Ontario Cougars Welcome Double Cohort

A sighting: Who says there aren't any cougars in Ontario?

The Canadian Cougar, that subspecies of female known for its prowess in luring oversexed and underlaid young men 15 to 20 years their junior into the sack, are ecstatic about the "double cohort" of students entering the province of Ontario's colleges and universities this month.

When the provincial government officially phased out Grade 13 (OAC) this past spring, a veritable glut of students from both Grades 12 and 13 arrived at post-secondary institutions in Ontario this September. The result has been a tidal wave of first-year students on campuses, much to the delight of recently-divorced bottle blond soccer moms just reentering the bar scene.

"Everyone was all worried about there being enough room for all these kids in class at university….I don't know how they're working that out, but I tell you, there's plenty of room for these 18-year-old guys in my bed," said Toronto realtor Jeanine Egad, 41, a self-described 'cougar.'

"This is the most fun I've had since the Leafs' rookies were in town last month," added the mother of two, who last year was awarded a massive divorce settlement from her ex-husband, a prominent bricklayer with the CBC.

At McMaxsell's Meat Market bar on Ottawa's trendy Elgin Street, cougars are reporting some of the best action they've encountered in years. It's certainly hunting season," reported bar manager Karl Zuke. "Some nights we have to call in the Ministry of Natural Resources they get so out of control."

Toronto-based dating advice columnist Henrietta X said that the cougar phenomenon is understandable, as both parties benefit from the fling. "The woman in the cougar relationship feels young and sexy again, plus she likes the fact that her partner can…get it up without chemical assistance. Meanwhile, her partner, being a young man at his sexual peak, enjoys having a female human who is willing to copulate with him.

The Canadian cougar can be found anywhere in Canada, but they are particularly attracted to communities with large student populations and /or professional or junior hockey franchises. (Click on image to see poster)

"Plus, the male is not expected to call the next day. In fact, they are usually told not to."

Sociology professor Dr. Niall Noonan of the University College of Pembroke offered a more profound, roundabout explanation: "Since the dawn of time, the male has traditionally been older than the female in a heterosexual relationship. Therefore, these individuals in a 'cougar' relationship are defying socially constructed norms.

"Is it the last vestiges of patriarchy? Are these young men who fall victim to the cougar suffering from a latent Oedipal complex? Or do they just want to dip their wick?

"Really, at this time of year, it's about as hard for them (cougars) to find their prey as a first-year communications class," added the professor.

18-year-old Chad McJennings is a first-year engineering student at Toronto's York University. He fell victim to a savvy cougar while carousing with fellow freshmen at a nearby bar last weekend. "I've never really been…with a girl, like, my age before, like, let alone, like a…real woman," said a sheepish McJennings in his dorm room. "My roommate thought that it was like, my Mom who had come to visit when he saw her carrying in breakfast.

"Man, it was like, weird when she was putting Metamucil into her orange juice the next morning."