Drink Like a Man
Dear Drink Like a Man:
My wife and I are having guests over this weekend, and we're uncertain what
to serve them with regards to post-dinner alcoholic beverages. For dinner,
we're serving chicken cordon bleu as the main course, so we're offering French
Rhone and Reisling (obviously) to accpmpany the main course, and Beaujolais
for after the meal, before the coffee. Where we're running into problems is
for the selection of the nightcaps. We were thinking of breaking from the
norm and serving up some Rum Daisies, or maybe White Russians, but we're afraid
that might be too "lowbrow" for our guests. You see, these people
are all respected pillars of the community and many of them are known throughout
the country for their successes in life. My question is, should we stick with
Chivas Regal or Grand Marnier to top off the evening, or should we experiment
with the less traditional fare? I'd hate to commit such a faux pas whilst
entertaining such luminous guests as bank directors, cabinet ministers, cultural
mavens and Supreme Court Justices.
-Roger in Rosedale
"Oh, I don't know what to serve, Strawberry Daiquiris or 300 year old
wine! Oh help me please, Mr. Booze advice columnist!!!!" Your limp-wristed
approach to entertainment is a recipe for boredom. If you wanna sit around
all night listening to some trained seal politician talk about his favourite
piece of legislation or constitutional reform, then by all means, do what
you described. But if you wanna have a good time, listen to me. First off,
if you're entertaining such blue-blooded guests, the key is to get them good
and plastered right off the bat. Have them drunk before they even sit down
to dinner and you'd be amazed not only with what you'll see, but with how
loose their lips get-These people are so used to being 'on' all the time,
that they just lose it after a couple of drinks, especially the old broads
who talk with the fake British accents. I bet they'll be wife swapping on
your dining room table before you even get to desert. Get yourself a couple
of Texas Mickeys of Wild Turkey, and make them take a couple of shots (tell
them you're offering it as congratulations for their latest play or symphony
or door stopper or whatever) before they've even taken their fox fur shawls
off. A couple more of those on an empty stomach, and well sir, then you've
got yourself a high society party.
My friends have been trying to turn me on to Guinness and similar heavy, dark-type
stouts over the past few weeks. No matter how many times I try it, it just
doesn't seem to be growing on me. To be honest, I find the stuff looks and
tastes like sludgy molasses. I think the main reason they're drinking it is
because now they can afford it, and they want to look trendy and upscale.
That's the only appeal I can see in Guinness, because it sure isn't for the
taste. What do you think?
-Vance in Edmonton
What is your problem? It's beer, isn't it? Next question
I'm starting to get a little bit concerned about my drinking, and I'm starting
to wonder if I should seek professional help. I don't feel like I have to
have a drink every night, but a cold beer after a hard day's work sure goes
down smooth. So much so, that every now and then I find myself drinking two
beers a night! Going back in my mind, I realized that I went through my last
12 pack in less than two weeks!!! Then, what really scared me was last Friday
night. I sat in front of the TV and watched the Jays game, like I do most
Friday evening in the summer. The game went into extra innings, and before
I went off to bed at 12:30, I counted four empties on the coffee table! Needless
to say, I had quite a hangover on Saturday morning when I rolled out of bed
at 8 o'clock. Should I be concerned about my alcohol consumption?
-Worried in Wawa
12 beers a week has you worried? About what? Christ, my 96-year old grandmother
still knocks back more than that even in the middle of a beer strike in the
dead of winter.
If you can remember how long it took you to go through a 12 (and if you can
remember back to what you did two weeks ago), then you sound like a freakin'
lady of Temperance to me. Frankly, I'd be more concerned about the fact that
you willingly sat through an entire Blue Jays game.
You see, 'Worried,' I'm
..not exactly sure what it is you're supposed
to be worried about. If I limit myself to four beers over the course of an
evening, I must have just had major surgery that morning. If I don't have
at least 8 or 9 beers in me by lunch time, then it must be the weekend. If
I'm conscious, I drink. Drink like a man, you goddamn teetotaler.
Make mine a triple, barkeep.......
Posted on August 24th, 2001