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Chinese Government Announces Moratorium on Jaywalking Executions During 2008 Olympics

One month after being named the host of the 2008 Summer Olympics, the Government of China has announced a ban on all executions for jaywalking and jaywalking-related offences for the duration of the Beijing Games.

A Chinese Police Officer inspects a Shanghai resident's walking papers.

"Out of respect for the brotherhood of mankind and the Olympic Spirit, there will be absolutely no people publicly shot in the back of the head for jaywalking for the full two and a half week duration of the Beijing games," said the Chinese Government's official news agency Xinhua.

Executions for jaywalking will continue unabated until the Olympics in seven years and will resume as part of the closing ceremonies of the 2008 Games.

Said Xinhua: "As promised, the awarding of the Olympics to Beijing has demonstrably contributed to the improvement of rights for all loyal members of the Communist Party."

"Long live the great and wonderful and superior Communist Party of China."

Those being held in Chinese prisons for jaywalking expressed gratitude towards "the benevolent and righteous Communist Party of China" for agreeing to halt jaywalking executions for a two and a half week span in 2008 in an official statement.

The fact that most if not all of the 186,000 people presently on death row in China for jaywalking will already be dead by 2008 was not mentioned in the government communiqué.

KEEP TO YOUR SIDE OF THE STREET: Adherents of the Wonderful and Magnificent and Omnipotent Chinese Communist Party respecfully obey China's stringent sidewalk usage regulations.

Zhu Chintao, who is scheduled to be shot in the back of the head at Communist Party Soccer Stadium in Qapqal tomorrow for jaywalking and distributing menus for his restaurant, said from his cell in Qapqal prison that he is very excited that Beijing has been awarded the 2008 Games, while also adding his unqualified praise for the "tremendous and all-knowing" Communist Party of China.

"It is truly a shame that I will not be around to witness those games. If only I had not disobeyed my Government and let down my countrymen with my morally bankrupt actions."

Reaction from the International Olympic Committee was positive. From I.O.C. headquarters in Zurich, outgoing I.O.C. President Juan Antonio Samaranch expressed extreme gratitude on behalf of the Olympic movement for the "compassionate, humanitarian and sponsor-friendly" decision of the Chinese government.

"In the name of the brotherhood of man, and in the name of……IBM, Coca-Cola…. ….Canon Photocopiers….." said President Samaranch, before dozing off to sleep, banging his head on the microphone placed before him.

In a related news release to trumpet the announcement, governmental spokesperson Jiang Li Ping told Xinhua: "Critics of Beijing's Olympic bid and those representing competing cities in the bid process said that our government's gross violations of human rights would continue with impunity after we were awarded the Olympics, and that getting the Olympics would do nothing to change human rights in China."

"Those people were right. Suckers."

Plans for Mr. Jiang's execution are underway.

Posted on August 10th, 2001


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