A Statement from Todd Bertuzzi: "I only meant to sprain his neck"

I know a lot of people are mad at me right now. I don't blame them. I made a mistake, and I'm man enough to admit it. There's no place in hockey for what I did. Sometimes, in the heat of battle, and when I say "battle," I mean "professional hockey game played by millionaires," you do some stupid things. If there's anything I could do to take back what I did, I would do it. As long as I didn't have to y'know, do any work or talk to anyone or anything like that.

I didn't mean to hurt him. It was an accident. I accidentally wailed back and drove all of the force of my 250-pound frame into the side of his head. It could have happened to anyone. Really, I'm just as much a victim as he is, you could say.

In hindsight, I guess I would have just hit him in the side of the head, but then I would have skated away. Falling on top of what's his name's head with my forearm….y'know, the guy who hit Markus….was definitely over the line. For that, I am truly sorry.

But really, in the grand scheme of things, I think we need a little perspective here. If you were to look back over history, you'd see that what I did doesn't even rank in the top 1000 of all-time bad things. Even the top 10000. Mr. Burke, our General Manager, on top of being the smartest man who, like, ever lived, is also a history major. And he was telling me about all kinds of things that have happened in the last 500 years or so that were way, way worse than what I did to…buddy there. Number 36, I think. I mean, the crusades? Those were bad. The Salem Witchhunts? Those were stupid. And bad. Much more violent and unjust than that little 'incident' that I was involved in.

In comparison to the Bhutan Death March, hitting that guy upside the head pales in comparison. Totally.

That said, I have to own up for my actions and face the music. Sure, I thought my punishment was a bit harsh from the league - I mean, this is the NHL - I was expecting something more along the lines of a game, maybe even two. But nonetheless, I take full responsibility for what I've done.

I would like to point out, however, that this whole affair has hurt me too. It hurts me inside. Maybe even more than a broken neck. Just because I'm a big, tough hockey player with a contemptuous scowl permanently etched on my face and the temperament of a wounded rhinocerous doesn't mean I don't have feelings too. I feel pain, just like anyone else. If you prick me, I bleed. If you burn me, I….burn. If you blindside me with a vicious punch to the side of the head, I'd probably go down too.

I mean, it's gonna be tough playing all of that golf while my teammates are busy going down to defeat in the first round of the playoffs. Has anyone thought about that? Have you tried getting a tee time at any of the decent clubs this early in the year when everyone's eager to get out after the winter? Not to mention the 500 grand in salary I'm forfeiting - now I'll have to hold off on the new Ferrari I had my eye on and slum down to a Porsche….and so much for the solid gold detailing for the indoor pool. If there's one thing this has made me realize, it's that there are there are consequences for your actions-you attack a guy from behind and put him in the hospital with a broken neck, no gold-detailed swimming pool for you. And maybe that's the way it should be. I'm humble enough to admit that.

But - if I may be so bold - all this talk of criminal charges, now, come on here. Hang on a second. These comparisons to the Marty McSorley incident are absurd. This is totally different. Apples and oranges. Marty McSorley played for Boston - the visiting team! I play for….the guys with the whales on their shirts…..uh….Vancouver! We're the local heroes! My picture is on billboards! Kids have Todd Bertuzzi posters in their lockers! Women swoon over my Roman good looks and furrowed brow! You can't lay criminal charges against the star from the home team! That's preposterous!

I'm sure that once their investigation is concluded, the Vancouver Police, many of whose brave and loyal members I've undoubtedly brought out of their seats with an exciting game-winning goal, will realize that the courts should stay out of the affairs of the NHL. Unless you play for Boston. Or Colorado….maybe Edmonton.

Oh and uh, once again, I'm….uh, real sorry.