmet usage for all Ontarians will save the province's health care system more than seven dollars each year.

"Ontarians fall victim to preventable head injuries on an all too frequent basis," said Wuddledump, wearing a Canadian Standards Association approved helmet as he spoke.

"Why, if I were wearing a helmet when I fell out of my bed last year, perhaps I wouldn't have suffered the brain damage that almost forced me to quit politics. Apple rhubarb turnip skin."

The proposed law will make helmets mandatory for all Ontarians engaged in sitting, walking, eating, driving, love-making, standing, breathing and pretty much anything else, according to Premier Dalton McGuinty, who has given the bill his unqualified support.

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"Goddamn mother fucking shit but I hate it when I see people walking around without their fucking helmets on," bellowed an unusually profane premier through his goalie mask. "Jesus fucking Christ, what is wrong with these fucking people? Don't they know a goddamn street car could hit them and knock them cold at any given second? In the sweet name of fuck, don't they care about being safe?"

While the mandatory helmet bill has received support from all three parties in the legislature, Bill 267 is not without its critics. Many have expressed concerns about provisions in the bill that would allow government officials to conduct random helmet searches on any residence in the province.

"We have no problem with people protecting their noggins," said Canadian Civil Liberties Association spokesperson Eleanor Penticton. "But we think that random searches of private residences at any hour of the day is not very nice. We're going to make a recommendation that inspectors phone ahead before raiding a house. It's much more polite."

SAFETY FIRST! "It's not like a helmet has to be unfashionable. You can colour coordinate your helmet depending on your outfit, or you can get it painted with a neat design."

Opponents have also suggested that penalties for violating the law seem excessive. As Bill 267 now stands, first-time offenders will have their houses repossessed, and repeat violators will be forced to pay down the provincial debt on the spot.

"We have to keep the people of Ontario safe. This is what we have to do to ensure compliance and institute a culture of safety in our province," said an unrepentant Irving Halitosis, Minister for Screwing You Over , the provincial ministry responsible for the bill's enforcement. "I mean, you can't have people running around and eating dinner without helmets on. What if a fish stick jumped up off your plate and whacked you in the forehead? It happened to me, and it's not pretty. I was off work for three months."

Torontonians (is there anyone else in Ontario who really matters?) seemed relatively unfazed when told about the new helmet law. "Well, I guess it'll be an adjustment, but it's probably for the best. The other day, an errant high stick flew up and caught me right under the eye when I was at the perfume counter at Shopper's Drug Mart," related publishing manager Sharon Bublinsky, who said she'll also be wearing a clear plastic visor with her helmet at all times. "And I won't have to worry about getting my hair done anymore."

Investment banker David McSedgewick, sporting a $3,000 dollar Hugo Boss suit with matching helmet from Brooks Brothers, said the law will have no impact on him. "I already wear a helmet all the time anyway. You never know when an asteroid could fall from the sky and render me unconscious."

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