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Random Typings with Merv Jeacle

Random Typings with Merv Jeacle

Seems as though every time I write a column now, there's been some big changes that have just occurred here at thehammer world headquarters in the GSFA. (That's "Greater Smiths Falls Area" for those of you who aren't in the know.) If I'm counting right, this is the 83rd different format since I was recruited to write a column here...This part will probably get edited out by those loyal to him, but Mr. McGraw is so stressed out these days, he says he's "drinking for two," whatever that's supposed to mean...All I know is, it bodes well for me to stay clear of him-last time I was up in the office to see if there was any work for me, I said "good morning" to him, and he threw an ashtray at me...Then, he started yelling at the pigeons on the window sill ...I don't know if it's the right word, but I think he's a little "unstable"...I guess paying alimony to seven different women has finally got to him...or is it eight now? Has his divorce from Wendy Mesley gone through yet?

I've now decided to model my columns after the sports columnists in the Sun. Good writers, they are. Good paper, too...

Well, I still haven't won the lottery yet, so I gotta keep writing these columns to supplement my income. Not that I don't make a good living from my day job, I mean, the company looks after me all right...not to brag, but I am up to $9.05 an hour now...

When I was a boy, my grandfather's next-door neighbour was into dowsing. (As a matter of fact, he was the guy who found oil in Quebec...but that's another story.) Dowsing (or doodlebugging) is where someone holds a couple of sticks together, and when they come together of their own will while in the operators' hands, that indicates the presence of water in the ground...I reckon that I've been blessed with the same sort of skill with regards to picking a winning lottery ticket...

Guess I better start a new paragraph now...last one was getting kind of long. So, what I do is, I have the clerk down at the convenience store pull out the lottery tray on the counter, (have to let the tickets air out) and slowly, I place my hand over every ticket. When my hand starts to shake, I know it's the right one.

Sure, I haven't won the big prize yet, but I'm getting closer...I can feel it for sure. It's like any talent...it has to be developed...

By the way, I'm strictly a scratch and win man...I like the exercise you get from the scratching...6/49, that's the lazy man's lottery...won't play it...anybody can win that one...

And even though it's summer, there's still all of those events around the world, like that thing in Sudan...terrible what's going on there...I was supposed to go to Sudan as part of a class trip back in high school, actually...didn't go though...couldn't afford the bus ticket...

...or was that Sudbury? I always get those two mixed up....

I was trimming the weeds in the garden at my mother's place, and I came up with a Dr. Phil saying. Get this: "The tallest weeds get cut down first."

Pretty good, huh? Maybe I should send it into him.

Hey, maybe he'll even have me on my show!!! Hope I can get time off work! Maybe I'll have some fodder for my next column...I'll keep you posted...

Posted on August 26th, 2004


 

 

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