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Cool, Chilly Day We Had a Couple of Months Back Convinces President Bush that Global Warmin' is Nothing but a Hoax

Facing world-wide condemnation for pulling the United States out of the Kyoto Accord on Climate Change, for his desire to drill for oil in the environmentally sensitive Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska, as well as for his administration's perceived lack of concern for environmental issues in general, U. S. President George W. Bush interrupted his nine week vacation to offer conclusive evidence that "this whole global warmin' thing" is nothing more than a "load of malarkey" during an environmental media briefing from his 400,000 acre ranch in Austin, Texas.

NOT MY PROBLEM: U.S. President George W. Bush with Secretary of the Environment Hank "Tex" Wanker learnin' up the nation on the subject of "all of that global warmin' junk."

Flanked by area school children, the President began his address by reiterating his administration's dedication to "strong, fair, balanced en….viiiro…mental…," the President pointed to "irreputable scientific evidence," to set the record straight about global warmin':

"Now, see, all of these enviro-mentoligists and enemies of progress and what have you are crying henny penny, the sky is falling, it's the end of the world because of climatory change."

"On one hand, you've got the hysterics from these scare-mongers, and then on the other side, the right side, y'all have the truth," said President Bush, who clarified that he is on the right side.

To back up his "hypothemess," the most powerful man on earth regaled the media with a brief anecdote:

"Why, just a couple of months back there, for a stretch of two, maybe three days straight there, it was downright cool. It was crisp."

When pressed for more details about this alleged "cool, crisp" weather, the President spoke of a day he recalled quite clearly while vacationing at the Bush family compound in Kennebunkport, Maine:

"It was morning. Early in the morning. A strong morning. I….went out for a walk on this strong morning, and I remember saying to my wife (Laura), "it's pretty doggone cool out here."

President Bush could not recall the specific time of year this weather occurred, but estimated it wasn't long after his January 20 inauguration as President.

"Y'know, this might surprise some of you, but I've done some research on this, and I've discovered that there was in fact an inordinary amount of cool weather in both America and in other places that are not America over the past year," the President continued as a plague of locusts circled overhead in the 129 degree Fahrenheit Texas heat.

"In fact, my platinum-level campaign contributors….whoa, now hang on there, that's not the right term, wait a second……I mean, my scientific advisors have informed me that in some parts of the world right now, it's snowing. Snow. Now, you tell me. Would it be snowin' right now if all this global warmin' poppycock that all these sumo-scientists talk about was actually taking place?"

Bush's Secretary of the Environment, Hank "Tex" Wanker, who is by coincidence also the president of Dallas-based Wanker Oil Exploration, echoed Bush's sentiments:

"Ain't no such thing as global warmin'. Now let's all step out back to the barbecue pit for some ribs."

Ahhh Progress........The view from the President's Austin ranch.

Global warmin' has become a hot button issue in recent weeks. Much of North America continues to struggle through a stifling heat wave, with new temperature records being set on a daily basis and smog advisories becoming commonplace in major urban centres throughout the continent.

Although the President did concede that it was "hotter than a Texarkana skunk's behind"
throughout much of the United States at the present moment, he allayed concerns by predicting confidently that people need not worry, as "it'll get cooler again real soon."

"I mean look at Canada way up on top of the world up there-it's always cold up there. Let's take a look at the weather from the paper: Montreal: 36 degrees. 36 degrees? In the middle of summer!!! That's winter coat weather. Global warmin' my Texas ass."

Posted on August 10th, 2001

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