"Invisible Hand of Market Forces" Suspected in Beating of Calgary Man

A paranoid Garth Yeoman speaks with a friend about the attack

The Invisible Hand of Market Forces is wanted in connection with the beating of Calgary resident Garth Yeoman on Saturday evening. Yeoman, a 30-year-old book burner, was walking back to his car after having dinner with friends at a downtown restaurant when the Invisible Hand allegedly launched its unprovoked, and unseen, attack.

Generally understood as a benign natural phenomenon responsible for directing the selfish strivings of individuals towards the advancement of the public interest, the Invisible Hand of Market Forces rarely attacks individuals in such a direct fashion.

"I studied a bit of economics in university, but I don't remember anything about this," a battered and shaken Yeoman said Monday. "I needed six stitches to close the cut under my left eye. I think it [the Invisible Hand] had some kind of invisible knuckle-duster, or an invisible roll of quarters or something. Damn. I just hope it doesn't come back."

First described by Scottish philosopher and political economist Adam Smith in his 1776 book The Wealth of Nations, the Invisible Hand has long been a controversial figure, often feared and despised. But many argue that neo-liberal scholars have grossly misrepresented the Hand to justify unrestrained corporate size and power, leading to environmental degradation and ever-widening gaps between rich and poor.

"That bastard widened the gap between my front teeth, I can tell you that," Yeoman said angrily, shifting the ice pack on his forehead. "I think I got in at least one good shot, but it's hard to hit what you can't see."

Adam Smith's book The Wealth of Nations

Calgary Police are investigating the assault, but have admitted that the Invisible Hand of Market Forces will be difficult to locate. "First of all, there's the whole invisible thing, which makes getting a description very difficult," said Calgary Police Service Detective Gord Valerie. "Plus, there's its ability to move about freely across borders and even hemispheres with lightning quick speed. From research I've been able to do, apparently it'll be in a Brazilian slum one minute, and before you know it, it's in the Swiss Alps, sipping espresso in a moutaintop café."

In the Mexican border town of Ciudad Juarez, 16-year-old factory worker Manuela Velasquez sympathized with Yeoman's suffering. "I understand what Garth has been through. Because of the terrible Invisible Hand of Market Forces, I must assemble car parts in a maquiladora, 11 hours a day for 50 cents an hour. The other day I accidentally stepped in the stream of raw sewage that runs beside my shanty-town, and now I have some kind of infection. If I go to the bathroom more than once a day I can be fired. The Invisible Hand of Market Forces has hurt so many people; when will it be stopped?"

University of Northwest P.E.I. Economics professor Lance Sutherland tried to put a positive spin on the incident: "If one good thing can be said to have come from this terrible attack, it's that we have yet more conclusive proof of the existence of the Invisible Hand of Market Forces."

"Now maybe those freakin' Marxists from the Political Science faculty will finally shut the hell up," the professor added.