UH, HOW MANY DIFFERENT MOVIES OF PEOPLE COPULATING DOES ONE PERSON REALLY NEED?: There are still a few new "titles" coming out, as this sampling of new adult video releases, post-title crisis, indicates.

The $858 katrillion adult film industry is facing the greatest crisis in its history: Porn producers have run out of legitimate movie names to use as spoof titles for their films. A productivity logjam is feared for the entire 'biz' due to this film titling imbroglio.

"Given the quotas that the porn production houses put on us, we don't have a lot of time to come up with….names for our flicks, so what we do is we take a legit movie and play around with the title a little," said porno director and producer Terry Oilslick, executive producer of adult video classics such as 1986's Top Bum, Forrest Hump (1995), and the 'Porny' award-winning classic Gandhi....Gets Naked, to name but three of the 116,000 titles he has directed or produced over the past 20 years in the business.

"For years now, we've depended on Hollywood for providing us with movie titles to parody, but I think we've finally hit the wall," continued Oilslick. "From King Dong to Spooning for Columbine, you could see this coming from a mile away, but because we ignored the problem, we got ourselves a real nasty situation on our hands now.

Sequels? Maybe some directors would resort to that, but not me. That would be a complete betrayal of my artistic vision. It's called integrity.
Terence Callow, director and executive producer of the new Pornographic film 76L8YCM12, explains why he will not be making sequels for his 1999 hits American Hair Pie and the Wedding Banger

"There's a real lack of leadership in the porn business," added Oilslick.

But surely there are new 'mainstream' films being released by Hollywood on a weekly basis whose titles can be manipulated into pornographic equivalents by the adult film industry, are there not?

"People say, 'well, there are new non-pornographic movies coming out all of the time, like Lost in Translation, Intolerable Cruelty and Runaway Jury, to name a couple of examples, that we can use to name our new cinematic productions,'" said porn director Cedric V. Wedgley from his Los Angeles office. "And we have - my company has already completed post-production on Lost in Penetration, Intolerable Boobery and Super-Mega Jury Orgy just this morning - but the well's totally dry now.

"And no, don't let us make up our own titles for our porn flicks, that's a bad idea," continued Wedgley, as he rejected another suggested solution, "we tried that before, a few years back, and it was obvious that we're not terribly creative when it comes to coming up with our own titles - you get names for movies like 'Airline Stewardesses Behind Bars' or something dumb like there's an obvious connection there. I mean, what did they do? Spill coffee on someone?"

According to the latest statistics from the National Porn Council obtained by our very eager reporter, for every mainstream movie that is released, 886 adult films come on to the market.

Said Oilslick: "Simple mathematics show that we can't keep up-it was only a matter of time before this naming crisis occurred. I mean, we gotta call all of these movies something. Otherwise, how do we differentiate ourselves from the competition?"

"This is a serious, serious problem - a 10 second delay in production impacts our business by 155 billion dollars in revenues," he added.

An estimated two million Californians work in the adult film business, in jobs ranging from "actors" to video-tape and DVD assembly line workers, costume designers, and wipers. All of these jobs are threatened by this titling crisis, according to the National Organization for New Adult Movie Epithets (NONAME), a blue-thonged panel composed of porn biz insiders that has been hastily assembled to rectify the situation.

This new lobby group has formally asked new California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger for disaster relief funding until the adult film business has time to formulate a strategy for solving the problem.

New California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger adresses a rally for the state's beleagured porn industry yesterday in the San Fernando Valley.

Speaking from the new California Governor's mansion in Waikiki Beach, Hawaii, the 'governator' seemed sympathetic to the industry's plight, and pledged $500-million in emergency funding from the state.

Said Governor Schwarzenegger in a beachside press conference: "As someone who has long appreciated the numerous, numerous offerings from our state's number one employer, I can say that this is a matter of critical importance to our state….without the economic contributions of the porn industry to the state coffers, California's already large deficit would quadruple overnight.

"People say that we don't have the money to do this. Well, these people are right. But I will find a way to do it. I don't know how, but I figure a couple of quotes from my movies might solve the problem," said the man who was the inspiration behind the 1993 pornographic classic the Sperminator.

"This is all just a role, right? When is someone going to tell me that this is all part of a movie?"

This issue is of particular relevance to Canadians, as adult videos and DVDs are the number one imported item into Canada from the U.S. Canadian aficionados of pornographic films seemed to be split as to how the the situation will impact their cinematic preference, at least according to our scientific survey of two people.

"You just don't know what you're getting," said Herm Dontrill of Stoney Creek, who was "browsing" at Larry's Porn Palace in Hamilton," I mean, it's hard to get excited about something called Pornographic Film 4KM58RL9-076? What the hell is that? Why do they have to rip off real movie titles anyway? Why can't they just use something simple and descriptive to name porn flicks, like 'Anal Maniac Extravaganza?', or 'Impossibly Large-Breasted Women?'"

Bobby Abbracake, a Hamilton resident who was "just looking around" at Larry's, was less concerned.

"Funny, I never even noticed these movies had titles," he said as he stared at a wall of new releases."Now if I could just remember which one I haven't got yet: Adult Sex Film 176587A, or is it Adult Sex Film 176587B...."