Cool, Chilly Day We Had a Couple of Months Back Convinces President Bush that Global Warmin' is Nothing but a Hoax
Facing world-wide condemnation for pulling the United States out of the Kyoto
Accord on Climate Change, for his desire to drill for oil in the environmentally
sensitive Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska, as well as for his administration's
perceived lack of concern for environmental issues in general, U. S. President
George W. Bush interrupted his nine week vacation to offer conclusive evidence
that "this whole global warmin' thing" is nothing more than a "load
of malarkey" during an environmental media briefing from his 400,000
acre ranch in Austin, Texas.
NOT MY PROBLEM: U.S.
President George W. Bush with Secretary of the Environment Hank "Tex"
Wanker learnin' up the nation on the subject of "all of that global
Flanked by area school children, the President began his address by reiterating
his administration's dedication to "strong, fair, balanced en
the President pointed to "irreputable scientific evidence," to set
the record straight about global warmin':
"Now, see, all of these enviro-mentoligists and enemies of progress
and what have you are crying henny penny, the sky is falling, it's the end
of the world because of climatory change."
"On one hand, you've got the hysterics from these scare-mongers, and
then on the other side, the right side, y'all have the truth," said President
Bush, who clarified that he is on the right side.
To back up his "hypothemess," the most powerful man on earth regaled
the media with a brief anecdote:
"Why, just a couple of months back there, for a stretch of two, maybe
three days straight there, it was downright cool. It was crisp."
When pressed for more details about this alleged "cool, crisp"
weather, the President spoke of a day he recalled quite clearly while vacationing
at the Bush family compound in Kennebunkport, Maine:
"It was morning. Early in the morning. A strong morning. I
out for a walk on this strong morning, and I remember saying to my wife (Laura),
"it's pretty doggone cool out here."
President Bush could not recall the specific time of year this weather occurred,
but estimated it wasn't long after his January 20 inauguration as President.
"Y'know, this might surprise some of you, but I've done some research
on this, and I've discovered that there was in fact an inordinary amount of
cool weather in both America and in other places that are not America over
the past year," the President continued as a plague of locusts circled
overhead in the 129 degree Fahrenheit Texas heat.
"In fact, my platinum-level campaign contributors
.whoa, now hang
on there, that's not the right term, wait a second
I mean, my scientific
advisors have informed me that in some parts of the world right now, it's
snowing. Snow. Now, you tell me. Would it be snowin' right now if all this
global warmin' poppycock that all these sumo-scientists talk about was actually
Bush's Secretary of the Environment, Hank "Tex" Wanker, who is
by coincidence also the president of Dallas-based Wanker Oil Exploration,
echoed Bush's sentiments:
"Ain't no such thing as global warmin'. Now let's all step out back
to the barbecue pit for some ribs."
view from the President's Austin ranch.
Global warmin' has become a hot button issue in recent weeks. Much of North
America continues to struggle through a stifling heat wave, with new temperature
records being set on a daily basis and smog advisories becoming commonplace
in major urban centres throughout the continent.
Although the President did concede that it was "hotter than a Texarkana
throughout much of the United States at the present moment, he allayed concerns
by predicting confidently that people need not worry, as "it'll get cooler
again real soon."
"I mean look at Canada way up on top of the world up there-it's always
cold up there. Let's take a look at the weather from the paper: Montreal:
36 degrees. 36 degrees? In the middle of summer!!! That's winter coat weather.
Global warmin' my Texas ass."
Posted on August 10th, 2001