VERBATIM: the transcript of Paul Martin's Meeting with President Bush

"Who is this guy, and what is he doing in my office?"

Although the six-minute lunchtime conversation between these two world leaders was supposed to be off the record, a reporter from the Renfrew Weekend News with the PM's media entourage came through for us. For the cost of a 2-4, we were able to get her official transcription of the amicable chat. Yet another journalistic coup for the hammer media empire. Therefore, we present to you this exclusive transcript of the conversation between PM and GWB:

Paul Martin: Mr. President, it's a great pleasure to meet with you today. (nervous giggle)

George W. Bush: Well, I'd like to thank you for dropping by to discuss your industry. Pheasant pluckers are strong people. They are very strong. Have to have strong fingers, to get those feathers out, of the pheasant.

PM: Ah, thank you, your excellence. Your benevolence. Your imperiousness. But, if I may point out, I think you have me mixed up with someone else? (nervous giggle) I'm uh…the Prime Minister of Canada. Your one o'clock?

GWB: Canada? Huh? And here I was thinking I was meeting someone important, like the President of the American Association of Pheasant Pluckers. Oh well, since you're here…

PM:…(nervous giggle)

GWB: So, uh, Canada, is that place up north, correct? Your roads paved yet?

PM: Yes, yes it is, Mr. President. And yes, yes they are. Most of them are.

GWB: Huh, and they say I don't know geology-tell me, Marty, what do people think of me up there in Ca..na..da?

PM: Oh, they ah, love you. They think you're terrific. Hell of a guy. They tell me all the time.

GWB: Well, that's good to hear. You seem to be a nicer guy than that last there fellar before you. Couldn't understand a word he said.

PM: Oh yes, he's a real wanker. (Nervous giggle)

GWB: You're not a big fan of his? Aren't y'all from the same party?

PM: Well, yes and no. You wanna know what I think of him? Let me put it this way. How you feel about Saddam Hussein-multiply that hatred by 10-that's what I think of him.

GWB: That's a Texas-sized amount of hate there, son.

PM: Mr. President, permission to confide?

GWB: Granted.

PM: I really do have to say, it's nice to get down here to Washington and relax for a couple of days. I've had a very nice trip so far. I went on a bus trip of Washington, and I got to see Lincoln's statue and everything.

GWB: A very strong statue.

PM: I'm so stressed. It seems as though my government has been more gaffe-prone than Patrick Lalime in a Game 7 these past few months. If it's not one thing, it's another.

GWB: I don't know what a 'Patrick Lalime' is, but I know what you're talking about. All the press down here, they're all over me now, saying I can't think with my feet and stuff. I can too. Think. With my…feet.

PM: You should see how many reporters have followed me down here for this visit. Canada-U.S. relations are such a big deal up in Canada.

GWB: Oh yeah, it's the same thing down here...

PM: It's funny, you know, you work so hard to get to this level, and…

GWB: (puzzled look of bewilderment)

PM: You get your people to take over the party and kick everyone else out once you get there, and then, you achieve your goal of becoming leader of your people, and suddenly all hell breaks loose. So much disloyalty…I wish Canadians would realize how lucky they are to have me as their leader.

GWB: (busily working on a word scramble)

PM: I just want to be loved.

GWB: uh-huh.

PM: And you ask yourself, "is it worth it? Is it really worth it?"

GWB: Are you still here? Take a look at this-do you see "watercress" anywhere in this here jumble of letters?

PM: (nervous giggle) Are you going to finish those Fritos?

GWB: Wha? Sorry Paul-your hour's almost up, I've got some Girl Guides, young people who are our nation's strongest cookie sellers, to meet with at twenty after. So, if you don't mind showing yourself out.

PM: Of course. (Nervous giggle) But before I leave, Mr. President, I'd just like to let you know that from the Grand Banks of Newfoundland, to the oil fields of Alberta, and all points in between...and to the West...and North...the people of Canada…they support you on…no, not that…uh…that…thing…there…I can think of something…just give me a second.

GWB: What did you say about oil?

PM: Huh? Oh, (very nervous giggle) nothing. Nothing.

GWB: Tell me more about these "oil fields of Alberta."

PM: Well, I've…I've already said too much, I think. Just disregard everything I said about Canada having oil.

GWB: You know, maybe I should go visit Canada. Just to say hi. What kind of production you guys got goin' up there?

PM: It gets awfully cold up there in the summer, you know.

GWB: Are your people oppressed? Do they need to be libahmerated?

PM: I guess it depends who you ask.

GWB: We should talk sometime soon. I got an election coming up, so me and my people are gonna be kinda busy makin' stuff up about that Kerry fella, but maybe afterwards-I might have a lot of time on my hands come winter time.

PM: Me too.

GWB: I answered every question! Didn't I do good, Dick?

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY, SITTING ON THE COUCH: Mission Accomplished, George.