Your Car Needs A Pelvic Flush

Kevin Negative-Option, Licensed Mechanic

Look Ms. Philips, I know you brought your car in to have the oil changed, but the thing is, we found a couple of other things while we were doing the job, and uh, we, we can't, by law, let you drive the car off of the premises until we do all of the changes I've outlined here on this sheet. It's for your own safety. If you'll just take a look, I'll go through some of these absolutely necessary repairs:

First of all, your front door on the driver's side had to be replaced. It was just about to fall off. I'm surprised you hadn't noticed. We went ahead and replaced it for you. It wasn't safe. It almost fell on one of our technicians. Sure, we can put the old door back on, but we'll have to charge you for labour. Wouldn't be worth it, in my opinion.

Yeah, the colour is a little off compared to the rest of the car, isn't it? For a couple of hundred bucks we can paint it for you. Not to worry.

We also replaced your tires. We tried to call you to authorize the purchase, but you weren't home. Yes, those are the most expensive ones we carry. Tires are the most important part of your car, so you can't cheap out on them. We knew you wouldn't have a problem with it. You just got new tires put on? Where did you go? Oh…there. Well, that explains it. Those guys put used tires on all the time and pass them off as new. Weren't even roadworthy. Good thing we caught them. I would go complain to them if I were you.

Brakes: Again, they were only 60,000 kilometers away from wearing out, so we went ahead and replaced the drums and the pads. Save you the trip from having to come back. Did I say tires are the most important part of the car? Actually, it's the brakes.

We do a shock and strut test here at the garage to see whether or not they need to be replaced. What we do is we take a three thousand pound grand piano and drop it on your car from a height of 50 feet, and if the shocks bounce more than three inches, they need to be replaced. Yours failed, so uh…well, they need to be replaced. And the hood. And the windshield, too.

We also need to replace your seats, as they're full of mould. Mouldy seats are a growing problem. Here's a pamphlet on it. You keep those seats in your car for another couple of months and you won't be able to breathe properly while you drive. You don't want that, do you? Gotta breath when you're driving. Or even worse, they'll just disintegrate on ya. You'll come out to the car in the morning, and the seats'll be gone. The mould eats the seats from within. There was a story on the news about it just a couple of weeks ago, did you not see it?

Your air conditioning has stopped working as well. It might have been when we took a sledgehammer to it. That'll have to be fixed.

Oh yeah, and you also need a new engine. It seized on us. Yep, it seized right as we had it up on the hoist. I know it seems strange that it seized while it wasn't running, but it happens a lot more than you think. All the time, I would even say.

And…jeez, I almost forgot, your mega block is in serious need of a fluid flush. Your carburetor will go kaput on you if you don't flush out your mega block every five thousand clicks or so. It's in your owner's manual. Preventive maintenance. Either you pay us a little now, or you pay us a lot later. Don't worry, a mega block fluid flush is nothing major-only a couple of hundred dollars. In relation to the rest of your bill, it's peanuts.

You just brought your car in for a checkup at Bob's Garage? Yeah, people come in here from that place all the time. You wouldn't believe the stuff those guys miss. Very unprofessional.

Talk to the manager? Sure thing. He's really busy, but I'll go get him, if you really insist. He's only gonna tell you the same thing I did. If it's any consolation, your car won't be needing any repairs whatsoever for the next six months until you bring it in for its next regular maintenance. It should be good as new. Maybe even better.

Oh yeah, and we changed the oil too.