Mad Cow Mania!

Gov't Proposes Stringent New Labeling Program for Beef

"Now you'll know exactly what you're eating."

In the wake of the latest discovery of a cow afflicted with Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, more commonly known as Mad Cow disease, the federal department of agriculture has unveiled a new labeling program to "guarantee" the safety of Canadian beef.

Effective immediately, or, sometime before 2018, every package of Canadian beef sold in Canada as well as all beef from Canada produced for export will contain the name of the cow (or cows) you're consuming, complete with a colour photograph. A chart detailing the complete medical history of Bessie, including a record of what she was fed for the duration of her life, along with her complete veterinary records, will also be listed on the package.

"While testing one in every 150 million Canadian cows for B.S.E. (Mad Cow), which is the current practice, is also perfectly safe and appropriate, as long as I say the word 'science,' we're going one step beyond," said federal Agriculture Minister Donald Diddy.

As for initial concerns expressed by the meat packing industry regarding the potentially exorbitant cost of such an initiative, Minister Diddy was defiant. "There is no cost too high to ensure public confidence in the food supply. Actually, there is, but we haven't quite figured out what that is yet. My department is working on that."

Newest Mad Cow Scare Sends Man on Yet Another Series of Fast Food Nation Rants

Esasky yells at people walking by his house, his bible in hand....

Heavy media coverage of the latest discovery of Mad Cow disease has set off 31-year-old Nick Esasky of Edmonton on yet another series of tirades inspired by the best-selling book Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser, according to friends.

"Man, just when I thought he was done, all this stuff comes up," complained Esasky's girlfriend Dana Huburtise. "We'll never hear the end of this now. I just wish he could turn it off for just a couple of minutes, like when we're having sex.

"The thing is, I agree with everything he's saying, but it's like, enough....it's like dating Noam Chomsky or something."

Esasky, an unemployed graphic designer, is such an adherent of the book, he carries his dog-eared copy with him wherever he goes.

"It takes nothing to get him going - I won't even say the word 'char-broiled' around him at risk of setting him off," confirmed Joe Pablum, Esasky's next door neighbour. "Not that I regularly say 'char-broiled' in everyday conversation. Actually, I guess that's two words....

"Just to be safe, I don't say anything around him anymore."

Not all seem to be so put off, however, with what the angry young man has to say. "As a braintarian - an individual who eats only the brains of animals - I am very concerned with mad cow. I find what Nick is saying has enormous pertinence to my eating habits," said Heather Nabob, who plays chess with Esasky every Thursday. "If I actually had some willpower, I would think about making changes in my life."

Fast Food Nation, released in 2001, has been heralded as a masterpiece of muckraking journalism that exposes the fast food and meat packing industries' ruthless pursuit of profit at all costs.

As for Esasky himself, well, he doesn't want to say he told you so about the discovery of Mad Cow, but…

"Did you know how easily bacteria is spread due to the practices of the meat packing industry?" Esasky asked nobody in particular. "Or how meat industry lobbyists in the United States have convinced elected officials that it's perfectly all right to sell people tainted beef, and lawmakers are powerless to stop it? It's all right in here - I can show you," he said as he pointed at the book so hard he hurt his finger.

"This book has changed my life," he admitted, as he bit down into a burger in his kitchen. "It's given me something new to yell about all day."

U.S. Congressman Demands Halt to Rampaging Herds of Mad Canadian Cows Storming Across Border

Canadian cows wait in line to cross the border into the US at the Fort Erie-Buffalo border crossing.

The "porous" Canada-U.S. border has permitted tens of thousands of "mad Canadian cows" to sneak into the United States, according to Montana Congressman Rusty Stringtie.

"Every night, hundreds of deranged Canadian cows, laden with disease, are stampeding into our country across the…border of whatever Canadian state is over there," said the Congressman from his Billings constituency office yesterday, pointing in the general direction of Canada.

"These mad Canadian cows are coming into the United States with impunity - they cannot be contained. We must beef up our border security against these rampaging herds, who are hellbent on destroying everything in their path."

The Congressman bristled visibly when it was pointed out that only two cows with the disease have been identified in all of North America, up to this point.

"Hello! Hello? Do you read the papers? Canada is clearly rampant with mad cows - facts are facts. All I care about is the safety of the food that the people of Montana eat," said Stringtie, who has never received tens of millions of dollars in campaign donations from various fast food companies in recent years.

John Erstwhile, Stringtie's opponent in the November Congressional elections, accused Stringtie of playing politics. "Although, I guess that makes sense, seeing that he's a politician," sighed Erstwhile. "I really don't want to win. Washington's so far away."

The no-nonsense Congressman said that if the Canadian government doesn't crack down on its "out-of-control" mad cow problem, he'll have no choice but to introduce legislation calling for mandatory photographing and hoof-printing of all Canadian cows entering the United States.

Congressman Stringtie achieved a certain degree of notoriety back in 1986 when, while campaigning for his first congressional race, he called for an embargo on Canadian weather fronts.

He won in a landslide, and has represented Montana in Congress ever since.