CBC "Concerned" About Cherry's On-Air Goat Sacrifice

The producers of CBC's Hockey Night in Canada are vowing to "look into" the puzzling and bizarre actions of hockey commentator Don Cherry during last weekend's installment of Coach's Corner.

Under recent fire for his comments about visor-wearing hockey players, the French, Europeans, and, well, just about everybody else except Doug Gilmour, Cherry upped the ante during Saturday night's Leafs-someone else telecast.

As the cameras began to roll, Cherry started off the popular installment by ripping open his heavily-starched dress shirt, revealing his left nipple to all of Canada, while shouting "beauty!"

"No French in that there nipple," he bellowed. "Pure Kingston boy here!"

Cherry then began to hit himself over the head repeatedly with a plastic mallet, all the while telling the nation's children "this is how they should do it."

As Coach's Corner co-host Ron MacLean tried to bring things under control and get the discussion onto hockey, Cherry delivered a swift but firm backhand to his supplicating partner's mouth, prompting a petulant MacLean to respond humbly "I'll be good, I'll be good." The controversial commentator then embarked on a series of ribald jokes and limericks about the sexual habits of Russian midgets.

MacLean tried to warn Cherry that he may get in trouble for his comments, so Cherry put him in a headlock and threw his long-time partner to the floor, shouting "they can't fire me - I'm Don F'N Cherry! I run this goddamn company! I am the king of Mesopotamia!"

With MacLean out of the way, 'Grapes' then began to lament the lack of street fights one sees nowadays, blaming it on the "sweetheart NDPers." After this, a man wearing a Swedish hockey jersey was brought into the studio by two burly men, who held him back while Cherry proceeded to kick him repeatedly in the testicles, all the while giving advice to "kids out there" as to how to do it right without hurting your foot.

Finally, Cherry sacrificed a goat on-air, as members from the Toronto chapter of the satanic Temple of Set shouted their encouragement.

MacLean was so shocked, he couldn't even get in one of his trademark horrible puns at the end of the segment.

"It's almost as if he's actually trying to get fired now," said Hope and Flail sports columnist Irving Jocksniffer, who witnessed the telecast. "I mean, when he dropped trow and mooned the country, that was one thing, but then when he started spreading mayonnaise all over the set in a pink tutu, that was kind of…weird."

Not just a man, a Canadian symbol

Questions have been asked regarding the seven-second delay that was recently instituted for Coach's Corner by the CBC, and why it was not utilized during Cherry's outburst(s).

"We didn't really find anything that objectionable with what Don was doing," said Coach's Corner producer and best boy key grip Dave Grapefruit. "That's just Don. That's why Canadians love him. He's the kind of guy who's not afraid to sacrifice goats. He sacrifices what regular people are afraid to sacrifice."

Reaction to Cherry's latest rantings and sacrificing among the Canadian public was mixed:

"All these people whining, it's just political correctness running rampant," claimed Dickie Goulash, dining at Don Cherry's restaurant in Mississauga. "You can't even kick a Swede in the nads on national television without the bleeding hearts getting all riled up. I mean, it's not like he sodomized a donkey or anything - then I would understand if people might be a little upset, but what the hell's all the fuss about?

"Grapes speaks his mind. And that makes everything he says absolutely 100 per cent accurate and excusable."

On the other side of the spectrum, Sharleen Nebulous, from the Canadian Association of People who Hit Themselves Over the Head with Plastic Mallets, (C.A.P.H.T.O.H.P.M.) expressed her outrage at Mr. Cherry. "We've been trying to teach the children of Canada how to properly hit themselves over the head with a plastic mallet for years now, and he throws it all out the window just like that with his irresponsible demonstration. He could have at least put a visor on. Thanks a lot, Mr. Cherry."

In the House of Commons, federal Heritage Minister Helen Cauliflower assured Canadians that she will be having a talk with the President of the CBC to remind him that Cherry should be using sharper knives for his sacrificing, as per CRTC regulations.

However, Bloc Quebecois MP and hockey critic Paul Passmoi-Larondelle praised Cherry when questioned about the commentator's apparent anti-French bias. "Are you kidding? Have you seen our polling numbers shoot up over the past couple of weeks? Keep it up, Don!

"He's the best thing that's happened to the sovereignty movement since Jean Chretien!"

Under pressure from a couple of whiny bunches of Frenchman do-gooders and goat's rights associations, CBC President Robert Rabinovitch issued a statement indicating that the corporation will definitely consider sanctioning Cherry for his latest actions. "We take this very seriously," said Rabinovitch, in a prepared statement. "We might have to fine Don 50 bucks or something. The time for a slap on the wrist is gone."