Poster Removed from Telephone Pole; Order Restored to Society
A poster has been removed from an Ottawa telephone poll, restoring order
to the streets of the nation's capital and the rest of the nation.
"I am hereby ordering the removal of Marshall Law, as the tearing down
of this wanton defacement of city property has negated the need for such strict
measures," said Ottawa Mayor Robert Lee Roth in an emergency supper hour
announcement to the nation.
The poster in question, located at Bank Street and Fourth Avenue, advertises
an obscure and largely ignored web site. Its presence caused armed hordes
to riot, smashing windows, setting cars on fire and looting businesses in
cities throughout the country.
However, with the poster's timely removal by city of Ottawa worker Geraldine
Larose, all crime, lawlessness and accompanying activity of ill repute has
been eliminated in Canada, according to law enforcement officials.
On top of this, all homelessness and poverty in Canada has also been eradicated
with the city's destruction of this poster.
Finance Minister Paul Martin also indicated that as a result of this 8.5
by 11 inch poster's removal from said telephone pole, the national debt has
Riot police in downtown Toronto prepare
to do battle with angry mobs over the weekend, before the historic removal
of the Bank and Fourth Avenue poster in Ottawa.
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien announced his retirement from politics,
effective immediately, as "there is now absolutely nothing left for me
to accomplish with the removal of this poster."
A joint statement issued by a coalition representing Canada's federal, provincial
and municipal leaders explained that Canada has now achieved nirvana and government
as we know it will cease to be. With the removal of four industrial strength
staples, an orderly, peaceful society is now functioning smoothly without
any necessity for the state's coercive powers:
"With the Fourth Avenue and Bank poster torn down, there is no longer
any need for government in Canada," said the coalition, in a news release
titled "Welcome to Utopia."
The Canadian dollar also skyrocketed from 65 cents to 1.06 U.S. in the course
of an afternoon, with the Ottawa poster removal cited as the one and only
reason for the dollar's staggering one-day jump.
Professor Jack Sterling of the University of Toronto's Faculty of Objectivity
sees the removal of this poster as a significant achievement in Canadian history:
"This poster in question was clearly a threat to national security.
It was solely responsible for a host of social, institutional and economic
ills," explained the Professor.
Professor Sterling warned, however, that despite the hoopla surrounding the
Fourth Avenue and Bank poster removal, now is not the time for complacency:
"There's a poster in the Byward Market (in downtown Ottawa) advertising
a show by an area band at an Ottawa nightclub that is responsible for all
of Canada's teenage pregnancies, cruelty against animals, domestic abuse and
national unity problems," the professor pointed out.
"Once this poster has been removed, then and only then, will we truly
be able to relax, sit back, and toast Ayn Rand. But now is the time for continued
action against the evil of telephone pole postering and posterers."
Posted on August 24th, 2001