Klein Has Pickle Removed From Ass
Government sources confirmed today that Alberta Premier Ralph Klein underwent
surgery last weekend to have a five-inch dill pickle removed from his rectum.
While the premier’s office originally reported Mr. Klein had left the
Ottawa First Ministers' conference on health care last week to attend an oil
show in Lloydminster, rumours emerged late Sunday that he had in fact been admitted
to Edmonton's Royal Alexandra Hospital for a cucumectomy.
Dr. Bruce McGilliam, head of colorectal surgery at the Royal Alex, confirmed
the surgery had been a success, and the premier was expected to make a full
recovery. "It's a fairly routine procedure," said Dr. McGilliam. "He'll
be back reading his poorly-written university term papers in the Legislative
Assembly in no time."
Mr. Klein, who last smiled in 1977, had been on a waiting list for a cucumectomy
since the errant dill was discovered during a rectal examination last year.
"He could have gone to a private pickle removal clinic and had this done
more quickly and discreetly, but Premier Klein wanted to demonstrate his commitment
to the public system by waiting his turn," insisted a spokesperson for
Klein in Edmonton.
Sources have speculated that the pickle may have become lodged in the premier's
rectum as recently as 1995, when Klein received a 'Most Excellent International
Fiscal Performance' Award from the Razor Institute, a conservative think tank.
Manfred Twillsbottom III, head of Health Policy Research at the Institute, refused
to comment on his organization’s involvement in the pickle insertion. "However,
our data indicate that under a two-tier health care system, the Premier would
likely have had the pickle removed 28.9% sooner, with a 36% faster recovery
time, and 19.7% lower risk of complications," commented Twillsbottom.
Many political analysts, pundits and wags were eager to attribute Klein's noted
erratic behaviour to ‘the pickle.’
"Maybe that's why he threw a chair at me last month when I asked him a
routine question about budget expenditures," surmised Calgary Sun political
reporter Ken Bulbous."Who knows? Maybe Ralphie boy will be a little less...angry
Posted on September 21st, 2004