Ontario to Make Helmets Mandatory
A private member's bill introduced in the provincial legislature will make protective
helmets mandatory for all Ontarians. Bill 267, An Act to Make Sure Everyone's
Always Wearing a Helmet, passed second reading today in the legislature, and was
referred to committee for review and eventual rubber-stamping.
Backbench Liberal MPP Harry Wuddledump, who introduced the bill, said mandatory
helmet usage for all Ontarians will save the province's health care system more
than seven dollars each year.
"Ontarians fall victim to preventable head injuries on an all too frequent
basis," said Wuddledump, wearing a Canadian Standards Association approved
helmet as he spoke.
"Why, if I were wearing a helmet when I fell out of my bed last year,
perhaps I wouldn't have suffered the brain damage that almost forced me to quit
politics. Apple rhubarb turnip skin."
The proposed law will make helmets mandatory for all Ontarians engaged in sitting,
walking, eating, driving, love-making, standing, breathing and pretty much anything
else, according to Premier Dalton McGuinty, who has given the bill his unqualified
|Campus life is a whole bunch safer|
"Goddamn mother fucking shit but I hate it when I see people walking around
without their fucking helmets on," bellowed an unusually profane premier
through his goalie mask. "Jesus fucking Christ, what is wrong with these
fucking people? Don't they know a goddamn street car could hit them and knock
them cold at any given second? In the sweet name of fuck, don't they care about
While the mandatory helmet bill has received support from all three parties
in the legislature, Bill 267 is not without its critics. Many have expressed
concerns about provisions in the bill that would allow government officials
to conduct random helmet searches on any residence in the province.
"We have no problem with people protecting their noggins," said Canadian
Civil Liberties Association spokesperson Eleanor Penticton. "But we think
that random searches of private residences at any hour of the day is not very
nice. We're going to make a recommendation that inspectors phone ahead before
raiding a house. It's much more polite."
|SAFETY FIRST! "It's not like a helmet has to be
unfashionable. You can colour coordinate your helmet depending on your outfit,
or you can get it painted with a neat design."|
Opponents have also suggested that penalties for violating the law seem excessive.
As Bill 267 now stands, first-time offenders will have their houses repossessed,
and repeat violators will be forced to pay down the provincial debt on the spot.
"We have to keep the people of Ontario safe. This is what we have to do
to ensure compliance and institute a culture of safety in our province,"
said an unrepentant Irving Halitosis, Minister for Screwing You Over , the provincial
ministry responsible for the bill's enforcement. "I mean, you can't have
people running around and eating dinner without helmets on. What if a fish stick
jumped up off your plate and whacked you in the forehead? It happened to me,
and it's not pretty. I was off work for three months."
Torontonians (is there anyone else in Ontario who really matters?) seemed relatively
unfazed when told about the new helmet law. "Well, I guess it'll be an
adjustment, but it's probably for the best. The other day, an errant high stick
flew up and caught me right under the eye when I was at the perfume counter
at Shopper's Drug Mart," related publishing manager Sharon Bublinsky, who
said she'll also be wearing a clear plastic visor with her helmet at all times.
"And I won't have to worry about getting my hair done anymore."
Investment banker David McSedgewick, sporting a $3,000 dollar Hugo Boss suit
with matching helmet from Brooks Brothers, said the law will have no impact
on him. "I already wear a helmet all the time anyway. You never know when
an asteroid could fall from the sky and render me unconscious."
Posted on November 8th, 2004