The first group of French, Polish and Lithuanian peacekeepers arrived in major cities in Canada's Ontario province today, in an attempt to prevent further political bloodshed between supporters of the country's two most powerful political figures.

Supporters of the country's Dear Leader, Paul Martin, and the nation's former leader, known simply as 'the Chretien,' (KRETCH-yen) are very, very angry with one another. So much so, they may soon begin raising their voices. An elastic was even fired yesterday in Ottawa City, the nation's colonial capital, although that was later revealed to be unrelated. Unregistered lobbyists are also believed to be running around some of the nation's capital's more unruly neighbourhoods, talking loudly on their cellular phones about the power they now wield.

Citing these problems, along with allegations of electoral irregularities, cheatings and beatings during several bitter, nasty, unpleasant candidate nomination meetings in major centers, including the port city of Hamilton and the smug city of Toronto, the United Nations voted to send soldiers to Canada late last week, as the vast Northern nation known for ice hockey, ice cricket and electing polar bears to public office teeters on the brink of some...kind of like, abyss, or something.

"We need to bring back stability to Canada's political institutions," said UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, in a speech to the UN Security Council. "We must broker a lasting peace between the Dear Leader and the Chretien, in the name of global security."

Former Canadian leader The Chretien: has never been photographed.

Internal bickering within the country's ruling Parti Revolutionaire Liberal (PRL), who has ruled Canada with a Teflon fist for the entire duration of its 137 years of independence, with the exception of a six-week span in 1993 when they went on vacation, has been threatening the social peace in Canada for months now, according to Cambridge University Professor of Canadian Studies Dwight Toffeenose.

"Even though Martin served under the Chretien as Minister when the Chretien was supreme warlord of Canada, the two men and their respective supporters have long harboured a profound dislike for one another due to their fundamental differences," said Professor Toffeenose. "For example, Mr. Martin likes to wear black socks, while the Chretien traditionally preferred blue."

While the two camps appeared to have buried the hatchet since the transferal of power from the very old guard to the slightly less older guard at the PRL coup convention in November of last year, a damning audit released last month by the country's deified and saintly Auditor General reopened hostilities. The report documented irregularities in the awarding of lucrative federal flag-dispersal contracts by the the Chretien administration. According to the Chretien backers, the report has given Martin loyalists carte blanche to punish supporters of the Chretien with impunity.

CANADA: Now with electricity

"We are afraid to leave our houses," said Sheila Copps, a the Chretien backer and former Minister who was defeated in her attempt to represent her own electoral seat by her bitter cross-town rival Vlad the Valeri, Minister of Sucking Blood in the Dear Leader's new government. "The Dear Leader's people are engaging in a witch hunt. I have no evidence to back up my allegations, but I know it is true. The Dear Leader has cost me my seat. The Dear Leader has cost me my chauffeur-driven limousine. The Dear Leader has cost me my access to cheap haircuts on Parliament Hill. The persecution under which I am forced to live is unbearable."

Reports coming out of Ottawa City have indicated that pro-the Chretien activists are plotting ways to regain control of the PRL. This includes writing very firm open letters to major newspapers and appearing on television chat shows to defend themselves against what they see as shoddy treatment from the new guard.

In a radio address from his fortified compound in the lawless, remote wilds of Quebec province yesterday, the deposed warlord the Chretien called on his followers to utilize "peaceful resistance" against the current administration. He also insisted that he is still the leader of Canada. "I am still the leader of Canada," said the mysterious...man.

Among average members of the Canadian citizenry, however, the political turbulence and the resulting presence of foreign troops on the streets has been greeted with relative indifference.

"What's up with those (local ice hockey team) Senators, eh?" said Ernie Arnsbarger, a beaver pelt trader in Ottawa's open-air Byward Market, when asked for his thoughts on the presence of armed troops on the streets. "Why are all of these tanks rollin' around? Did we finally get invaded by the Yanks?"