Canadian Humour, Satirical News and Hard-Hitting News.
Bringing you the best Canadian satire since 2001.
Banner, 728x90px

Canadian Satire, Humour and Hard-Hitting News View theHammer.ca Headline Feed The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of TheHammer.ca, Trevor and David The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of TheHammer.ca, Trevor and David

Researchers Discover Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win Affective Disorder

Researchers Discover Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win Affective Disorder
"Maybe I don't wanna play again....."

Researchers at the University of New Brunswick have diagnosed a new disorder unique to Canada. Tentatively titled Rim Disorder, the condition has been known to afflict those unfortunate souls who are told to "please play again."

The affliction is named after the popular 'Roll up the rim to win' contest at Tim Hortons coffee shops, in which purchasers of coffee roll up the rim on their paper cup to see if they are the winner of a contest prize, which ranges from pocket lint to a new car.

According to Dr. Murray Poundcake, Director of the University of New Brunswick's School of Pointless Research, repeated rim-rolling losses have produced feelings of bitterness, isolation and persecution among test subjects.

"Being told to 'Please Play Again' over and over can provoke hopelessness in someone, especially when they see those around them prospering," said Dr. Poundcake. "If I weren't a cold, emotionless medical professional, I would almost feel the slightest degree of sympathy for the suffering these poor people must go through."

The only known cure to Rim Disorder is to roll up a victorious rim, or to get some semblance of a life.

Although she has yet to be formally diagnosed, Elaine Descoteaux of Truro, Nova Scotia, thinks she may have this condition.
"My friend Eleanor has won six donuts, four coffees, a couple of crullers, and I haven't won a damn thing," complained Descoteaux, a retired lion-tamer.

"And my granddaughter, the first, the VERY first cup of coffee she buys since they started up the contest this year, and she wins a Timbit! How's that fair?"

You have to roll that rim with confidence.
-Professional rim rolling coach Doug Dubrien, of Saint John, N.B.

Descoteaux said that she began to get concerned when she received a phone call from a friend for their ritual journey down to the local Hortons earlier this week: "She phoned me up to go for coffee and I didn't even want to go," said Descoteaux. It was just like, "why even bother? What's the point?"

Bob Townie of Campbellton, New Brunswick, can relate to the plight of Mrs. Descoteaux. Diagnosed with Skill Testing Question Syndrome five years ago, a condition in which contest winners incorrectly answer the obligatory 'skill-testing question,' Townie says that he has also exhibiting symptoms of Rim Disorder.

"It says ONE IN NINE will WIN! One in nine! I've bought 41 coffees this week, and aside from an uncontrollable twitch, I have nothing to show for it! How can that be? What kind of country do we live in?"

The aggrieved Townie said that repeated calls and grunts to Tim Hortons head office about his lack of rim-rolling luck have gone unreturned.

Tim Hortons
"OH, WHAT A SURPRISE, I DIDN'T WIN": Sufferers of 'Rim Disorder' meet at a support group in Moncton.

Diane Nickelbie, New Brunswick's provincial Minister responsible for upholding the provincial Tim Hortons purity laws of 1837, thinks that her province may be getting the shaft. Engaging in that fine Canadian political tradition of playing the regions against one another, Nickelbie is demanding equal roll up the rim to win prize distribution across the country.

Said the Minister: "We have more Tims (Hortons) per capita than any other province in confederation, and what thanks do we get? Please play again!"

Although she offered no proof to back this up, Nickelbie is convinced that Central Canada is getting all of the desirable rim bounty. "Obviously, Ontario is getting all of the good prizes, while we maritimers get the low-fat muffins."

The federal donut commissioner was unavailable for comment.

 

 

Posted on April 13th, 2003


The world's largest online marketplace for books
 

 

The Hammer - Canadian Satirical News, Stories and Hard-Hitting Headlines
©2004 Cancon10 Inc. [ Disclaimer and Privacy Notice ]
Content on this site is satirical and intended for mature audiences.