Canadian Humour, Satirical News and Hard-Hitting News.
Bringing you the best Canadian satire since 2001.
Banner, 728x90px

Canadian Satire, Humour and Hard-Hitting News View theHammer.ca Headline Feed The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of TheHammer.ca, Trevor and David The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of TheHammer.ca, Trevor and David

Lobby Lobby Lobbies for More Lobbies

Lobby Lobby Lobbies for More Lobbies
Canadian Association of Lobbiers for Lobbies (CALL) President Dick Vestibule addresses the media at an Ottawa press conference earlier today.

Unhappy with the present rate of lobby construction and lobby awareness in Canada, representatives from the Canadian lobby lobby have banded together to launch a new aggressive pro-lobby lobbying campaign.

At a press conference from the lobby of the National Press Gallery in Ottawa today, Ottawa lobbyist Dick Vestibule, President of the Canadian Association of Lobbiers for Lobbies (CALL), announced the 'More Lobbies Now!' initiative, a $25 million dollar program funded by private industry and the powerful, Belgian-based International Brotherhood of Lobby and Foyer Builders trade union.

"Right now, as I speak, millions of door-to-door encyclopaedia salesmen, canvassers for the Heart Foundation, Halloween trick-or-treaters and innocent little Girl Guides are being forced to wait outside in the cold while lobbyless homeowners search for change or candy," said Vestibule, to chants of "shame, shame!" from supportive crowd members in attendance.

"Why, there are good hard-working men in the lobbying trade who've had to resort to building decks, or even, God forbid, solariums, just to feed their families. That's not why they got into the business!

"I ask you, where do these wackos, who don't see the need for a lobby, keep their winter boots and hockey sticks today ? In the garage?"

According to CALL, the 'More Lobbies Now' campaign will feature full-page newspaper ads in major newspapers such as the Lloydminster International Journal of Coupons and the Pictou Picker, placing strongly-worded brochures on the front steps of lobbyless homes and office buildings, 'build your kid a lobby today' radio and television ads, and a new worldwide Lobby Internet portal.

Where are Canada's lobby- deprived apartment dwellers supposed to get their mail? In a snowbank
-Dick Vestibule

As part of the campaign, CALL is also calling for a federal 'lobby levy' on all new construction projects that would go towards lobby construction and promotion, along with more federal and provincial spending on lobbies, including funding for training of young apprentice lobby builders.

"The United States spends four times the amount we do per capita on lobbies," claimed Vestibule. "In order to stay competitive with our neighbours to the South, we must increase federal lobby funding.

"Is it a coincidence that Canada's productivity rate has declined in direct proportion with the drop-off in national lobby starts?" asked Vestibule. "Well, actually, it probably is, but.......argghhhhhh! More lobbies!" bellowed the powerful titan of lobbying as he repeatedly banged his chest.

"Really, what better way is there for the Prime Minister to cement his legacy than by commissioning a national lobby project?"

However, the lobby lobby's campaign will not be lobbying only elected officials, it will be targeting the average Canadian as well. "We want to speak directly to Joe and Jill Canadian, and convey to them how their quality of life can improve with the addition of a lobby," enthused Vestibule. "And if you already have a lobby, why not think about a second one, like a sub-lobby….sort of a lobby of a lobby.

"There's an exponential potential for growth with lobbies."

A CALL billboard in downtown Toronto that was erected yesterday, symbolically affixed to a lobby-free office building.

On hand for the press conference were two actors designed to look like real homeowners. 'Joe' and 'Jill' spoke of how their lives improved significantly after they added a lobby to their fictitious house.

"Some of the best times of my youth were when my mother used to throw me out into the lobby to play because she was nursing a wicked hangover and didn't want me around," recalled 'John.' "The lobby was my special hiding place."

"I wouldn't be the actor that I am today without our lobby."

"And the lobby is a great place to conduct secret business that you don't want your spouse or partner to find out about," added 'Jill.' "It's pretty hard to talk to your mistress on the phone in the kitchen, or the living room, when your wife is right there."

In an exclusive interview at the bus stop after his organization's press conference, Vestibule conceded that lobbies have slipped from public consciousness in Canada.

"Back in the 70's, during the salad days of lobby construction, there were more lobbies being built than you could shake a stick at in this country," said the prominent Ottawa power broker and senior partner in the firm of Whisper, Wink, Nudge and Back-Slap. "Everywhere you turned, there was a new lobby going up. Some places had five or six lobbies! And with Trudeau's Federal Corridor Initiative, there was so much coin flying around, if you weren't paying attention, you could lose an eye from an errant 50-cent piece.

"But, nowadays, things are so bad, they're not even putting lobbies in Doctor's offices half the time anymore-'Just wait at the counter?' Where's the dignity in that?"

According to Vestibule, it's not just lobby builders who are hurt by the downturn in lobby construction. There are also auxiliary industries, such as 'Welcome' doormat weavers and the "dozens" of Canadians who make their living selling vintage 80's golf and interior design magazines to dentist's offices who have seen their fortunes suffer in recent years.

"It's high time that there be a more concentrated lobby for lobbies that can lobby for the lobby industry in Canada," said Wally R. McQuinn, Executive Director of the Vancouver based Razor Institute, and a member of the Canadian Association of Lobbiers for Lobbies Lobby Lobby Advisory Committee.

"Sometimes I think this government is more concerned about comparatively insignificant things such as….the economy, national sovereignty, or that stupid Kyoto thing, than they are about the fate of our lobbies," groused McQuinn from the lobby of his Gastown condo complex. "Talk about having your priorities out of whack."

Posted on November 20th, 2002


Neil_Young-125x125
 

 
Ottawakiosk.com

The Hammer - Canadian Satirical News, Stories and Hard-Hitting Headlines
©2004 Cancon10 Inc. [ Disclaimer and Privacy Notice ]
Content on this site is satirical and intended for mature audiences.