The Dave McGraw Interview: Dave McGraw Interviews The Right Honourable Paul Martin, Prime Minister of Canada

Integrity. Trust. Honour. Valour. Dave McGraw has none of the above.

Yet somehow, he keeps getting our nation's movers, shakers and exotic dancers to open up to him. Is it his gentle demeanour? His reputation for journalistic excellence? His promise to go halfsies on pizza? Only he knows. And he won't tell us.

"IT'S THE OLD BOSS YOU SHOULD BE SPANKING": Dave gives the PM a playful spanking for all of that bad stuff goin' on there.

Late last week, everyone's favourite brother Dave pulled himself away from his Colecovision to interview Canada's 21st Prime Minister, from the Hammer World Headquarters in Smiths Falls. The following is a verbatim transcript of the conversation.

DAVE MCGRAW: Thanks Mr. Prime Minister for uh, comin' on out to the compound here.

PRIME MINISTER PAUL MARTIN: Not a problem. Actually, aside from the editorial board of the student newspaper at Sir Tommy Hunter Elementary School here in Smiths Falls, where I'm going this afternoon, you're the only media outlet in Canada that I haven't spoken with in the last month, so it was just a matter of time.

DM: I got a question for ya. How come my EI's run out?

PM the PM: First of all, I'd just like to remind all Canadians how angry I am. Look at how red my face is! And I'd like to thank Todd Bertuzzi for shifting the media's attention away from us over the past week. You know, you'd almost think he was a member of the party or something. Crazy place for politics, that B.C. As for your question, let me be perfectly clear about this.....(clears throat) Eeeeerrrriiiiiiiooooowoopwoopwoop....(the Prime Minister then made a bizarre noise, using his lips, his index finger and a kazoo, for 3 and a half minutes)

DM: Oh. I see. Obviously, the top of mind issue for Canadians over the last month or so is the federal sponsorship scandal...

PM:....Yes, I am very angry about that. Full of rage. Angrier than Lucien Bouchard with a dozen paper cuts. I would like to assure all Canadians that the parties responsible for this will be found out.

DM: Who? The people behind the questionable advertising contracts? Former Cabinet Ministers? Deputy Ministers? Pentecostal Ministers?

PM: No, the people who are criticizing me.

DM: Just one more question. Actually, I have a lot more than one question remaining, but that's a rhetorical device that they taught me at Carleton Journalism School. It's not like we want you to leave or anything, but there are those who have said that you're spending too much time talking to every reporter with two legs and a notepad about the Auditor General's Report. These people say that by mentioning the scandal at every opportunity, you're doing nothing but ex...ac....er....bating...exac....erbating... huh huh, I said...'erbating'....

PM: (CONTRIVED GRIMACE)

DM: How do you respond to this criticism?

PM: Well what am I supposed to do? I'm Paul freakin' Martin! Captain of industry. Leader of men. Cutter of budgets. I can't play dumb, like the other guy did.

DM: Chrétien?

PM: I'm sorry, I refuse to say his name out loud.

DM: But it is Chrétien you're talking about, right?

PM: ...could be.

DM: You know, all you have to do is say yes.

PM: Then I'd be acknowledging his existence.

DM: Do you not think that perhaps with some of your recent comments and some of your government's actions, you've pre-judged the culpibality of several members of the old guard?

PM: Like Who?

DM: I don't know...Alfonso Gagliano?

PM: Oh, that crook. I haven't prejudged him at all. History will vindicate me.

DM: You know, you sounded a lot like Brian Mulroney there.

PM: I know.

DM: Huh. Well, this is going better than I thought. Tough question time: the Quebec sponsorship file. When did you know, and how much did you know, when you knew what it was that you weren't supposed to know?

PM: Maybe I should change my mind on that whole 'playing dumb' thing.

DM: How could you not have not known?

PM: How could I have not not known?

DM: You were Finance Minister. Therefore, you're supposed to be omniscient.

PM: That's true. And omnipotent.

DM: Well then how could you have known...that you didn't know?

PM: What is it we're talking about?

DM: The sponsorship scandal.

PM: Right. Seeing that two minutes have passed since the last time I said it, I would once again like to point out how angry I am.

Lining up the lubrication (for talking. Just for talking.)

DM: Mr. Prime Minister, given that a new scandal of some sort seems to be popping up every day...

PM:.....every other day.

DM: My question being, will the federal election call be delayed until 2018? When are Canadians going to get the chance to not vote?

PM: Canadians should consider themselves lucky. It's not every day they get to vote for me. It's a privilege all Canadians should cherish.

DM: OK, but when's the election going to come? Canadians. Want. To. Know.

PM: Why do you reporters keep asking me that? Do you think that I'm suddenly going to give you an answer, after months of shucking and jiving the issue with Martinian precision?

DM: Uh, maybe.

PM: Fine. Tomorrow. The election will be held tomorrow.

DM: That doesn't leave me much time to get my 'All Hail Paul Martin, the Dear Leader - Paul Martin for Emperor' Lawn Sign out of my garage.

PM: I've got one right here. Take it.

DM: Mr. Prime Minister, you said you were going to address the 'democratic deficit.' You said you were going to do politics differently. You said that the previous regime was a gang of 'corrupt banditos...

PM:...No, I said 'corrupt bandits.'

DM: Uh huh. Yet you've been accused of putting an even higher premium on loyalty and partisanship than your predecessor. Is it true you make all of your ministers kiss your ring before every cabinet meeting?

PM: Yes. Except for the 'ring' part, yes.

DM: Why didn't you reach out to your Liberal leadership rivals, as per Canadian political tradition, as opposed to tossing them to the curb like yesterday's trash?

PM: Ha...rivals. I don't have rivals....rivals are people who actually have a shot at beating you. Look, I don't know why I'm getting painted as the ogre here. I offered John Manley a plum gig as a security guard on Parliament Hill. Good honest work, competitive salary and benefits package, but I guess it was beneath him. Not my fault he turned me down. I mean, Allan Rock took me up on my offer of receptionist for the Freshwater Fish Marketing Agency. 9 to 5 Monday to Friday, weekends off....

DM: Oh he doesn't count.

PM: Yeah, I suppose you're right.

DM: I'm going to say a name to you: Sheila Copps.

PM: God, not her again. Why can't she just leave me alone?

DM: She claims that her supporters were beaten, whipped and forced to jump on rusty nails and crawl through mud containing shards of broken glass and bloodthirsty poisonous snakes. Then there's the whole matter of the nomination vote.

PM: Democracy is messy. Very, very messy. Look at what it did to my dress shirt. And you know, if you listen to Ms. Copps, she'd also tell you that I'm responsible for the crucifixion, the Hindenburg disaster and the record amount of student debt in Canada.

DM: I'm not sure about the first two, but the last one....

PM:...Look, it's a local issue. Extraordinarily local. As local as it gets. I don't even know what city she's from.

DM: So, contrary to what she's claiming, you weren't behind the alleged dirty tricks of the Tony Valeri campaign?

Despite all of his responsibilities, when you get right down to it, the PM shows that he's just one of the boys...

PM: Hands off. None of my business. I'm just the Prime Minister of the country. No idea what's going on.

DM: But he's in your cabinet. Wouldn't it look bad if one of your Ministers....

PM:.....I didn't put him there. My advisors did all of that cabinet appointment stuff. Talk to them. My job is to play with Flat Mark. And do media interviews to tell everyone how mad I am.

DM: Mr. Martin, about your...former...yes, that's it, 'former' company, Canada Steamship Lines.....

PM:.....Sorry, I have to go now.

DM: But Mr. Prime Minister, the labour practices of....

PM:...Thanks for having me, and best of luck. I'm very angry, about all of this stuff....would you look at the time? I am so late. Time for my next interview. And check out my new autobiography, coming out shortly. It's called 'the Prince.' (At this point, the Prime Minister was gone before you could say 'Liberian Tanker.')

DM: Uh, thanks for...reading this far. There wasn't much left I was going to ask him anyway. Mainly questions about his favourite muffin recipes...see ya around. Next interview: The cast and crew of the dreadfully awful 80's CTV sit com Check it Out. Don't miss it!