During Election, 2004, Thehammer.ca guarantees you new polls every 34 seconds. The veracity of said polls, well, that's for the Supreme Court to decide. Because if there's one thing Canadians need this election campaign, it's more polls. Goddamnit, but we have to slake your nearly unslakeable thirst for polls.

For months now, we've been hearing about how "volatile" the Canadian electorate is. Oh, we are volatile. We are so volatile, us Canadian voter people. And angry. Full of piss and vinegar. With perhaps a bit of beer thrown in. That's what all of the pundits are saying.

But thehammer.ca wanted to know, is this true? What are Canadians really thinking on the eve of the "most important election in the history of the universe," in the words of the Prime Minister? Who would make the Best Prime Minister of Lesotho? Can Paul Martin eat a whole bag of Oreos in one sitting? How many Canadians think the Green Party is actually a gigantic ruse organized by the Liberals? These are the questions that need to be answered.

That's why we at thehammer.ca got together with the University of Smiths Falls and the Trenton Follower to produce this exhaustive joint poll. Our survey of 14 people, 11 of whom were named 'Dirk,' is accurate, well, never. But there might be a cheap laugh or two, so it meets our rigourous scientific standards. We could do more analysis, but the results of this poll speak for themselves. So now, without any further ado, this groundbreaking poll:

CANADA-LITHUANIA RELATIONS:

68 per cent of Canadians said they want the government to pursue closer relations with Lithuania. In Labrador, that figure goes up 72 per cent.
Conversely, only 31 per cent of Canadians support free trade with Liechtenstein.

HEALTH CARE:

54 per cent of Canadians think the nurses at the hospital are getting uglier and uglier all the time.
65 per cent of Canadians think the health care system needs more intergovernmental bitching about health care.
34 per cent of Canadians are opposed to private involvement in health care unless they get sick.
0.4 per cent of respondents think the health care system will get fixed for real after this election. No, honest. This time we mean it.

ALBERTANS:

62 per cent of Albertans think that 43 per cent of Ontarians think.
95 per cent of Albertans don't give two shits about politics right now because the Flames are in the Finals.

TAXES:

86 per cent of Canadian taxpayers have never heard of the Canadian Taxpayers Federation.
41 per cent of Saskatchewan residents think taxes are too high.

34 per cent of Manitobans think taxes are just right.
22 per cent of Ontarians think this porridge is too hot.
91 per cent of Canadians fail to see the relevance of incessant regional breakdowns in these opinion polls.

ANGRY ELECTORATE:

46 per cent of respondents said they were "very angry" with the government.
24 per cent of this 46 per cent said they "might" actually vote this election to make their voice heard.

DRUNK ELECTORATE:

94 per cent of Canadians reported themselves as "somewhat buzzed" at the time the poll was taken.
88 per cent of Canadians could really go for a slice of pizza.

PEOPLE WITH SIX TOES:

44 per cent of people with six toes think the NDP's electoral platform is "good."

WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE FACING THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW?

50%       Taking all of those empties back
31%       Getting Jack Layton to grow a fu manchu
12%       Ensuring Ben Mulroney never enters politics
7%       Those kids next door and their loud rap music

DO YOU PLAN TO VOTE THIS ELECTION?

30%       Sure, why not. Got nothing better to do. TV sucks on Mondays anyway…
28%       Depends if I've violated my parole by then and whether or not I'm back inside
22%       I only exercise my franchise for the Pepsi taste test
20%       Only if I don't have to wait in line

WHY DO YOU THINK CANADIANS ARE SO APATHETIC ABOUT POLITICS?

10%       Our antiquated electoral system
12%       Perceptions of government corruption
17%       Uninspiring leaders
61%       Relative lack of involvement of near-naked women or talentless pop singers

WHAT PARTY DO YOU PLAN TO SUPPORT THIS ELECTION?

32%       Liberal
31%       TEAM MARTIN
24%       Conservative
20%       NDP
13%       The Joe Clark Experience
11%       Bloc Québécois
6%       Cube New Brunswick
  (The arithmetic might be a bit off on this one-we used Conservative electoral platform math)

OK, NOW IT'S FIVE MINUTES LATER. NOW WHOM DO YOU PLAN TO SUPPORT?

33%       The Progressive Apathy Party
25%       That guy with the beard in the Canadian Tire commercials
20%       The ghost of John Diefenbaker
12%       Nick and Jessica
10%       Whoever promises to cut my lawn
(Now that's volatile!)

WHICH LEADER DO YOU TRUST MOST?

21%       The Dear Leader Paul Martin
15%       Stephen W. Harper
13%       Randy Jack Layton
6%       Gilles "Angryman" Duceppe
45%       Jarome Iginla

TO YOU, THE DECRIMINALIZATION OF GAY MARRIAGE REPRESENTS:

39%       The granting of a basic human right to a large segment of the population
30%       The takeover of Canada by 'the gays'
21%       The end of the traditional definition of marriage and thus a great excuse to finally leave your good-for-nothing husband

10%
      Even more stupid wedding gifts to buy

ARE YOU OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE FUTURE?

30%       Well, I just bought new shoes, so yeah, I guess
22%       There is no future
19%       If by "optimistic," you mean "not gonna stick hot forks in my eyes today," yes
8%       Only if Wendy Mesley finally requites my unrequited love
21%       Hell no. Without Brian Mulroney's bold and courageous stewardship, there's no hope

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE DIRECTION IN WHICH THE COUNTRY IS HEADED?

25%       Absolutely. Although it smells kinda funny in places
25%       I think it's getting too close to Ireland
25%       I think it's drifting too far to the centre
25%       No, not enough Rex Murphy

WHAT SHOULD THE FIREWALL AROUND ALBERTA BE MADE OF?

31%       Liberal Red Books, 1993 vintage
23%       Greenpeace members
18%       Unregistered guns
14%       Eastern bastards freezing in the dark
  14%       Rusted Out Chevys