A Word from our Labrador City Bureau Chief
CTV's Goose Bay office is calling me repeatedly.
They're offering me their bureau chief position, along with company
car, free golf club membership, housing allowance
they must forget where I come from. All the lumber in Labrador couldn't
get me to stop for a cup of coffee in Happy Valley-Goose Bay-I don't
care what the offer is. I was born a Labrador City man, and I'll die
a Labrador City man.
If our Goose Bay correspondent (whom I haven't spoken with in three
years, ever since he threw up on my shoes at the publisher's Christmas
party) is too drunk to cover a story in Cartwright (don't even get
me started about those smug SOB's) and our shop gets stuck with
the assignment, I always make sure to take Highway 500's ring road
around Goose Bay, the 2500, so that the tires of my car will never
have to touch Goose Bay pavement.
Normally, I am the very model of compassion and tolerance. That
is, except when it comes to the Happy Valley-Goose Bay greater metropolitan
area, and the feeble excuses for humanity that choose to dwell there.
Thankfully, my 27 years of loyal, dedicated service with this publication
have given me the seniority to pick and choose what stories I cover.
I always send the cub reporter to cover anything in the cesspool
that is Goose Bay when their office closes down for "vacation"
(annual trip to detox) for the summer. The new reporter is from
Schefferville, so she doesn't seem to care much either way, although
I have to say that I think I'm winning her over to the Labrador
City side of the equation.
I know that you probably think it strange that the senior staff
member of this paper, being the erudite Eastern gentleman that he
is, could have such distaste for one particular region of our otherwise
beautiful quasi-province. Well, there's a history behind all of
The Labrador City-Goose Bay rivalry dates back for as long as anyone
in this part of the world can remember. Our parents fought their
parents, our grandparents broke hockey sticks over their grandparents'
heads, and on and on it goes. No one is exactly sure what the origins
of the inter-city hatred are, but historians believe it dates all
the way back to the 1500's. Archival documents indicate a fierce
and gory harpoon battle between Basque whalers situated in the two
towns in 1563, in a dispute believed to have started over who controlled
Labrador's thriving theatre industry.
Personally, I think it has to do with a difference in attitude
and outlook. Metro Happy Valley-Goose Bay has a big city feel that
turns off people like us, people from the Town of Labrador City.
Good honest, hard working folk who might not be flashy, but who
put food on the table, dammit. We aren't caught up in the rat race
of the workaday world like they are in the "Happy" Valley
area. Congestion, the smog, sitting in traffic day after day, it's
just not the Labrador City way of life.
We like living in a town where you can feel safe walking the streets
at night. A place where everyone knows everyone else. Oh sure, Goose
Bay has the high life, the fancy restaurants, the culture and the
glamour that comes with being Goose Bay, but they'll never have
the heart of a Western Labradorian.
Hatred for Goose Bay is something you're born with in this town,
and it'll always be that way, despite the efforts of those namby-pamby
feel good new-agers from St. John's who come over here with their
"public education" campaigns. They even set up an "Inter-City
Commission on Discussion and Dialogue." What a bunch of champagne
socialist nonsense. The only thing worth discussing with anyone
from that town (repeatedly typing the words 'Goose Bay' is getting
my dander up) is how to give them roundabout directions back to
where they came from.
I can only hope that the polar ice caps melt even more rapidly
than present, so that Goose Bay can wind up where it belongs. Under
water. I hope you hoity-toity Goose Bay goofuses are good swimmers.
Bring on global warming!!!
-Your Labrador CITY correspondent
Posted on July 13th, 2001