Same-Sex Figure Skating Pair Lose Title, Win Hearts at World Championships

"THEY LOVE US! THEY REALLY LOVE US!": The same-sex figure skating pair of Paul Raffarin (L) and Bruce Ernpy (R) of Toronto ham it up for the crowd following their long program at the recent World Figure Skating Championships in Germany.

The same-sex pairs figure skating duo of Bruce Ernpy and Paul Raffarin of Toronto finished a disappointing 14th at the recent World Figure Skating Championships in Stuttgart, Germany.

"The American judge really hit us hard," said Ernpy after the couple's long-program. "Literally. And I didn't realize the Holy See had judges here. That must be something new.

"After I hurt my back in practice trying to pick Bruce up we seemed to struggle the rest of the week," explained Raffarin, 26. "Just between you and me, Bruce really needs to go on a diet before the Olympic trials."

Although the couple's skating has been described as inelegant (they fell a combined 22 times during their compulsory skate, and we lost count during their long program), they have become certified media darlings with their devil-may-care attitude, flamboyant outfits and million-dollar smiles.

"Technically, their skating was far from perfect, but the judging was tremendously harsh nonetheless," said CBC figure skating commentator Taylor Acerbic. "These two gentlemen have tremendous chutzpah, and anyone who doesn't realize that is an idiot."

While they may not have won on the judge's cards, the pair wound up as the story of the week. "The fans were so supportive and great!" said a beaming Ernpy, back in training in Toronto. "A couple of weeks from now, no one will remember who won, but everyone will remember us!"

This appears to be true indeed. While we know a lot of Canadians fell on their asses, we've forgotten who won already.

"Bruce and Paul just scream charisma," said sports marketing consultant Helen Nedorost of Vancouver. "They are money in the bank. The Anna Kournikova of figure skating."

The marks after Ernpy and Raffarin's World Champtionship long program indicates a wild variance in the judge's interpretation of their new approach to pairs figure skating.

Based upon their new-found notoriety, the couple has already signed lucrative endorsement deals with a large Japanese toothpaste company, a Swedish investment firm and a British sausage corporation. And more are in the works, according to the couple's agent, Duncan Earnscliffe.

"We plan to capitalize on this media exposure while the iron is hot," said Earnscliffe. "These boys are gonna be Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards big."

The couple attracted so much media attention, even US President Bush weighed in on the matter of same-sex pairs figure skating from the Whitehouse yesterday.

"Freedom-loving nations do not want to see two guys skating with one another. That is just…weird," said Bush.

"I will do whatever it takes, even if it costs hundreds of billions of dollars, to ensure same sex figure skaters never compete in America. I'm getting to work on the Constitution right now," promised the President, while adding, "I should have the anti-same-sex figure skating vote locked up now."

In fact, the couple's participation in the event was uncertain until hours before the championships began. The International Figure Skating Union had originally banned Ernpy and Raffarin from participating because, well, they're both men. Christian and conservative organizations also heavily lobbied the IFSU-a bastion of integrity and honour if there ever was one-to prevent the couple from competing.

However, a successful last-second court injunction filed by the Canadian Figure Skating Federation and a discreet, well-placed and lucrative bribe forced the IFSU to acquiesce, paving the way for their entry.

While the couple was well received among fans in the Schichlegrubber Arena in Stuttgart, several faith-based groups picketed outside the rink, opposed to the uniting of two men together in the pursuit of artistic pairs skating.

"I will never attend a figure skating event because of this. Not that I would have anyway, but it's the principle," said Concerned Canadian Christians Against Same-Sex Skaters (CCCASSS) spokesperson Hiram MacBurger, who flew to Germany from his Halifax home just to protest the pair of Ernpy and Raffarin's participation. "Two men skating with one another in choreographed unison is against God's will."

Despite all the controversy, the couple are undeterred, and vow to continue competing. "Some people might not like us because we're different, but really, we're thankful. The more those religious groups protest, the more money for us in endorsement deals," said Raffarin. "Just be sure you spell our name right on your placards!" added Ernpy.