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Drink Like a Man

by Ed

Drink Like a Man

Dear Drink Like a Man:
My wife and I are having guests over this weekend, and we're uncertain what to serve them with regards to post-dinner alcoholic beverages. For dinner, we're serving chicken cordon bleu as the main course, so we're offering French Rhone and Reisling (obviously) to accpmpany the main course, and Beaujolais for after the meal, before the coffee. Where we're running into problems is for the selection of the nightcaps. We were thinking of breaking from the norm and serving up some Rum Daisies, or maybe White Russians, but we're afraid that might be too "lowbrow" for our guests. You see, these people are all respected pillars of the community and many of them are known throughout the country for their successes in life. My question is, should we stick with Chivas Regal or Grand Marnier to top off the evening, or should we experiment with the less traditional fare? I'd hate to commit such a faux pas whilst entertaining such luminous guests as bank directors, cabinet ministers, cultural mavens and Supreme Court Justices.

-Roger in Rosedale


"Oh, I don't know what to serve, Strawberry Daiquiris or 300 year old wine! Oh help me please, Mr. Booze advice columnist!!!!" Your limp-wristed approach to entertainment is a recipe for boredom. If you wanna sit around all night listening to some trained seal politician talk about his favourite piece of legislation or constitutional reform, then by all means, do what you described. But if you wanna have a good time, listen to me. First off, if you're entertaining such blue-blooded guests, the key is to get them good and plastered right off the bat. Have them drunk before they even sit down to dinner and you'd be amazed not only with what you'll see, but with how loose their lips get-These people are so used to being 'on' all the time, that they just lose it after a couple of drinks, especially the old broads who talk with the fake British accents. I bet they'll be wife swapping on your dining room table before you even get to desert. Get yourself a couple of Texas Mickeys of Wild Turkey, and make them take a couple of shots (tell them you're offering it as congratulations for their latest play or symphony or door stopper or whatever) before they've even taken their fox fur shawls off. A couple more of those on an empty stomach, and well sir, then you've got yourself a high society party.


Dear D.L.A.M.:
My friends have been trying to turn me on to Guinness and similar heavy, dark-type stouts over the past few weeks. No matter how many times I try it, it just doesn't seem to be growing on me. To be honest, I find the stuff looks and tastes like sludgy molasses. I think the main reason they're drinking it is because now they can afford it, and they want to look trendy and upscale. That's the only appeal I can see in Guinness, because it sure isn't for the taste. What do you think?

-Vance in Edmonton


What is your problem? It's beer, isn't it? Next question…..

Dear D.L.A.M.:
I'm starting to get a little bit concerned about my drinking, and I'm starting to wonder if I should seek professional help. I don't feel like I have to have a drink every night, but a cold beer after a hard day's work sure goes down smooth. So much so, that every now and then I find myself drinking two beers a night! Going back in my mind, I realized that I went through my last 12 pack in less than two weeks!!! Then, what really scared me was last Friday night. I sat in front of the TV and watched the Jays game, like I do most Friday evening in the summer. The game went into extra innings, and before I went off to bed at 12:30, I counted four empties on the coffee table! Needless to say, I had quite a hangover on Saturday morning when I rolled out of bed at 8 o'clock. Should I be concerned about my alcohol consumption?

-Worried in Wawa

12 beers a week has you worried? About what? Christ, my 96-year old grandmother still knocks back more than that even in the middle of a beer strike in the dead of winter.
If you can remember how long it took you to go through a 12 (and if you can remember back to what you did two weeks ago), then you sound like a freakin' lady of Temperance to me. Frankly, I'd be more concerned about the fact that you willingly sat through an entire Blue Jays game.

You see, 'Worried,' I'm…..not exactly sure what it is you're supposed to be worried about. If I limit myself to four beers over the course of an evening, I must have just had major surgery that morning. If I don't have at least 8 or 9 beers in me by lunch time, then it must be the weekend. If I'm conscious, I drink. Drink like a man, you goddamn teetotaler.

Make mine a triple, barkeep.......

Posted on August 24th, 2001

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