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Nanaimo Announces Plans to Build World's Largest Bong

With the logging industry sluggish and visits from tourists to this city of 60 000 on the East coast of Vancouver Island at an all time low, Nanaimo Mayor Leonard Littleton has announced the largest public works project in the city's history. As a monument to the incredibly high tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) level of British Columbia marijuana and in an effort to bolster tourism, the city plans to build a 150-foot high bong on the Nanaimo waterfront.

A computer projection of how the Nanaimo 'superbong' will appear on the city's waterfront

When completed, the Nanaimo bong will be a full 90 feet higher than the 60-foot HjoodoenBong in Rotterdam, the Netherlands, currently the world's largest.

"Let's face it. Is there really any reason for someone to come to this town? Have you ever actually taken a look at this place?" the mayor asked rhetorically. "If I wasn't mayor, I sure as hell wouldn't be sticking around," said the mayor before being nudged firmly on the shoulder by one of his aides.

"Not only will this bong revitalize the harbour front of Nanaimo, it will provide a much-needed shot in the arm for our tourist industry, while also showcasing some of the mind-numbingly good marijuana cultivated on Vancouver Island."

The bong, a giant sealed chamber half-full of water appreciated by marijuana smokers for its clean and efficient delivery of marijuana smoke directly to the lungs, will be maintained, cleaned and sterilized by city workers. Mayor Littleton pointed out the mega bong project will create 20 permanent jobs, a positive development considering Nanaimo's 40 per cent unemployment rate.

"Over the past week, before we even made the official announcement, we have received over 400 applications for bong maintenance, bong construction, and especially, quality assurance testers," the mayor indicated, adding that tenders for marijuana growers wishing to supply the bong with high quality B. C. weed will be issued shortly.

A Nanaimo resident practices for his superbong marijuana 'quality assurance tester' job interview

Dubbed the "superbong" by the city's media, the structure will be visible from the B. C. mainland on a clear day, according to city officials. The project is slated for completion by next fall, just in time for the annual cannabis harvest.

Plans are also under way for an annual complementary "bong fest" on the Nanaimo harbourfront to be held every late August, which could pump millions of dollars into the Nanaimo economy.

Jean Collins, President of the Nanaimo Chamber of Commerce and a big backer of the project, addressed inquiries from the local alternative media on public usage and fees:

"A cost benefit analysis on the mega bong is being completed, but we are projecting a Toking Fee of four to five dollars. While this might sound like a lot of money for one toke, remember that this is one seriously big fucking bong. Even the most experienced of stoners can plan on getting majorly baked from just one haul on this puppy."

Collins trailed off adding, "if you think doing buckets is more than your lungs can handle, like, wow, man…….."

Representatives of the powerful Vancouver Island pothead lobby are said to be enthusiastic about the superbong project. Mark "Skippy" St.Onge of V.I.P. (Vancouver Island Potheads), who has been hired as a technical consultant on the initiative, called it the greatest thing ever to happen to Vancouver Island, while also pointing out that many of his acquaintances who haven't held a job in years have suddenly regained their willingness to work.

"It's high time British Columbia be recognized as the one of the best, if not the best marijuana producing regions on God's green earth, and I think the superbong will demonstrate to the world the indisputable quality of B. C. bud."

Added St. Onge, "I think this might also give the kids of Nanaimo a reason to stick around town for a while longer."

Posted on July 13th, 2001

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