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Naked Man Unable to Find Work

30-year old naked man James Bretton of Montreal has been combing through want ads and pounding the pavement since graduating from a computer programming course at a private business college in the spring.

Unemployed naked man James Bretton of Montreal continues his seemingly vain search for gainful employment.

Despite his best efforts, Bretton has been unable to find work over the last six months.

In fact, the young man has become so desperate for work and a steady paycheck, he has given up on finding work in his field. He now spends his days roaming from one fast-food establishment to the next, hoping that one of them will take a chance on a naked man.

"I don't want to be a burden on society," said the unemployed naked man while stopping to look through the new postings at a Human Resources Development Canada job centre.

"I'm a giver, not a taker. I have an enviable C.V., I have tons of experience, I'm a hard worker, I have letters of reference…..I have lots to contribute."

Despite all his skills and his diverse background, Bretton doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

"Whether it's Harvey's, La Belle Province, Tim Horton's, no matter where I go-I walk in, résumés in hand, and before I even get the chance to ask for the manager or fill out an application form, it's always the same thing: Screams, shouts, old ladies fainting, calls to the police….doesn't matter where I am, they just won't give a guy a break," said Bretton, stopping to wipe the sweat from his brow, amongst other regions of his body, during a sweltering day in downtown Montreal.

"All you ever hear in the news is how these places are desperate for help, but before I even open the door, it seems as though everyone's already made up their mind about me. They all look at me like I'm from outer space or something."

Bretton is so desperate to find a job, he has used the remainder of his savings to hire an attorney to represent him in a discrimination suit against the 76 corporations and organizations where he has tried to apply for work-most of whom have refused to even accept his résumé.

Lawyer and activist Brent Galashnakov of the Alliance for the Domination of English in Quebec (ADEQ), who has been retained by Bretton, was unequivocal in his words:

"What we have here is yet another blatant example of discrimination against the English in Quebec. The French elites just will not be happy until every last English person in Quebec is run out of the province."

"Well, that's not going to happen. James wants to work. He is a real hero who's going to fight to the end until he is gainfully employed in this, the city of his birth," said a defiant Galashnakov, who refused to be photographed for this story, citing threats to his well-being from "radical elements at work in this city." (James Bretton was also advised by Galashnakov not to allow his face to be photographed for the same reason.)

AT LEAST MY FEET WON'T GET SO HOT ON THE PAVEMENT: Bretton interrupts the interview for this story to take a call. Alas, it was not a prospective employer, but merely the dry cleaners informing him that his socks were ready for pick-up.

Continued the fiery jurist: "If the only reason my client can't find work is because he's not pûr laine, well then that's a sick and xenophobic society in which we live. Maybe he oughta move to Toronto or Vancouver or somewhere, where he wouldn't be a problem anymore. I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you (Quebec) Premier Landry?"

His lawyer's theatrics aside, the sweaty naked man tried to downplay the political implications of his plight:

"Look, I'm no politician or anything. I appreciate what Brent and ADEQ are doing for me, like the letter writing campaign and the billboards, but I don't want to be looked upon as a martyr or a hero or whatever. I don't really follow politics and issues and stuff like that. I just wanna work, and I think Brent is the best guy to help me. His ad in the yellow pages was the biggest and I see him on TV all the time, so he must be a good lawyer."

"He told me that he will do whatever it takes to get me a job, even if we have to go to the Supreme Court."

Galashnakov, who last year set a Canadian record for being found in contempt of court 137 times, is confident in his client's chances. However, should the unthinkable occur and legal proceedings are unsuccessful, Bretton does have a contingency plan in place:

"I guess I'll just have to learn French."

Posted on August 10th, 2001

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