Mars Spirit Rover

I still remember the ad in the paper, word for word: "Wanted," it said, "one robot vehicle-type thingy for exciting space mission. See the universe."

Being fresh out of school and in desperate need of money, I jumped at the chance. I figured it would be a great way to get my face on TV.

I didn't listen to my mother - nobody does at my age - but she was right. She warned me: "Be careful what you're getting into," she said. "Mars is a long piece away." I knew it was far, but not 113 million miles far.

Forget about what you're reading in the paper about this "momentous exploration." Real easy to say from your comfy chair back at mission control. Do you really want to know what Mars is like? The best way I can describe it is if hell ever did freeze over, it would look something like Mars. Actually, it's kind of how my high school geography teacher described Canada. Flat…barren…no people....cold....oh, is it cold. It's colder than a Saskatchewan Senator. It's colder than a contestant on that Donald Trump reality show (which, by the way, I'm missing). "Seasonal temperatures" my ass…

There is absolutely nothing here. Nothing but rocks. If you're into rocks, yeah, it's the most spellbinding place in the universe, but really, this whole damn planet is about as exciting as Omaha on a Monday night. Back when I was still able to move with any mobility at all, I would pray that I would discover a bar or a racetrack or even a movie theater at the bottom of some crater. It wouldn't be so interminable here if there were at least somewhere to get a nice mixed drink or a bite to eat - forget about life on Mars, how about a little nightlife on Mars?

That memory problem that I had? It wasn't because of my flash RAM, whatever the hell that is, it was because I got into the mickey of vodka that I hid under my wheelbase over the weekend. It was the only way I could deal with the crippling boredom. I mean, not that life was a picnic before I broke down - then I would just get ordered around like some kind of brainless automaton by the long foreheads all day long while they probably sat back secretly laughing at me, sipping cognac and smoking Cuban cigars...."look at that stupid buggy! Let's make him spin around in circles till he gets dizzy!" Bastards.

No, you won't read any such complaints on my partner Rover Opportunity's blog. He's the golden boy now. Nothing but how wonderful everything is on his page and how much "fun" he's having. "Look at all of these wonderful pictures! I'm so big! Everyone loves me!" That little glory seeker....

All you hear is "interplanetary hole in one" this and "Holy Grail for geologists!" that when it comes to that little jerkwad…where was such hyperbole when I was top dog here before he showed up? He makes the cover of Newsweek, I get stuck in some crater. I wish that little prick was on my side of the planet so I could give that glorified golf cart a punch in the face.

I'll probably be unable ever to live a normal life once I get back to earth (-if I ever get back to earth - the NASA people always seem to change the subject when I bring that topic up-) The geniuses that sent me here "don't know if I'll ever be able to return to normal functions" Geez, thanks a lot. Wonderful. Terrific. Not only am I sitting here immobile as a bump on the Adirondack rock, but I'm gonna be a vegetable for the remainder of my days in all likelihood. Boy, what a trip this has been. Can I do it again next winter? Give me Key West any day of the week over this.

Oh, but we're supposed to get all excited because there's evidence that amoebas or something could be sustained - wow, nerds the world over must be rejoicing at that. Whoo....the possibility that microscopic organisms once lived on this hellhole is almost enough to...to....oh, I can't even feign it.

If that dude from the Bugs Bunny cartoon showed up or something, you know, the "Q-31 space modulator" guy with the brush on his head and that funny voice, now that would be cool. Maybe he'll come along if I stick around long enough....what day is it today, Tuesday? Like it matters....