God Formally Endorses Bush
|"I'm also pulling for Philadelphia in the Super Bowl."|
Just days before Americans go to the polls, the U.S. presidential election
received a major shake-up today when God - the big guy in the sky - officially
endorsed George W. Bush for president.
"In my opinion, there's no choice other than George," said
the Lord during a press conference outside His heavenly condo. "Usually,
I stay out of the partisan political fray - I haven't endorsed a political
candidate since I supported Liz for the election of Queen of England back in
1952 - but I had to give dubya the credit he deserves for being such a loyal
In an interview on the Fox News Network's Hannity and Lackey last night,
God further elaborated on why He chose to endorse Bush instead of his Democratic
challenger Senator John Kerry, or even the prominent leftist and perennial election-ruiner
"Nothing personal against John, but if you look at George's record...well,
let's not look at his record. But the thing that's most important
is that he really, really, really believes in me. Really. He reminds people
of it every 30 seconds. I like that."
In a candid interview, God also confirmed that, just as Bush has implied, it
was He who chose Bush to be president. He also admitted to stopping the recount
in Florida during the 2000 election, telling the president to run up the U.S.
deficit to an unprecedented $834 kajillion to accommodate enormous tax cuts
for the rich, and supporting the invasion of Iraq.
|Hard evidence handed down by the Lord Himself|
"That Iraq thing...George undertook all of that because I told him
to. And look how great everything is there now. It's an unqualified success."
God also revealed that, as most people know, He and the president have a very
close relationship. "I talk to George every night, and I tell him, 'Everything
you're doing is 100 per cent bang on. Everything.' That's
why he got flustered at that press conference back in the spring when that treasonous
reporter asked him about any mistakes he's ever made. He hasn't.
I mean, he's my representative on earth. Why would he make any mistakes?"
But does this mean that anyone who doesn't vote for Bush will be subjected
to the damnation of eternal hellfire?
"No, this is just my own personal endorsement. My followers are free
to vote as they wish. I don't want to tell them how to vote or anything.
It's just a recommendation. I don't see it as that big a deal. The
New York Times is endorsing Kerry, and I'm endorsing Bush. What's
While Senator Kerry was busy rioting outside Fenway Park in his native Boston
after the Red Sox World Series victory, a spokesperson for his campaign blamed
Bush for the politicization of the Lord.
"The Bush administration has so bitterly polarized America, even God
is apparently taking sides now. I think Karl Rove put God up to this,"
said Kerry campaign adviser Art Collins. He refused to speculate as to whether
or not God should lose his tax-exempt status for His partisan announcement.
For his part, President Bush was elated about securing the God endorsement.
"God and I have a very close personal relationship, and His official support
should really help me next Tuesday. It reminds me of that passage in the bible
there...you know the one? About that Jesus guy...and the cross..."
Posted on October 29th, 2004