Dave McGraw Interviews Belinda Stronach

Obviously due to her business acumen, (she beat out a field of thousands to become the CEO of Magna) her intelligence, and her political talent, and most certainly not because of her physical appearance, Belinda Stronach, daughter of rich guy Frank Stronach, has received bucket loads of fawning media attention lo these past couple of weeks. As the sexiest woman to enter Canadian politics since Elinor Caplan, the buzz surrounding Ms. Stronach is like a thousand bees' nests all, like, buzzing…at the same time. Yeah.

Belinda hams it up with Dave, proving that she's a good sport, and thus, definitely fit to govern....

Yet even though she has formally declared her candidacy, and despite all of the cheesecake 'Blonde Ambition' photo spreads in the Toronto Sun, little is known about Ms. Stronach the person. This is why she agreed to sit down with our very own Dave McGraw for an exclusive interview at our Smiths Falls headquarters. We here at thehammer.ca are pleased that of all the media outlets out there to who she could have given her first real interview, she chose us - not because of our appallingly weak grasp of political affairs and our softball questions, but clearly due to our reputation as a bastion of even more fair and balanced reporting than Fox News. And our kick-ass catering spreads. You should see the cold cut tray we got.….I mean, as if the CBC could afford real provolone….

Thus we present to you, the woman who will battle to be Canada's next Leader of the Opposition, Belinda Stronach, matching wits with our very own Dave McGraw:

Dave McGraw: Belinda, we appreciate you taking the time to talk with us.

Belinda Stronach: Please, call me Ms. Stronach.

DM: OK.

BS: I would like to thank you for giving me this forum, and…for….allowing me…to set…up…my…teleprompter….end.

DM: Not a problem. I have to use one myself just to order at McDonald's for God's sake.

BS: Does your site really get an average of 350,000 visits per day?

DM: Ah, sure. It…sure does.

BS: Wow! This will be a great way to get my message out!

DM: Oh yeah, absolutely…Ah, hang on a second here, let me check the list of questions that my… researcher prepared for me….so hang on a second….uhm (after Ms. Stronach left to get a coffee and subsequently returned, Mr. McGraw was then ready.) Ms. Stronach, how do you feel?

BS: I feel confident. Confident and eager to crush my less-wealthy opposition. Just there - the time it took me to say that - I just made enough to buy Scotland.

DM: I'm glad you brought that up.

BS: Yes?

Canada's most respected investigative reporter grills the aspiring politician.

DM: Yes, I sure am.….

BS: What's…..your question?

DM: (very dramatically, like on the Fifth Estate) My, question, is, this: Many of your backers have pointed to your accomplishments, such as being born the daughter of a stinking rich industrialist, and uhm….err….I…

BS: This is true. I think I've done a great job at that.

DM: Sure. But that said, do you think that's enough? Why do you think you have what it takes to become the next leader of the opposition?

BS: I'm rich and I'm sexy! Do you think Tony Clement could pull off this Versace with matching pumps and handbag?

BM: Err no…probably not. Not with his bony little hips.

BS: Exactly. I'm just what Canada needs! I'm going to be the Stockwell Day of the 21st Century!

DM: Aim for the stars. But critics have suggested that you lack the political experience necessary to lead a major political party.

BS: Who?

DM: Critics. The chattering classes. You know. Wags, wonks, pundits, Rex Murphy…..

BS: You know, I'm getting a little tired of this unfounded and hurtful accusation. It is patently wrong. I have plenty of experience in public life. In Grade 7, I unsuccessfully ran for student council. But I learned from my experience, and the next year when I was in Grade 7, I won - quite handily, I might add. As my class representative, I lobbied hard to let students have the option of getting gravy served with their fries in the cafeteria, and I delivered. And I had to work with a lot of various parties to achieve this goal, over a period of months. It certainly wasn't accomplished overnight. So, I think people should check the facts before they say stuff like that.

DM: Right.

BS: Plus, our company has run the IF I WERE PRIME MINISTER contest for several years now, and I've managed to steal….no, borrow several good ideas from some of the entries that we've received over these years. I've been boning up for months now.

DM: Oh, do go on. Please.

BS: Not to mention the Ontario budget at our factory that the provincial Conservatives delivered last spring - nobody knows this, but that was my idea. And look at what it did for the Ontario Tories. They won 24 seats last election!!! That's a lot!

DM: Speaking of your company, as the CEO of Magna until just last week, could you describe what a typical day at the office was like for you? For example, how did you juggle all of the responsibilities of being a "working mother," as you mentioned in your campaign announcement speech?

BS: I'm happy you asked me this. I am up every morning, even if I was up late the night before, to talk to the chefs about what they're feeding my boys.

DM: Aren't your children girls?

"NOW YOU TRY": After one tumbler of rye too many, Dave regales Belinda with his rousing rendition of the Chicken Dance.

BS: Girls...girls...right. I always get those two words mixed up. Anyway, I always try to say hello to my children in the morning, if they haven't already left for school. As one myself, I understand the problems working women face. I know how hard it can be to find a decent nanny these days. I know first hand about the escalating costs of championship golf course maintenance, yacht docking fees and keeping polo horses. I sympathize with the plight of working women, struggling to get by. $12 million dollars a year doesn't go as far as you think, especially with our punitive tax system here in Canada.

DM: (stunned silence)

BS: With regards to Daddy's company, I mean, Magna, I was more of what you'd call an ideas person, I guess you could say. I'm not so concerned with the nuts and bolts of running the company - I was more concerned with vision. Like the vision I have when I look out my window in my office. Why, just last week, it was all streaked for some reason, so I had to get on the phone to get someone to clean it. But that's the kind of person I am - someone who gets things done. That's what I will bring to the leadership of the Alliance Party.

BM: Don't you mean the Conservative Party?

BS: No.

DM: Many have referred to you as somewhat of a 'puppet candidate' for the old boys network. Others have admired you for your flawless hair. And others have accused you of being a 'blank slate.' That being, nobody seems to know how you stand on several major issues affecting the country, such as tax relief for billionaires, Jack Layton's moustache, or our relations with Lithuania.

BS: Well, seeing that our party has no platform, I think I'm the perfect candidate. I just figure that I'll tailor my views to whatever the party decides to be its official policy, if we ever get around to it. That'll make things a whole lot easier.

DM: Makes sense to me. No baggage. Look out Paul Martin.

BS: What does baggage have to do with it?

DM: Never mind. Much was made of your supposed involvement in bringing the Alliance and the Tories together. A lot of people are wondering what exactly your role was in the uniting of the right.

BS: Well, if I may toot my own horn, I played a very large role. Very large. I was responsible for bringing the two camps together, brokering meetings, making several phone calls, ensuring everyone was on the same page, breaking up the numerous fistfights. Why, I should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for all of the work I did.

DM: So it was you who got Stephen Harper on board?

BS: Who?

DM: Stephen Harper. Former leader of the Alliance. One of the guys you're running against….

BS: Right. Is he the one who's always wearing that ugly grey jacket? The one with the dorky hair cut who's always going on about "economics" and spouting all of these boring numbers? If that's who you're talking about, then yes. Yes it was me. As I was just saying to MY CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND Bill Clinton, it was me.

DM: Something that has to be very troubling is the fact that both Mike Harris and Brian Mulroney have endorsed you. How will your campaign overcome this?

BS: I know, I know. Each and every one of my army of 228 campaign advisors is working on a tactful yet firm way to tell them to go away.

DM: Given that you're an enormously wealthy central Canadian who sees herself as a moderate on social issues, if you are chosen leader, how will you appease the socially conservative, western populist grassroots of the party and get them on your side?

BS: Have I already used the 'rich and sexy' answer?

DM: Yes, I believe that you have.

The very essence of porfessionamalism, Dave wrapped things up like a real journalist should.

BS: OK, I'll have to get back to you on that one.

DM: Ms. Stronach, Thank you for talking with us.

BS: Thank you. I'd just like to remind all Canadians that they can donate to my campaign on my web site. We're down to our last $165-million, and it might not get us through until March.

DM: Will do....I have to go....lay down now....