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Incestuous Canadian Television Industry to Add 11th Actor

Incestuous Canadian Television Industry to Add 11th Actor

TORONTO: A panel of executives representing the Canadian television industry announced yesterday that a new actor will be added, bringing the total number of actors working in Canadian television to 11.

Gwen Znaimer, a 27 year old Torontonian best known for her role as coffee server number #3 in the Toronto underground theatre production of The Rotting Grinds of Time, will be joining the cast of CBC's These Arms of Mine for next fall's season, announced CBC President Robert Rabinovitch.

Also in the works is a guest appearance on the Royal Canadian Air Farce.

"We are absolutely delighted to have an actress of Ms. Znaimer's talent come aboard and join our burgeoning, virile industry" said CITY TV founder/visionary/genius Moses Znaimer. "She joins such luminaries as Don McKellar, Ken Finkelman, Mary Walsh, Peter what's his name….and that chick from Riverdale….y'know with the humungous ya-yas and the bad dye job……" When asked if Ms. Znaimer is in any way related to him, Mr. Znaimer repeatedly slicked back his hair before responding, "I knew Marshall McLuhan."

However, with all of the work in Canadian television to be distributed amongst an additional member, those from within the group of 10, otherwise known by the somewhat cryptic nickname of 'the club,' were guarded if not less enthusiastic with the announcement.

"It's nice that we're taking someone else on, I guess," said Gordon Pinsent, reached by telephone in Quebec City, where he is filming a secretive sitcom pilot for Radio-Canada. But after a long pause, he tersely stated, "if she (Znaimer) cuts in on my voice-over work for Swiss Chalet or Jiffy Lube, I will be seriously pissed."

Izzy Asper, chairman of CanWest/Global, attempted to allay the concerns of 'the club' when the question was raised: "Business is booming. There is plenty of work to go around for everyone." Asper even speculated the possibility of adding a twelfth actor "in the not so distant future," adding that if this unprecedented growth continues unabated, he sees a day when the Canadian TV business could be approaching a level where "somewhere in the neighborhood" of 20 actors could be employed, much to the astonishment of the throngs of media in attendance.

Ms. Znaimer herself was not in attendance at the press conference, but via conference call in Los Angeles, she expressed excitement and gratitude with her addition to 'the club.' "This gives me a steady paycheck until something better comes along down here."

Posted on May 25th, 2001

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