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Man Resigns From Family to Spend More Time in Politics

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"I OWE THIS TO MY CONSTITUENTS": Carl Jacobin makes his dramatic announcement in Fredericton yesterday. Said Jacobin: "My father, who also resigned from his family to play more golf, always said that it takes a man to admit he's made a mistake."

New Brunswick cabinet minister Carl Jacobin has announced that he will be leaving his family so that he can devote more time to his promising political career.

The province's Minister of Potatoes and Executive Secretary for Gas Stations made the announcement yesterday from his office in Fredericton, or as he described it, "his real home."

"Life is all about choices. This morning, I visited with my wife of eight years, as well as with my children, to inform them of this difficult decision," said an often-emotional Jacobin while reading from a prepared statement, as his Executive Assistant stood by his side. "While they do not necessarily agree with my resignation, they do respect it."

Jacobin said that the family resignation is effective immediately, and it will be complete and unequivocal. So much so, he has moved out of the family home and into his parliamentary office, making it his permanent residence.

"I want to assure my constituents and my colleagues from the Executive Council (New Brunswick's equivalent of cabinet) that there will be no visiting my former family on weekends, there will be no birthday parties or Christmas presents, no more mortgage payments or picking up groceries on the way home - this is a clean break. If you want to truly serve the public, as I was elected to do, you can't be wasting your time with that kind of frivolous family crap," he elaborated.

"Of course, this resignation also applies to my brother and sister, my parents, and the parents of the woman formally known as my wife," added Jacobin.

"As far as I am concerned my "family" is now the people of New Brunswick, and more specifically, the people from my riding of Lower McCain-Fredericton West, who have placed their trust in me for three consecutive elections.

The young politician said that he had been contemplating his resignation for some time now, but that his decision was crystallized for him while he played with his children at his Fredericton-area home last weekend.

Who knows, if Bernard leaves to run for the Conservative leadership, I might even be able to become Premier of this God-forsaken province someday soon if I play my cards right…..
New Brunswick's most dedicated politician, Carl Jacobin.

"We were making snowmen, playing road hockey, having a couple of laughs - the kind of things that families generally do, I suppose, when I had the opportunity to look into my daughter's innocent, hopeful eyes, and, as I listened to my son's giddy laughter as he made snow angels nearby, it was right then that I had an epiphany of sorts - I realized that I was completely wasting my time," admitted the up-and-coming star of New Brunswick provincial politics. "I knew that I should have been back at the office, preparing for tomorrow's Question Period, not playing with my kids or later that evening, making love to my wife.

"And Christ, I almost forgot about the new baby. God, those 18-hour days at the legislature will be a day at the beach compared with having to change her shitty diapers every 20 minutes."

Jacobin admitted that he felt as though he had been living a lie for years with all of his "family nonsense."

"I've been eating far too many dinners at home, and wasting far too many precious hours going to my son's hockey games and helping my daughter with her homework, when I should have been working on drafting new legislation, meeting with key industry stakeholders, or working on important constituency business," elaborated Jacobin.

Jacobin's boss, New Brunswick Premier Bernard Lord welcomed his Minister's decision.

"As we all know, politics is all about making sacrifices," said Premier Lord. "Carl stands as a shining example to his colleagues that the myth of 'work-life balance' is a big pile of crap.

"His courageous decision to leave his family demonstrates the commitment of our team to serving New Brunswickers….New Brunswickians….New Brunswickites?….what the hell do you call someone from New Brunswick? Does anyone know? Ah, it doesn't matter, I'll be out of this backwater and in Ottawa running the Conservatives by the spring. No I won't. Yes I will. No I won't. I'm staying. I'm leaving. I'm staying. I'm......" (this went on for 18 minutes).

So sayeth the Lord.

Jacobin's ex-family refused comment when reached at his former mother-in-law's residence.

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