Canadian Humour, Satirical News and Hard-Hitting News.
Bringing you the best Canadian satire since 2001.
Banner, 728x90px

Canadian Satire, Humour and Hard-Hitting News View theHammer.ca Headline Feed The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of TheHammer.ca, Trevor and David The Hammer PodCast - Great Canadian Satire and Conversations with the creator's of TheHammer.ca, Trevor and David

Poster Removed from Telephone Pole; Order Restored to Society

A poster has been removed from an Ottawa telephone poll, restoring order to the streets of the nation's capital and the rest of the nation.

"I am hereby ordering the removal of Marshall Law, as the tearing down of this wanton defacement of city property has negated the need for such strict measures," said Ottawa Mayor Robert Lee Roth in an emergency supper hour announcement to the nation.

Above, the poster that put our nation on the precipice of chaos-

City of Ottawa worker Geraldine Larose bravely removes said poster- Everything in Canada is perfect.

The poster in question, located at Bank Street and Fourth Avenue, advertises an obscure and largely ignored web site. Its presence caused armed hordes to riot, smashing windows, setting cars on fire and looting businesses in cities throughout the country.

However, with the poster's timely removal by city of Ottawa worker Geraldine Larose, all crime, lawlessness and accompanying activity of ill repute has been eliminated in Canada, according to law enforcement officials.

On top of this, all homelessness and poverty in Canada has also been eradicated with the city's destruction of this poster.

Finance Minister Paul Martin also indicated that as a result of this 8.5 by 11 inch poster's removal from said telephone pole, the national debt has disappeared.

Riot police in downtown Toronto prepare to do battle with angry mobs over the weekend, before the historic removal of the Bank and Fourth Avenue poster in Ottawa.

Prime Minister Jean Chrétien announced his retirement from politics, effective immediately, as "there is now absolutely nothing left for me to accomplish with the removal of this poster."

A joint statement issued by a coalition representing Canada's federal, provincial and municipal leaders explained that Canada has now achieved nirvana and government as we know it will cease to be. With the removal of four industrial strength staples, an orderly, peaceful society is now functioning smoothly without any necessity for the state's coercive powers:

"With the Fourth Avenue and Bank poster torn down, there is no longer any need for government in Canada," said the coalition, in a news release titled "Welcome to Utopia."

The Canadian dollar also skyrocketed from 65 cents to 1.06 U.S. in the course of an afternoon, with the Ottawa poster removal cited as the one and only reason for the dollar's staggering one-day jump.

Professor Jack Sterling of the University of Toronto's Faculty of Objectivity sees the removal of this poster as a significant achievement in Canadian history:

"This poster in question was clearly a threat to national security. It was solely responsible for a host of social, institutional and economic ills," explained the Professor.

Professor Sterling warned, however, that despite the hoopla surrounding the Fourth Avenue and Bank poster removal, now is not the time for complacency:

"There's a poster in the Byward Market (in downtown Ottawa) advertising a show by an area band at an Ottawa nightclub that is responsible for all of Canada's teenage pregnancies, cruelty against animals, domestic abuse and national unity problems," the professor pointed out.

"Once this poster has been removed, then and only then, will we truly be able to relax, sit back, and toast Ayn Rand. But now is the time for continued action against the evil of telephone pole postering and posterers."

Posted on August 24th, 2001


Banner, 125x125px
 

 

The Hammer - Canadian Satirical News, Stories and Hard-Hitting Headlines
©2004 Cancon10 Inc. [ Disclaimer and Privacy Notice ]
Content on this site is satirical and intended for mature audiences.