Curling season is in full swing! To help our readers who engage in this pointless national pastime get their games in shape, as well as those who've come here thinking that it's actually a curling-related web site, here are some tips, as compiled by Duncan McGraw, curling editor and author of the best-selling How To Avoid Tripping Over Your Opponent's Rocks After 13 Beers:

-If your throwing hand begins to get tired by the 7th or 8th end, try drinking with your other hand.

-Sweeping is absolutely pointless. Stop listening to your skip. He's been fooling you for years.

-Weight training for curlers: What are you, stupid? It's curling.

-So you weren't a good hockey player as a kid. You took up curling. Well, who's laughing now? Actually, it's still them.

-If your rock isn't going to the right spot, yell at it louder. That will make it do what you want.

-To make things more interesting, give your opponents a good "face-washing" after the whistle.

-And curse liberally.

-And just throw the GD rock, already! Some of us have to work tomorrow!

-Should you ever get good enough that you find yourself competing in a match televised nationally on the CBC, before every shot, be sure to discuss each of the implications with your teammates for at least 20 minutes.

-Beware of curling groupies. They ruined Ed Werenich.

-Humidity, air flow, temperature, water type, scraping patterns and pebbling density are all things that are essential to consider when making curling ice. Remember this next time you're trying to pick up at the brier patch. Talking about ice-making drives the ladies crazy.

-Not curling with much accuracy? There's nothing in the rules stating that you can't try throwing the rock down the ice shot-put style. (Not recommended for those with back problems)

-Remember, Canadians are the best damn curlers in the world. Boy, that's something to be proud of.

-You lost. Who cares? You're not here to win! You're here to get loaded! Doubles all around! Remember, the more you drink, the bigger the circle looks!