Canadian Humour, Satirical News and Hard-Hitting News.
Bringing you the best Canadian satire since 2001.
Advertise with TheHammer.ca for as low as $15 per month

Canadian Satire, Humour and Hard-Hitting News View theHammer.ca Headline Feed The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of TheHammer.ca, Trevor and David The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of TheHammer.ca, Trevor and David

Phish Stuns Fans at Conclusion of Final Show

Phish Stuns Fans at Conclusion of Final Show
Phish's final farewell... or is it?

All good jams must come to an end.

After 21 years together, Vermont 'jam band' Phish held a two-day farewell concert in remote Coventry, Vermont last weekend.

Despite zero radio airplay, Phish became internationally famous for their improvisational, transcendent concerts, their rabid, cult-like, certifiably insane legions of fans, and the staggeringly high drug consumption at their concerts.

Although plagued with logistical problems and a mud-soaked venue reminiscent of Woodstock, 70 000 fans, many of whom walked 800 miles just to get there, showed up for the group's farewell show.

And what a show it was!

After playing their final song, a stirring one-hour 39-minute rendition of the Curtain With, each band member gently placed his instrument down and gave an emotional final wave. Then, as the skies above opened and a brilliant white light surrounded the stage, band members Trey Anastasio, Jon (Fish) Fishman, Mike Gordon and Page McConnell ascended into the heavens.

"I overheard people talking about [singer] Trey 'going up above' or something like that, but I thought it was just stoner talk," said Burlington Quaint reporter Becky Noonan, who was covering the concert. "But then I looked up, and there they were... What an ultimate tribute."

"As the only person in attendance who wasn't on hallucinogenic drugs, I can confirm that this really did happen," said Noonan.

Gary Whatamigonnado-Withmylifenow, the recipient of 13 different restraining orders from the Anastasio family and President of the International Phellowship of Phishphanatics, has never missed a Phish concert in his life. He actually claims to have known the band's ascent into jam band heaven was coming.

"After extensively consulting my notes of setlists, band member sightings, and the number of times the words "fish" or "Bathtub Gin" were ever mentioned on the Simpsons, I was able to determine that the members of the band would indeed levitate skywards after their final show. Clearly, they had no more to accomplish in the mortal world."

Phish Fans
Although most fans were surprised, many knew the ascension was inevitable.

"It's all on my website, phreakPhishphanatics.com," insisted the Phish aficionado. "Although I thought it would have been Page, then Mike, then Fish. But Mike ascended heavenwards second, after Trey. Dammit! I should have known better...I guess I should get a job now."

Phish nut Jeff Nicu of Salem, Massachusetts witnessed the band's long strange trip as well. "I was going off to get a patchouli refill at the vendor's tent before the ride home, when I could have sworn I saw the dudes like, flying, but I figured I was hallucinating from the seven hits of acid. But then I read about it in the paper this morning, and, like, it really did happen. Whoa..."

Nicu feels that Phish's ascent into heaven is a positive omen.

"This means that Phish will live again, for sure, man. Like it says in the bible somewhere, you know, Trey will come back to earth to judge like, the quick and those who don't have a bootlegged cassette of the December 2, 1983 show at the University of Vermont Harris-Mills cafeteria...

"I smell a reunion. No wait, that's just my armpits."

Calls to both Phish's management as well as any of the major Christian denominations were not returned.

Posted on August 18th, 2004


Banner, 125x125px
 

 

The Hammer - Canadian Satirical News, Stories and Hard-Hitting Headlines
©2004 Cancon10 Inc. [ Disclaimer and Privacy Notice ]
Content on this site is satirical and intended for mature audiences.