Nanaimo Announces Plans to Build World's Largest Bong
With the logging industry sluggish and visits from tourists to
this city of 60 000 on the East coast of Vancouver Island at an
all time low, Nanaimo Mayor Leonard Littleton has announced the
largest public works project in the city's history. As a monument
to the incredibly high tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) level of British
Columbia marijuana and in an effort to bolster tourism, the city
plans to build a 150-foot high bong on the Nanaimo waterfront.
computer projection of how the Nanaimo 'superbong' will appear
on the city's waterfront
When completed, the Nanaimo bong will be a full 90 feet higher
than the 60-foot HjoodoenBong in Rotterdam, the Netherlands,
currently the world's largest.
"Let's face it. Is there really any reason for someone to
come to this town? Have you ever actually taken a look at this place?"
the mayor asked rhetorically. "If I wasn't mayor, I sure as
hell wouldn't be sticking around," said the mayor before being
nudged firmly on the shoulder by one of his aides.
"Not only will this bong revitalize the harbour front of Nanaimo,
it will provide a much-needed shot in the arm for our tourist industry,
while also showcasing some of the mind-numbingly good marijuana
cultivated on Vancouver Island."
The bong, a giant sealed chamber half-full of water appreciated
by marijuana smokers for its clean and efficient delivery of marijuana
smoke directly to the lungs, will be maintained, cleaned and sterilized
by city workers. Mayor Littleton pointed out the mega bong project
will create 20 permanent jobs, a positive development considering
Nanaimo's 40 per cent unemployment rate.
"Over the past week, before we even made the official announcement,
we have received over 400 applications for bong maintenance, bong
construction, and especially, quality assurance testers," the
mayor indicated, adding that tenders for marijuana growers wishing
to supply the bong with high quality B. C. weed will be issued shortly.
Nanaimo resident practices for his superbong marijuana 'quality
assurance tester' job interview
Dubbed the "superbong" by the city's media, the structure
will be visible from the B. C. mainland on a clear day, according
to city officials. The project is slated for completion by next
fall, just in time for the annual cannabis harvest.
Plans are also under way for an annual complementary "bong
fest" on the Nanaimo harbourfront to be held every late August,
which could pump millions of dollars into the Nanaimo economy.
Jean Collins, President of the Nanaimo Chamber of Commerce and
a big backer of the project, addressed inquiries from the local
alternative media on public usage and fees:
"A cost benefit analysis on the mega bong is being completed,
but we are projecting a Toking Fee of four to five dollars. While
this might sound like a lot of money for one toke, remember that
this is one seriously big fucking bong. Even the most experienced
of stoners can plan on getting majorly baked from just one haul
on this puppy."
Collins trailed off adding, "if you think doing buckets is
more than your lungs can handle, like, wow, man
Representatives of the powerful Vancouver Island pothead lobby
are said to be enthusiastic about the superbong project. Mark "Skippy"
St.Onge of V.I.P. (Vancouver Island Potheads), who has been hired
as a technical consultant on the initiative, called it the greatest
thing ever to happen to Vancouver Island, while also pointing out
that many of his acquaintances who haven't held a job in years have
suddenly regained their willingness to work.
"It's high time British Columbia be recognized as the one
of the best, if not the best marijuana producing regions on God's
green earth, and I think the superbong will demonstrate to the world
the indisputable quality of B. C. bud."
Added St. Onge, "I think this might also give the kids of
Nanaimo a reason to stick around town for a while longer."
Posted on July 13th, 2001