Canadian Humour, Satirical News and Hard-Hitting News.
Bringing you the best Canadian satire since 2001.

Canadian Satire, Humour and Hard-Hitting News View Headline Feed The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of, Trevor and David The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of, Trevor and David

God Formally Endorses Bush

God Formally Endorses Bush
"I'm also pulling for Philadelphia in the Super Bowl."

Just days before Americans go to the polls, the U.S. presidential election received a major shake-up today when God - the big guy in the sky - officially endorsed George W. Bush for president.

"In my opinion, there's no choice other than George," said the Lord during a press conference outside His heavenly condo. "Usually, I stay out of the partisan political fray - I haven't endorsed a political candidate since I supported Liz for the election of Queen of England back in 1952 - but I had to give dubya the credit he deserves for being such a loyal soldier."

In an interview on the Fox News Network's Hannity and Lackey last night, God further elaborated on why He chose to endorse Bush instead of his Democratic challenger Senator John Kerry, or even the prominent leftist and perennial election-ruiner Ralph Nader.

"Nothing personal against John, but if you look at George's record...well, let's not look at his record. But the thing that's most important is that he really, really, really believes in me. Really. He reminds people of it every 30 seconds. I like that."

In a candid interview, God also confirmed that, just as Bush has implied, it was He who chose Bush to be president. He also admitted to stopping the recount in Florida during the 2000 election, telling the president to run up the U.S. deficit to an unprecedented $834 kajillion to accommodate enormous tax cuts for the rich, and supporting the invasion of Iraq.

Approved Approved Approved
Hard evidence handed down by the Lord Himself

"That Iraq thing...George undertook all of that because I told him to. And look how great everything is there now. It's an unqualified success."

God also revealed that, as most people know, He and the president have a very close relationship. "I talk to George every night, and I tell him, 'Everything you're doing is 100 per cent bang on. Everything.' That's why he got flustered at that press conference back in the spring when that treasonous reporter asked him about any mistakes he's ever made. He hasn't. I mean, he's my representative on earth. Why would he make any mistakes?"

But does this mean that anyone who doesn't vote for Bush will be subjected to the damnation of eternal hellfire?

"No, this is just my own personal endorsement. My followers are free to vote as they wish. I don't want to tell them how to vote or anything. It's just a recommendation. I don't see it as that big a deal. The New York Times is endorsing Kerry, and I'm endorsing Bush. What's the difference?"

While Senator Kerry was busy rioting outside Fenway Park in his native Boston after the Red Sox World Series victory, a spokesperson for his campaign blamed Bush for the politicization of the Lord.

"The Bush administration has so bitterly polarized America, even God is apparently taking sides now. I think Karl Rove put God up to this," said Kerry campaign adviser Art Collins. He refused to speculate as to whether or not God should lose his tax-exempt status for His partisan announcement.

For his part, President Bush was elated about securing the God endorsement. "God and I have a very close personal relationship, and His official support should really help me next Tuesday. It reminds me of that passage in the bible know the one? About that Jesus guy...and the cross..."

Posted on October 29th, 2004

The Hammer - Canadian Satirical News, Stories and Hard-Hitting Headlines
©2004 Cancon10 Inc. [ Disclaimer and Privacy Notice ]
Content on this site is satirical and intended for mature audiences.